Friday Funnies March 31 06

According to a survey by IKEA, 1 out of 5 people have had sexual encounters in their kitchen -- usually on the countertop. That's pretty dangerous. If you're not careful, you could wind up with salmonella AND Chlamydia. - Jay Leno

I love how the government keeps telling us that the weather affects gasoline prices. For example, when the weather was rainy and cold, it takes more fuel to heat homes, so the price of oil goes up. And when the weather is warm and sunny, well, then people take more vacations -- they drive further and use more gas. And the only time weather makes the price go down is when it 'snows in hell.' That's about the only time. - Jay Leno

"A new study reports that cell phones may be ruining people's sex lives because people often stop in the middle of sex to answer a call. In fact, some people are having three-ways during three-ways." - Conan O'Brien

"According to a new study, men are less likely to have a problem with their prostate if they masturbate at least 20 times a month. Yea, which means you can write off "Girls Gone Wild" as a medical expense." - Conan O'Brien

Here's a sure-fire two step method to cure yourself of smoking in bed. First, buy a water mattress. Second, fill it with gasoline.

The RedNeck Sexual IQ Test:
1) A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False
2) Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False
3) Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. True or False
4) A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False
5) A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False
6) Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False
7) Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False
8) Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False
9) Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False
10) Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. True or False
11)An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. True or False
12) A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False
13) An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. True or False
14) A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. True or False
15)An erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False
16) A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. True or False
17) Pornography is the business of making records. True or False
18) Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. True or False

An attractive girl I know told me that while taking the bus the other day, a gentleman asked his young son to give up his seat "for the lady"! I said I was glad to hear common courtesy still exists. She said, ”Are you kidding? The boy was sitting on his father’s lap!

You know you're getting old when you can't tell the difference between a heart attack and an orgasm. You know you're getting old AND desperate, when you'll risk the first for a chance of the second. You know you're already too old when you don't care which one you get.

Before resolving to jog five miles a day, visit a cardiologist to have your heart examined, a podiatrist to have your feet examined and a psychiatrist to have your head examined.

It's a good idea that kids in Little League are exposed to umpires that are never wrong and always win arguments. It helps prepare them for marriage.

Johnny wanted to shag a girl in his office, but she had a boyfriend and always spurned his advances. One day he got so frustrated that he went up to her and said "I'll give you a 1000 dollars if you let me shag you", but the girl said NO. He said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. She called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for 2000 dollars, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. She said "The son of a bitch paid with all coins!"
Management lesson:ALWAYS CONSIDER A BUSINESS PROPOSAL IN ITS ENTIRETY!

A man was sunbathing in the nude, when a wasp stung him on the penis. He made an urgent visit to his doctor and explained the situation. "Can you please remove the sting," he pleaded. " but I was hoping you could leave the swelling."

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup. As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems. Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said, "Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!" The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..." "Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?" "Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips." "Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?" "Well, I really don't know ...." "I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person." "Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me." "Well let's go inside and settle this" "No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it." "You're on!" said the guy. The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotches on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please" The bartender sighed and said, "Is that fucking nun out there again!"

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives. The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke." The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps." The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband." She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler." "How so?" "He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."

The best dressed woman at a recent society ball was the lovely Agatha S. Skeffington, whose gown was cut so low in back it revealed her initials.

My wife and I have worked hard to develop structured conversations. First, she gives me her opinion, then she gives me my opinion.

I've waited so long for my ship to come in, my pier has collapsed.

A fellow working in a large office saw the girl next to him packing up to go home about mid-morning. She told him she was going home early because she didn't feel well. Since he was just getting over something himself, he wished her well and said he hoped it wasn't something he had given her. The guy on the other side of him piped up, "I sure hope not. She has morning sickness."

Beware of Companies With These Hiring Slogans:
Slogan: JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY
Translation: We have no time to train you.

Slogan: CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE
Translation: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

Slogan: MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED
Translation: You'll be six months behind on your first day.

Slogan: SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED
Translation: Some each night and some each weekend.

Slogan: DUTIES WILL VARY
Translation: Anyone in the office can boss you around.

Slogan: MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL
Translation: We have no quality control

Oldie Goldie that is just too funny not to rerun: Unfortunately, I identify a little too much with this scenario!
Dear Diary,For my fifty-seventh birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 30 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.Very inspiring , Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it!.Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or a vasectomy.

During his remarks after the service, the rabbi described an extended family belonging to the syngaogue, the Tates. Irri Tate is annoyed by everything and complains about any changes or new melodies. This is a problem because his sister Agi Tate often advocates for new tunes she has heard when attending Bar Mitzvahs out of town. Uncle Dick is always sure his way is correct and wants to order everyone around. Little Immi Tate is only three but tries to sing along and bows at the Aleinu. Irri's wife Facili serves on the Board and several committees. Although no one seemed to know the family as the rabbi began, we were all nodding our heads in recognition by the time he finished.

Jewish Zodiac:
- Nissan - The Matzah. If you were born in Nissan, you may be thought of as boring and hard, but one need only look as far as the chicken soup to see the wide variety of possibilities you have in life.
- Iyar - The Steak. If you were born in Iyar, you are an independent person (or nation), and you have all the strength and juices one needs to survive in this world.
- Sivan - The Cheesecake. If you were born in Sivan, you are sweet and caring. You are soft and vulnerable and a bit crumbly at times.
- Tammuz - The Icepop. If you were born in Tammuz, you were born to cool off. But if you don't stay cool, you may find yourself a very messy puddle on the floor.
- Av - The Fish. If you were born in Av, you were born to eat fish and think about steak. You feel the need to work harder to show that you are valued as yourself and not just because there is no other option.
- Elul - The Krembo. If you were born in Elul, the summer months are very hard on you. You have a tendency towards a round figure, and you favor flavorless cookies. You do, however, have an excellent creamy interior.
- Tishrei - The Apple dipped in Honey. If you were born in Tishrei, people may think you're a drip, but they know that you're the sweetest thing since sliced challah (with honey).
- Heshvan - The Cranberry. If you were born in Heshvan, you have a biting sense of humor, and a sharp wit. You do, however, need to be boiled with a lot of sugar to be palatable.
- Kislev - The Jelly Donut. If you were born in Kislev, you are full of light, and even your exterior looks delectable. You may have oily skin though.
- Tevet - The Latke. If you were born in Tevet, you know that good things cannot be put away immediately. You have the desire for better things. You are desired by all and considered quite the hottie.
- Shvat - The Almond. If you were born in Shvat, you should remember that others may find you addictive and even mesmerizing, but it's better if they take you in small doses.
- Adar - The Hamentashen. If you were born in Adar, you are very much influenced by your parents. If they are skilled, you will be crisp and sweet on the outside, filled with an even sweeter softness inside. If not, you may find yourself addicted to Heroin because of all the poppy seeds.