Friday Funnies December 29 06

"President Bush had a menorah lighting ceremony at the White House for Chanukah. ... I don't think President Bush understands the Jewish faith. After some kid lit the menorah, President Bush sang Happy Birthday and blew out the candles. ... Hey, what do you call President Bush wearing a yarmulke? A Chanukah Bush." --Jay Leno

"And the President of Iran suffered a very embarrassing setback after voters in Iran elected members of the opposing party in local elections. Huh? Apparently he and President Bush have more in common than they realize. " --Jay Leno

Late Night Takes on Iran:

"President Bush criticized the election process in Iran. He said there are groups there who try and suppress the vote, power there is in the hands of the very few, and the whole thing is dominated by religion. Hey, that is our system." -- Jay Leno

"Iran said they will inflict harm and pain on the United States if we try to stop their nuclear program. Who's writing their speeches now -- Mr. T?" -- Jay Leno

"Bush said, 'We spent some time talking about the Iranian issue and the desire to solve this issue diplomatically, by working together'... Of course, it's a lot easier to be diplomatic when we've only got two armies left to deploy: Salvation and KISS." -- Jon Stewart, on Iran's nuclear weapons capabilities

"France and Germany warned Iran this week not to pursue their nuclear research program. In fact, France and Germany warned Iran that if they didn't stop their program they would, you know, warn them again." – Jay Leno

"The president said today the U.S. does not intend to attack Iran but then he said quote 'but you never want a president to say never.' And he said if his position does change he will make that information public in a time-honored appropriate manner -- by leaking it to a gay prostitute." -- Bill Maher

"It's been reported that in the event of an emergency situation with North Korea the U.S. is prepared to send 70% of the Marine Corps to the region. According to President Bush this will still allow us to send another 70% to Iran and keep our other 70% in Iraq." -- Tina Fey

"The president submitted his annual budget -- $2.5 trillion. Don't kid yourself with this George W. Bush. This guy is sneaky, this guy is cunning, this guy is shrewd. He budgeted the upcoming invasion into Iran under office supplies." -- David Letterman

"The L.A. Times reports that al Qaeda terrorists have been traced to Iran, and President Bush is talking tough. In fact he said he will attack the minute he has evidence his approval rating is under 45 percent." — Jay Leno

"In the 9-11 commission report they say that it was Iran — not Iraq — that was helping Al Qaeda. So apparently we invaded the wrong country because of a typo!" — David Letterman

US bumper stickers: (admittedly from somewhat left of centre)
That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First
If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran
Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.
If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
1/20/09: End of an Error?
Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant
Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blowjobs Anymore
America: One Nation, Under Surveillance
They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
Whose God Do You Kill For?
Cheney/Satan '08
Jail to the Chief
No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?
Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap
Bad President! No Banana.
We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them
Is It Vietnam Yet?
Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either
Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?
You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.
Cheney First Dubya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out, Too
When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
Pray For Impeachment
The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th CenturyWhat Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?One Nation Under Clod
2004: Embarrassed 2005: Horrified 2006: Terrified
Bush Never Exhaled
At Least Nixon Resigned
Marriage is a gamble.You start with a pair.He shows a diamond.She shows a heart.Her father has a club.His father has a spade.There's usually a joker around somewhere,But after a while he becomes a king and she becomes a queen.Then they end up with a full house.

Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young!" He thought it over and agreed. He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said, ''I've been thinking. There is no reason we can't go for a month." So, Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a box of condoms. When he returned his wife said, ''You know, since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?" So back to the pharmacy he went, and brought 297 bottles of seasick pills and the same amount of condoms up to the counter. The pharmacist finally had to ask: "You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over 30 years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone. "I went to get a haircut," was the reply. "But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?" "Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."

Twas the month after Chanukah,
and all through the house
Nothing would fit me,
not even a blouse.
The cookies I`d nibble,
the latkas I`d taste
At Chanukah parties
had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales
there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store
(less a walk than a lumber).
I`d remember the marvelous meals I`d prepared
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine or the egg creams,
the bread and the cheese
and the way I`d never said,
``No thank you, please.``
As I dressed myself in my husband`s old shirt
and prepared once again to do battle with dirt--
-I said to myself, as only I can
``You can`t spend the winter disguised as a man!``
So... away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of all chocolate,
each cracker and chip
Every last bit of food
that I like must be banished
`Til all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won`t have a cookie--not even a lick.
I`ll want to chew only a long celery stick.
I won`t have hot biscuits,
or corn bread, or pie,
I`ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I`m hungry, I`m lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn`t that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!