Friday Funnies November 17 06

A new study says taking Viagra can cause some men to have breathing problems. In many cases, men actually turned blue and pass out -- or as men call it, 'A small price to pay.' - Jay Leno

"You know what GOP stands for? Going Out of Power." --Jay Leno

"It has not been a good week for the Republicans. Actually, this election was like a divorce -- they got rejected, insulted and lost the House." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, Bush had lunch with the new Democratic Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi. I believe the main course was Rumsfeld's head on a platter." --Jay Leno

"What a day for the Democrats. They've won the House of Representatives, they are poised to take the Senate as well, Donald Rumsfeld has resigned, and this just in, Dick Cheney came out as gay." --Jon Stewart

"Today, Secretary of Defence Rumsfeld announced he's stepping down. Rumsfeld said, 'I made the decision after it became clear that I couldn't do my job effectively--and then I waited three years.'" --Conan O'Brien

"I don't want to say that George Bush is a lame duck, but this morning, Cheney shot him." --Bill Maher

"President Bush, on Wednesday, held a news conference where he vowed to work with the new Democratic majority. Which, if true, can only mean one thing -- the Democrats have a nuclear bomb." --Amy Poehler

Well we’ve been kicking the Republicans pretty darned good while they were down, so it must be time to take a swipe at the Democrats since they’ve got their new mojo:

Democratic National Convention, Agenda 2008
7:00 P.M. Opening flag burning.
7:10 P.M. Barbra Streisand sings the National anthem in Spanish.
7:15 P.M. Pledge of allegiance to U.N.
7:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
7:30 till 8:00 P.M. Nonreligious prayer and worship; Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton.
8:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:05 P.M. Ceremonial tree hugging.
8:15- 8:30 P.M. Gay Wedding; Barney Frank Presiding.
8:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:35 P.M. Free Saddam Rally; Cindy Sheehan, Susan Sarandon.
9:00 P.M. Keynote speech: The proper etiquette for surrender; French President Jacques Chirac.
9:15 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
9:20 P.M. Collection to benefit Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund.
9:30 P.M. Unveiling of plan to free freedom fighters from Guantanamo Bay, by Sean Penn.
9:40 P.M. Why I hate the Military, A short talk by William Jefferson Clinton.
9:45 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
9:50 P.M. Dan Rather presented the Truth in Broadcasting award, presented by Michael Moore.
9:55 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
10:00 P.M. How George Bush and Donald Rumsfeld brought down the World Trade Center Towers, by Howard Dean.
10:30 P.M. Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Mahmud Ahmadinejad.
11:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast,
11:05 P.M. Al Gore reinvents the Internet again.
11:15 P.M. Our Troops are War Criminals, by John Kerry.
11:20 PM. Hanoi Jane Fonda reports on her visit with Iranian mullahs and broadcasts to American troops.
11:30 P.M. Coronation of Mrs. Rodham Clinton.
12:00 A.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
12:05 A.M. Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home...

Two hippies were going through a bitter divorce. They had finally settled who would get to keep the VW microbus, the futon, the lava lamp and the bong. The only remaining thing on which they could not reach an agreement was their large collection of potted plants. They had both invested so much of their time and energy into raising them that they each felt as though these plants were like their own children. With that in mind, what was the obvious solution? Joint Custody.

You know, there was a time when men dreaded getting old because they knew it would rob them of their sexual power. But thanks to modern medicine, couples are having sex well into their 70s and 80s, to the point where you can now buy edible panties fortified with calcium.

A guy out with buddies has few drinks and is feeling a little frisky but, true to his wife, he goes home. He finds his wife sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth. She starts to choke, but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my mouth?" He says, "Two aspirin." She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!" He says, - "That's all I wanted to hear."

Pick up lines:
1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.
2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt)....Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
3. Nice legs...what time do they open?
4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
8. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
9. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
10. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
11. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
12. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
13. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
14. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
15. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
19. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
20. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
21. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name HelgaTitsbottom?
22. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
23. My name is Austin ... remember that, you'll be screaming it later.

Why they print so few letters from men to Dear Abby:
Dear Abby,
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?Thanks, Bob

Oldie Goldie:
Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months. He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them. Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?" Startled, Sophia replies, "Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?" Gennaro answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?" Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?" Rosa answers,"Yes, Gennaro, I do, but how do you know that?" He replies,"I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?" Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Gennaro asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red. He states, "Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!" Carmela smiles coyly and answers,"Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight." Gennaro gasps, "Thanka God ... I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!"

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver: "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not crap in the vegetable garden again either!"

If you live within your income you'll live without worry -- and a lot of other things.

Tired of dropping everything? Just wear really tight pants and you’ll soon be cured.

Let's see, which would be easier: Losing 40 pounds by strict dieting and exercise... or gaining 60 pounds to qualify for a gastric bypass?

A Catholic priest and a Methodist pastor from two local churches are standing by the side of the road, feverishly pounding a handmade sign into the ground with a large rock. The sign reads: The End is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now Before It's Too Late! As a car speeds past them, the driver yells, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" From the curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash. The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?"

Each morning Jake would drive down Sunset Blvd. on his way to work. For the past year a pretty hooker standing on the corner of Sunset gave him the eye as he passed. Of late, she took to showing him parts of what he would get if he stopped to pick her up. Jake was a good husband and family man and didn't want to cheat on his wife. However, lately the hooker was looking so tempting, he could not get her out of his mind. After spending many sleepless nights, he went to consult a psychiatrist. He told the psychiatrist she was driving him crazy, he was married 45 years, and did not want to cheat on his wife. "What should I do?" asked Jake. The psychiatrist said: "Take Melrose Avenue."