Friday Funnies October 6 06

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan O'Brien

"I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson

Have you ever noticed the little kids in the cereal isle at the supermarket. They'll buy cereal the same way that grown men buy lingerie. Just like their fathers, they buy stuff they care nothing about just to get at the prize that's inside.

The National Enquirer is reporting that Star Jones' husband has dumped her and has moved in with a close male friend. If that turns out to be true, this would be the second time this year that Star's been replaced by somebody gay. - Jay Leno

George Michael has been arrested again, found once more slumped over in his car, high, by the side of the road. How many times has George Michael been found passed out behind the wheel?Ten? What do you have to do to have your license taken away in England? Ram the Queen? - Jay Leno

Starbucks is raising prices again. It's so expensive now when you go into Starbucks, they chop up the coffee grounds and you can snort them right off the counter. - Jay Leno

Mark Foley’s attorney is now blaming Foley’s behavior on alcohol. But apparently he wasn’t too drunk to send an email... People are now wondering what to do with Foley’s seat in congress. How about they start with Lysol? Then some Bactene. After that cover it with plastic. – Jay Leno

The latest on the Washington sex scandal involving Congressman Mark Foley – according to CNN Foley’s instant messages were not only inappropriate, but also were full of typos. In Foley’s defense, he said it was hard to type with one hand. –Conan O’Brien

Florida Congressman Mark Foley has resigned after allegations of inappropriate relations with a minor. At least Democrats wait until interns turn 18......The Republicans acted quickly on the situation. He’s being transferred to a different parish…….. Mark Foley is now in rehab. He says that once he gets out he wants to turn over a new "page”. – David Letterman

National Public Radio is in Little Rock, Arkansas to gather oral histories from local residents. Of course, the most famous oral history involving someone from Arkansas will be the one from Monica Lewinski. - Jim Barach

'I went to the ballet and they danced on their toes. Why didn't they just get taller girls?' - Henny Youngman

"I took ballet my whole life. I wasn't very good. In 'Swan Lake,' I was the lifeguard." - Rita Rudner

A woman was filling out an accident report. She had dented a parked car while trying to park her own. One question on the report was, "What could the operator of the other vehicle have done to avoid the accident?" She wrote, "He could have parked it somewhere else."

Despite sprinting through the Andrews Air Force Base south terminal, President Bush narrowly missed his Air Force One flight to Boise earlier today after arriving just moments after the plane's doors had closed.The 12-person crew was not able to accommodate the president due to strict federal guidelines requiring all passengers to arrive at their departure gate 15 minutes prior to takeoff—guidelines flight officials say are especially important considering heightened security around the president.

I called a wrong number recently, and realized my mistake when no one answered after several rings. That afternoon I received a call from a woman (a blonde, apparently) who asked if I’d called her. I told her I didn’t remember calling her but that I had dialed a wrong number earlier and that it might have been hers." Indignantly she replied, "How could you dial my number by mistake? It's unlisted!"

Biology 101:Are You Male or Female? To find the answer, look down......




Not here, Stupid!