Friday Funnies October 27 06

By 2020, scientists will be able to implant an orgasm chip in the brain. The operation will take about two minutes for a man and much, much longer for a woman. - Conan O'Brien

"The Iranian government just announced that they are going to slow down Internet access speed because they don't want Iranians to have good Internet service. Apparently, the government is so serious about this they are making all Iranians subscribe to AOL." - Conan O'Brien

"Insiders are now saying that Hillary Clinton has spent millions and millions on plastic surgery. They say she's so good-looking that actually, earlier today, her husband hit on her." - David Letterman

"An hour-long cartoon about the life of the pope has been produced by the Vatican. When asked why the Catholic Church would make a cartoon, the Vatican said it's the best way to reach its target audience -- adolescent boys." - Jay Leno

Federal health officials are backing off earlier claims, and now say there is no evidence that oral contraceptives cut the risk of heart disease. But most women insist that taking the pill can still save you from the heart attack you'll get from finding out you're accidentally pregnant. - Jake Novak

A Washington man accused of having sex with the family dog has been charged under the state's new animal cruelty law, which makes bestiality a felony. Of course, you have to think that sending a guy who's having sex with a dog to prison is kind of a step up. - Jake Novak

"On Tuesday, the U.S. population hit 300 million. 'Oh, that's so cute,' said China." - Amy Poehler

An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out. The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs. When she came out, the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!" She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you." Where upon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his tallywhacker. The old woman says, you're going out like that?" And he replies, "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tater.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above average drivers.

According to a new poll, women are much better liars than men. At least that's what THEY say... but they could be lying.

Sex is a three-letter word which sometimes needs old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

The blonde says to her friend, "My boyfriend has the worst dandruff." Her friend says, "You should give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde thinks for a minute and asks, "How do you give shoulders?"

When my ex-wife dies they’ll have to put the notice of her demise in the Obitchuary Column!

I was driving home from work when, out of nowhere, a bird slammed into my windshield. The poor creature got its wing stuck under the windshield wiper, so I tried to get it loose by turning on the switch. On the first upswing of the wiper, the bird flew off, slamming into the windshield of the police car behind me. Immediately, the cop pulled me over. He walked up and told me he saw what happened. "I'm going to have to write you up," he said, "for flipping me the bird."

Why does Dolly Parton have such little feet? Some things don't grow well in the shade.

George Carlin's New Rules for 2006
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water
New Rule: Stop fucking with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the ass hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge ass hole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

The Math teacher saw that Little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, “Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?” Little Johnny quickly replied, “HBO, CBS, ABC and the Cartoon Network!”

Q: Why don't chickens like to play baseball?A: When they're out there frying in the hot summer sun, the last thing they want to hear is 'batter up'!
Q: What Do You Get When You Cross A Chicken With A Guitar?A: A Chicken That Makes Music When You Pluck It!
Q: What Do You Get When You Cross A Chicken And A Pit Bull?A: Just The Pit Bull, slightly heavier.
Q: What Do You Get When You Cross A Chicken With A Bell?A: An Alarm Cluck.
Q: What Do You Get When You Cross A Chicken With A Dog?A: A Hen That Lays Pooched Eggs.
Q: What Do You Get When You Cross A Chicken With A Race-Horse?A: A Hen That Lays Odds.

If you eat antipasta and pasta at the same meal, are you still hungry?

Son asks father the difference between confidence and confidential. Dad says, you are my son, I'm confident. Your friend is also my son, that's confidential!

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply. The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday", replies the second man. The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine", says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer mum thru?" The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute..." Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot!Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family." "OK, dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for me daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus membership to the countryclub... (takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the French Riviera, and.........." "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff...a prostitute dad! Sniff sniff." "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant!. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

Three nuns went to a cucumber stand in an open market. They asked how much the cucumbers were. The merchant said that they were four for a dollar. The nuns said agreed to purchase four. The puzzled merchant asked why they needed four cucumbers when there were only three of them. A nun answered back, Well, we could always eat one."

The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement: "We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow".

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?"The Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,.... "Rest in Peace." The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... 'Congratulations on your new location!'"

A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position. "Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?" he asked. "Well, I think I do." she replied. "I've been divorced three times."