Friday Funnies September 1 06

"Anyone been traveling? It's a nightmare. We still have those travel advisories. If you're traveling, you can't carry deoderant, shaving cream, hair gel, perfume,. Have you been to LAX? Everybody looks like Nick Nolte now." --Jay Leno

"There's a hurricane watch for tropical storm Ernesto. Let me tell you something. These hurricanes are getting smart. They know a Hispanic hurricane has a better chance of getting into the country." --Jay Leno

"Earth is in trouble. A new study found that in Greenland, polar bears' genitals are shrinking due to industrial pollutants. This is what's happening and the Bush administration, of course, is denying the science. They're saying the reason the polar bear's package is smaller this year -- they just got out of the water." --Bill Maher

"The new season of 'Survivor' is going to be dividing up the tribes by race. They said they got the idea from Karl Rove." --Bill Maher

"For years people have criticized the Bush administration for intelligence failures -- specifically, the president's failure to be intelligent. So, you can imagine my dismay when I read in U.S. World News & Report that a top insider said the president 'can't get enough of fart jokes. He's also known to cut a few for laughs.' The press is having a field day, but may I remind everyone that the previous president used an intern as a humidor, not as a joke." --Stephen Colbert

What a week! Pluto is no longer a planet and Tom Cruise is no longer a star.

I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

Virgin Wool comes from the sheep the herders couldn't catch.

The Ice Cream Code:
Want to find out how your girl will be in bed? Take her for some ice cream. Here's the menu for how her eating habits can clue you in to how she'll be between the sheets.
The Spiraler - If she licks the cone around in even circles, she's methodical and orderly. She also probably prefers "vanilla sex," as opposed to a wild romp on the kitchen table. Although she's not the most spontaneous of lovers, she is very goal-oriented, which means she won't stop until you've had enough.
The Nibbler - This is the girl that tackles a scoop of Rocky Road teeth first. As bad as this may seem translated to the bedroom, it simply means that she likes to be in control. She's aggressive, forward, and probably a pro when it comes to interesting positions.
The Slurper - She takes a Hoover approach to dessert, sucking the top half of the ice cream through pursed lips. It means she likes instant gratification and lacks self control, which isn't bad news for you. She isn't afraid to get a little messy to satisfy her cravings and is generally prone to excessiveness.
The Savourer - If she's too busy enjoying every little taste to notice the cone dripping down her hand, she's a Savourer. This translates to sensual and giving. She views life as an experience to be enjoyed and shared. Time is of no importance to her. Lucky you.

There was a young man from Nepal
Who had a hexagonal ball.
The cube of its weight
Times his penis, plus eight
Is his phone number, give him a call.

This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town and they cap off the festivities by going to a house of ill repute. A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a large green lump on his penis. The doctor does a thorough exam, then pulls down a weighty medical book and flicks through it till he finds what he's looking for. He looks up and says, "I'm afraid this is serious. We'll have to operate!" "Operate?", exclaims the fellow, "Why, Doc? What's the problem?" "Well, you know how boxers can get a cauliflower ear? You've got a brothel sprout!"

Apparently a true story:
A Highway Patrol pulls over a Workcover Inspector for doing 68 in a 60 zone. The Inspector says nothing, accepting the $50 ticket. The policeman finishes writing the ticket and proceeds back to his car. The Workcover Inspector in the mean time, takes a digital camera out of his bag, photographs the cop and proceeds to the police car where he issues the policeman an $800.00 fine for not wearing his hi-visibility vest when leaving his vehicle in a high traffic area.

Not exactly politically correct but..............Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names. She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal and Jamal. She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in language that street people can understand. I can hear it now: A weatherman in Houston says... "Wazzup, Mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Bitch be a category fo'! So grab yo' chirren,yo' Ho, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest guv'ment office fo yo FREE shit!"

Goldie’s Oldie Goldie:
Goldie is playing bridge with her girlfriends when the door bell rings and she gets up to answer the door. When she comes back she shows her friends the dozen roses she just got delivered from her husband Sam..."Oy vay" her friends remark, "for my husband to send me roses, it would be on my grave." Her other friend comments, "My husband forgets to send me roses - he doesn't even know I exist" "Well"...Goldie replies..."It's not all it's cracked up to be...you don't know what I have to do for these roses...I have to schlep upstairs, change into a negligee, change the bed sheets to satin, put on makeup and shower, get in bed...and spread my legs...all for these roses" Goldie's friend asks, "What's the matter...don't you have a vase"?

A farmer’s daughter had a pet pot-belly pig which she called "Stinky" when she played with it out in the yard, but she called it "Ballpoint" when it was in the sty. "Tell me," asked her father, "Why do you have two names for your pig?" She replied, "That's easy, Ballpoint is just his pen name."

The Blonde’s Culinary Diary:
MONDAY: It's fun to cook for my boyfriend. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbours were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY: My boyfriend wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when my boyfriend brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY: Today my boyfriend asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. My boyfriend asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY: My boyfriend did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason my boyfriend keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY: My boyfriend's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY: This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on my boyfriend. If I can talk my boyfriend into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.