Friday Funnies September 8 06

"According to a national organization that studies obesity, nine of the fattest states in America are in the lower third of the country. In other words, geographically, America has a fat ass." --Conan O'Brien

"Of course, President Bush came to the hurricane this week. He went back to New Orleans to try and put lipstick on that pig. Not easy because a third of the trash there still has not been picked up. And that's just the white trash. Some of this garbage is piled up so high you can barely see the 'Mission Accomplished' banner." --Bill Maher

"He (Dubya) kind of blew it. He described his reading list to Brian Williams during the interview as 'epileptic.' I think he was trying for 'eclectic.' What happened? He was doing so well on the Ritalin." --Bill Maher

"At the 2006 MTV Video Music Awards, former Vice President Al Gore lectured the audience about global warming. The Rock 'n' Roll audience cheered, gave him a standing ovation, and then they got in their stretch limos, went to the airport, got in their private jets, and flew home to Malibu." --Jay Leno

Did you hear they had to pull Steve Irwin's line of sun care products off the shelves? Apparently they don't protect you from harmful rays.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say "Hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?It doesn't make sense.

You're flying at 500 m.p.h., 30,000 feet in the air, and the pilot tells you to feel free to roam around the plane. But when you're on the ground taxiing to the gate at 1 m.p.h., he tells you to remain seated for your own safety.

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

Reincarnation: Life sucks, then you die, then life sucks again.

After six years of trying to start a family, a couple was finally blessed with the birth of its first child. The blonde wife went to put an announcement in the local paper. When she returned from the newspaper office, her husband asked her what details she had included. "Just the name, address and date," she said. "How much did it cost?" "About six hundred and eighty dollars," she replied. "Why so much?" the stunned husband asked. "Well, after I wrote out the announcement, the clerk asked me how many insertions, and I said four times a week for six years."

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, in California? California became a state. The State had no electricity. The State had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gun fights in the streets. So basically, it was just like California today, except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.

A Lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter. "Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Lawyers in heaven." "What?" exclaims the man, astonished. "You heard, no Lawyers." "But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Lawyer. "Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then?" "Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 dollars to the starving children in Africa". "Oh" says St. Peter. "Anything else?" "Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 dollars to the homeless." "Hmmm. Anything else?" "Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 dollars to the Albanian orphans." "Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss." Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty dollars back, now bugger off".

A lady was escorted to a wedding by her 24-year-old bachelor son. He appeared unaffected by the ceremony until the bride and groom lighted a single candle with their candles and then blew out their own. With that he brightened and whispered, "I've never seen that done before." She whispered back, "You know what it means, don't you?" His response: "No more old flames?"

Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs? More leg room.

Hollywood has changed. Today you see women doing on the screen what they used to do off the screen to get on screen.

Bert and Mabel were a week away from their wedding day. Bert was beginning to get major stirrings so he asked, "Er, Mabel, as it is only a week to the big day, how's about a quick screw?" Mabel's answer as expected was, "No Bert, it's only 6 days to go, however you can have a look at your prize." The next night Bert again pesters Mabel. Being an understanding sort, Mabel gives in and says, "It is still 5 days to go and as you've been a good fellow, I'll let you have a little feel of your prize." It only makes matters worse for Bert and by the next night he can hardly contain himself. Seeing his obvious predicament Mabel greets Bert and whispers in his ear, "I can see what your problem is but you've still got 4 days to go. I will however let you have a good sniff of your prize." Not being bashful, Bert lifts Mabel's skirts and sniffs. After a minute he comes up for air, "Mabel, do you think it will keep 'till Saturday?!?"

A sweet young thing from Cape Cod
Believed that babies all came from God
But it wasn’t The Almighty
Who lifted her nightie.
It was Roger the Lodger, the sod.

My Golf Game: valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my years of experience –
Table of Contents:
Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist From the Tee
Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker
Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance Off the Shank
Chapter 5 - When and How to Give the Ranger the Finger
Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings
Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management
Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.
Chapter 9 - How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round
Chapter 10 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water
Chapter 11 - Why Your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th...
Chapter 12 - How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome
Chapter 13 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five Off the Tee
Chapter 14 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent
Chapter 15 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt
Chapter 16 - When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever
Chapter 17 - Why Would You Purchase a Better Golf Game?
Chapter 18 - Why Male Golfers Will Pay $5.00 a Beer From The Cart Girl and Give Her a $3 Tip, But Will Balk at $3.50 at the 19th Hole and Stiff the Bartender.......

TOP 12 COUNTRY SONGS For 2006
12. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.
11. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long.
10. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
9. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well.
8. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
7. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
6. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here.
4. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now.
3. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.
2. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
And The Number #1 Country Song Is:
1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few!

BECAUSE I AM A MAN
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia, or heat stroke, has set in. The AAA is not an option. I will win.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of Holy Communion.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss an entire show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator)...applies to engineers mainly.
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars, football, or, most important, rugby. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother too.
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't. and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...like looking for my socks, or like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
This has been a public service message for Women to better understand Men.

Kid’s Wisdom
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."
D.I. (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad, "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon... "Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"