Friday Funnies January 5 07

Attainable New Year's Resolutions:
This year, I resolve to...
- Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
- Stop exercising. Waste of time.
- Read less. Makes you think.
- Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
- Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
- Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
- Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
- Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
- Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
- Not have eight children at once.
- Get in a whole NEW rut!
- Start being superstitious.
- Personal goal: bring back disco.
- Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
- Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.
- Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
- Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
- Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
- Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
- Not eat cloned meat.
- Create loose ends.
- Get more toys.
- Get further in debt.
- Not believe politicians.
- Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
- Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
- Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
- Stay off the International Space Station.
- Not swim with piranhas or sharks.
- Associate with even worse business clients.
- Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.
- Wait around for opportunity.
- Focus on the faults of others.
- Mope about my faults.
- Never make New Year's resolutions again.

Apparently the latest rage for the January White Sales is the Saddam Dress Shirt. It’s a great value! You may find it a bit tight around the neck, but it hangs remarkably well considering all the time it’s been in the basement!

"Saddam Hussein was executed last week by hanging. Or, as they call that in Iraq, death by natural causes." --Jay Leno

"Today was the funeral for President Gerald Ford. He passed away at 93. A very nice man. ... Ford was the only person to become president without winning an election ... besides President Bush." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today in Washington, funeral services were held for former President Gerald Ford and all the living presidents were there. That doesn't happen often. They all got together. President Carter called Ford a wonderful man. Bill Clinton called Ford a true American. And President Bush called Ford the guy who invented the automobile." --Conan O'Brien

"This week California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was released from the hospital after breaking his leg. Doctors say Arnold's leg will be broken for two months and his English will be broken forever." --Conan O'Brien

This text is from a county emergency manager out in the western part of North Dakota after a huge snowstorm.
WEATHER BULLETIN:Up here, in the Northern Plains, we just recovered from a Historic event--- may I even say a "Weather Event" of "Biblical Proportions” with a historic blizzard of up to 44" inches of snow and winds to 90 MPH that broke trees in half, knocked down utility poles, stranded hundreds of motorists in lethal snow banks, closed ALL roads, isolated scores of communities and cut power to 10's of thousands.
FYI:
George Bush did not come.
FEMA did nothing.
No one howled for the government.
No one blamed the government.
No one even uttered an expletive on TV.
Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton did not visit.
Our Mayor did not blame Bush or anyone else.
Our Governor did not blame Bush or anyone else, either.
CNN, ABC, CBS, FOX or NBC did not visit - or report on this category 5 snowstorm.
Nobody demanded $2,000 debit cards.
No one asked for a FEMA Trailer House.
No one looted. Literally, ZERO reports of a single stolen item.
Nobody - I mean Nobody demanded the government do something.
Nobody expected the government to do anything, either.
No Larry King,
No Bill O'Reilly,
No Oprah,
No Chris Mathews and
No Geraldo Rivera.
No Shaun Penn,
No Barbara Streisand,
No Hollywood types to be found.
Nope, we just melted the snow for water.
Sent out caravans of SUV's to pluck people out of snow engulfed cars.
The truck drivers pulled people out of snow banks and didn't ask for a penny.
Local restaurants made food and the police and fire departments delivered it to the snowbound families.
Families took in the stranded people - total strangers.
We fired up wood stoves, broke out coal oil lanterns or Coleman lanterns.
We put on extra layers of clothes because up here it is "Work or Die".
We did not wait for some affirmative action government to get us out of a mess created by being immobilized by a welfare program that trades votes for 'sittin at home' checks.
Even though a Category "5" blizzard of this scale has never fallen this early, we know it can happen and how to deal with it ourselves."In my many travels, I have noticed that once one gets north of about 48 degrees North Latitude, 90% of the world's social problems evaporate."It does seem that way, at least to me.I hope this gets passed on.Maybe SOME people will get the message. The world does NOT owe you a living.

Oldie Goldie
A young lady in the maternity ward, just prior to labor, is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband," she replies. "O.K. do you have a boyfriend?", asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm unattached, I'll be having the baby on my own." After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black." "Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black." "Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair." "Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?" "Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes." "Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice." At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the rear. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank God for that!" "What do you mean?!" says the midwife, shocked."Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."

In the news this week, it was mentioned that Tiger Woods' wife was pregnant. I guess that means that Tiger sunk the putz.

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic.
Apparently since Paul has separated from Heather, she is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"! She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped!" According to a close friend, "She's running around in circles and will need all the support she can get. It's not like it’s easy to walk out on a relationship like this!"
Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over".
Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas but she considered it just a stocking-stuffer.
It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage. Paul is one of the richest men in the world, and if an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to stand on.
After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked by his family if he would ever consider going down on one knee again. Paul said, “I’d prefer if we just called her Heather!”
Lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now she has left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who can fill her shoe.

A poem by Sir Paul McCartney:
I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt
And her leg fell in the river.

Apparently a woman has laid charges against Heather for striking her with her prosthetic limb. While Heather was on her cell phone in a store, the woman tried to ask her questions so Heather kicked her rear end out the door with her prosthetic limb. Way to go Heather! Just like the old expression, “Busier than a one legged woman at a butt kicking contest.”

A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate "Now I'm fucked! Who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate says "Try Paul McCartney"

Oldie Goldie
An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her. "I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous." "I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home." "Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals, so you should have your husband check that too." "Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home." True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on it immediately."Also," said the Amish woman, "The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake.

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head. "Well", she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today." So she did and had a wonderful day.The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror, and saw she had only two hairs on her head. "Hmmm", she said, "I think I'll part my hair in the middle today." So she did and had a grand day.The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror, and saw she had only one hair on her head. "Well", she said, "Today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail." So she did and had a fun, fun day.The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror, and saw that there wasn't a single hair on her head. "YEAH", she yelled "I don't have to fix my hair today !"

ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING: As the saying goes: The kind of life you will have isn't determined by what happens to you, it's determined by your reaction to what happens to you. Have a great day! Be kinder than necessary for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.