Friday Funnies August 11 06

Pamela Anderson is being criticized because the other day she was spotted sunbathing topless in front of her 10-year-old son. Pam explained, "I just wanted to keep him in the shade." - Conan O'Brien

"Cuban dictator Fidel Castro is still in the hospital with a serious medical condition. Castro said that a half century of Communist rule seemed like a good idea right up until the point he was rushed to the hospital in a '55 Oldsmobile." --Conan O'Brien

"This is weird, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il has not been seen in public in more than a month. He's disappeared. No one's seen him. This has fuelled suspicion Kim Jong-Il and Fidel Castro snuck off on a gay dictator cruise." --Conan O'Brien

"As you know the elderly Fidel Castro recovering from surgery in Cuba. It was pretty serious. I understand he was rushed to the hospital on Donkey One. A message delivered on Cuban Television today said that Fidel Castro's condition is listed as stable, which in Communist countries means he'll be dead by Friday." --Jay Leno

"In a speech in Florida President Bush praised all the contributions Cubans have made to America: catching, hitting, outfielding, shortstop. These were all major, major contributions." --Jay Leno

"And the Senate voted against raising the minimum wage yesterday, and Wal-mart employees are furious. They said we never would have come to this country illegally if we knew we were going to be treated this way." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday Mel Gibson was formally charged with having an open container . . .. and a closed mind. ... He could face up to six months in prison. Life, if he gets a Jewish judge." --Jay Leno

"There are people already trying to capitalize on the Mel Gibson Jewish controversy. In fact a DVD of the arrest just came out. It's called 'Goys Gone Wild.'"–Jay Leno

Taken from CNN.com
Gibson Converts to Judaism - Changes Name to Melvin Gibstein
In his boldest bid yet to apologize to the Jewish community, actor Mel Gibson today announced that he had converted to Judaism.The news took many Jews aback, since conversion to Judaism is a demanding process that can take months or even years of study, and Mr. Gibson accomplished the feat in a record time of forty-five minutes, including a quickly performed circumcision. Rabbi Slicer, who performed the ritual stated, "Oye, it vas fast. His schmekalah was so small I used my nail clippers."But a spokesman for the "Lethal Weapon" star explained how Mr. Gibson pulled off his lightning-fast conversion: "This is Hollywood-- a lot of things can be done by special effects."Moments after his conversion to Judaism, Mr. Gibson paid a visit to the registrar's office in Los Angeles County and had his name legally changed to "Melvin Gibstein" in a show of commitment to his new chosen faith.Then it was off to Malibu, where the 50-year old actor was bar mitzvahed on the beach in a small, private ceremony."Today, I am a man," Mr. Gibstein said before a gathering of friends and well-wishers from the local watering hole Moonshadows. "A Jew man!"Mr. Gibstein, whose Lexus LS sedan now sports a license plate reading "LCHAIM," said that he was "thoroughly enjoying being a Jew" and vowed to only shop wholesale from now on.The actor added he would begin production of a new film, "Mad Matzoh Beyond Thundershalom," as soon as he kicks his drinking problem."I am really committed to reheeb," he said. "I mean rehab."Mel Gibson backtracking?“I apologize for anything I said that may have been misconstrued. I want to explain that I have this crazy accent and sometimes people don't exactly hear what I'm saying. If only your ears were as big as your nose, we'd never have this problem. Anyways, the point is - what I actually said was, "I hate juice."

Seven out of 10 people say they are feeling the pinch of high gas prices. The other three have bought siphoning equipment. - Jim Barach

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him. "Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?" Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend." He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp. "But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!" The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore!... He is!"

In Romania, a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring removed from his penis after his mistress got so mad at him and stuck it on him while he was asleep. I don't know what's more embarrassing -- Getting caught cheating or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

On the chest of a barmaid named Gail
Was tattooed the prices of ale.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was precisely the same, but in Braille.

There was a young lady named Alice,
Who pissed in the Pope’s silver Chalice
Now it is my belief
It was out of relief
And not out of Protestant malice.

In the Garden of Eden sat Adam
Massaging the bust of his madam.
He chuckled with mirth,
For he knew that on earth,
There were only two boobs and he had 'em.

Fishing is a lot like dating! Some you keep while others you throw back. Some you eat, but the big ones you mount!

Etymology from the Ace of Spades of Pocatello, Idaho:
Since I was a kid, I always enjoyed the humorous and sometimes poetic group-names given to different animals. It was interesting that one said a school of fish but a pack of wolves; it was fun that one said a parliament of owls and an exultation of larks. A shrewdness of apes, a crash of rhinoceroses, an ostentation of peacocks-- just great stuff.And of course it was just flat-out cool that one said a murder of crows. But this practice was also extended to naming groups of people. One could say a skulk of thieves (cool!), a rascal of boys (cute!), and, if one could keep a straight face, a neverthriving of jugglers (goofy!). I don’t know if I’d ever actually say a superfluidity of nuns, but it’s nice to know that I could, if I wanted to.After hours of research, here are even more collective-nouns for groups of people, these more relevant to the world we live in today. We plan to use these in everyday conversation; we hope you’ll find some use for them too.
Top Ten Lesser-Known Collective Nouns for Different Groups of People:
10. A gesticulation of Italians
9. A corruption of Congressmen
8. A moustache of policemen
7. A tumescence of pornstars
6. A shriek of liberals
5. A waddle of Rosie O’Donnells
4. An armpit of feminists
3. An insignificance of Canadians
2. A malodor of Frenchmen (also acceptable: a quavering of Frenchmen; a surrender of Frenchmen)
....and the Number One Lesser-Known Collective Noun for a Group of People...
1. A crimewave of Kennedys
Honorable Mentions:
A doddering of seniors
A twaddle of Democrats
A condescension of reporters
A kegger of collegians
A trust-fund of “peace” marchers“

Immigration Laws”
1. If you migrate to this country, you must speak the native language.
2. You have to be a professional or an investor. No unskilled workers allowed.
3. There will be no special bilingual programs in the schools, no special ballots for elections, all government business will be conducted in our language.
4. Foreigners will NOT have the right to vote no matter how long they are here.
5. Foreigners will NEVER be able to hold political office.
6. Foreigners will not be a burden to the taxpayers. No welfare, no food stamps, no health care, or other government assistance programs.
7. Foreigners can invest in this country, but it must be an amount equal to 40,000 times the daily minimum wage.
8. If foreigners do come and want to buy land that will be okay, BUT options will be restricted. You are not allowed waterfront property. That is reserved for citizens naturally born into this country.
9. Foreigners may not protest; no demonstrations, no waving a foreign flag, no political organizing, no bad-mouthing our president or his policies; if you do you will be sent home.
10. If you do come to this country illegally, you will be hunted down and sent straight to jail.Harsh, you think? The above laws happen to be the immigration laws of MEXICO!

Real oldies:
Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man
going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb fuck!"

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses, and all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs, for breakfast again.

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

IT WAS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOT YESTERDAY....
- All the corn started popping and flying through the air.
- The cows thought it was snowing, and they froze to death.
- The potatoes cook underground and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
- Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.
- The cows are giving evaporated milk.
- The trees are whistlin' for the dogs.
- Even the sun is looking for shade.
- The birds had to pick up the worms with potholders.
- I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were walkin'.
- I saw a fire hydrant begging for a dog to pee on it
- The soup company has changed the directions on its cans to, "just pour and eat".

In my English-as-a-second-language class, I explained the difference between a watch and a clock. I told the students that when it was a large timepiece on a wall and not attached to your body, it was called a clock. When it was worn on your body, it was called a watch. A few days later we had a power outage, and our classroom clocks had not been reset. I asked Luis, who was wearing a wristwatch, for the time. Luis looked at his wrist, and then confidently announced, "It is exactly ten o'watch."