Friday Funnies April 21 06

Do you know that the average American works until lunchtime every day just to pay his federal, state and local taxes? So if you are going to fool around at work, do it in the morning on the government's time. - Jay Leno

“I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up.” - Lenny Bruce

"An art exhibit in San Francisco honors the 50th anniversary of animation character Gumby. The only other time a character appeared so green and bendable was in the Paris Hilton video."- Jim Barach

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.” - Phyllis Diller

“It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.” - Jackie Mason

Last week my boss said he was going to garnish my wages. Call me dense, but I fail to see how a sprig of parsley in my paycheck will make it any more attractive.

At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS" !!!!

Sometimes being in the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.

Advice is what we ask for when we know the answer but wish we didn't.

A Scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

While touring a reservation in North Dakota filming a documentary, Barbara Walters was puzzled as to why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses. So, she asked a brave who only had one feather in his headdress. His reply was: "Only have one woman. One woman, one feather." Feeling the first fellow was only joking she asked another brave. This brave had two feathers in his headdress. And he replied: "Me have two women. Two women, two feathers." Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number of sexual partners involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers, which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?" The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said: "Me Chief, me sleep with 'em all. Big, small, fat and tall, me sleep with 'em all." Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung." The Chief said: "You damn right, me hung, big like buffalo, long like snake" Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so hostile." The Chief replied: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style.. ... me sleep with 'em all." With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear." The Chief said: "No deer.. Ass too high, run too fast.”

Three guys are discussing what they like in women. Bob said he likes to look at a woman’s breasts. Fred Said he likes to look at a woman’s ass. Pete said helices to look at the top of a woman’s head.

"Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench. "Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked. "No", Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the new bride we just passed." "Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?" "Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it in one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces." "The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth." "Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a newlywed?""Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."

When his dad came home from watching a rugby match between Scotland and England, the young son asked how it went. "It was terribly violent, son. In the break, the Scottish skipper came off the field with a bruised testicle!" "Oh, he must have been in such pain!" "No, no, laddie. It belonged to one of the English."

Kids are kind of like farts: your own are tolerable, but everyone else's are hard to take.

Steven Wright One-Liners
- Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
- I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
- I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
- My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.
- I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
- If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
- Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
- Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
- You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
- I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it.
- When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
- One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.
- I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."
- I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
- There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
- I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
- I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."
- I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
- I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
- Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.
- I got an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal. I like to leave messages before the beep.
- I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
- In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... So I never have to go upstairs.

Oldie Goldie:
Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater. She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets. The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his composure and fled. The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." Mortified, he too fled. "Morons...." the third priest mutters and moves to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you!"

Taking your old boyfriend back is pathetic. It's like having a garage sale and buying your own stuff back.

If you like gambling, the worst thing you can do is bring your spouse with you to the casino. If you lose, they get mad. If you win, they want half!

International Rules of Manhood
1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella
2. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.
3. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.
8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never, ever ask who's playing.
10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel ..and it's free.
12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26. Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever

Recently a survey was conducted by the U.N. worldwide. The question asked was, "Would you please give your opinion about the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure.
In Africa they did not know what 'food' meant.
In Western Europe, they did not know what 'shortage' meant.
In Eastern Europe they did not know what 'opinion' meant.
In South America they did not know what 'please' meant.
And in the U.S. they did not know what 'the rest of the world' meant.

April is a poor month for speculating on the stock market. Other poor months are July, January, March, October, September, November, February, May, June, August, and December.

Bernie and Faye, a wealthy couple, are coming up to their Golden wedding anniversary and Faye wants to go on a cruise. "Bernie," she says, "I'm going to book us a wonderful 6 weeks cruise. I know you don't like ships because you got sea sick last time, but trust me, this one will be perfect for us. It's called 'Bubbeh of the Sea,’ an intimate seven-star luxury liner with everything kosher we could ever want to eat made available. Let’s give it a go." Bernie certainly isn't pleased with Faye's decision, but who is he to argue - he could never win. So he says, "OK dear." On the day of the cruise, Bernie and Faye drive up to the dock in their Rolls Royce. Captain Cohen is on the bridge as they pass by and calls in the purser. "Find out who they are and invite them to dine at my table tonight." Later, the purser knocks on the door of the Royal State Room. When Faye answers the door, the purser says, "Compliments of Captain Cohen, madam. He would very much like you both to dine with him this evening." Bernie comes to the door and says, "Who is it Faye, is there a problem?" "This man says that Captain Cohen wants us to eat with him this evening," replies Faye. "I told you we shouldn't have come," says Bernie, "seven-star or no seven-star, we have only been on this boat half-an-hour and already we have to eat with the crew."

There’s a new car insurance policy written especially for Jewish mothers. It’s called the "My Fault" policy.

Morris was worried that his wife Beckie had not yet returned home from her shopping. He told his friend Max she was two hours late. Max said that she's probably been kidnapped or she's been involved in a terrible car crash, or maybe she’s still shopping. "Oy Vay!" says Morris, "I hope she's not shopping!"

Forecast Haiku:
Today, mild shvitzing.
Tomorrow, so hot you'll plotz.
Five-day forecast: feh!

Condolence Haiku:
The shivah visit:
so sorry about your loss.
Now back to my problems.

I’m sure you all saw the One Minute Haggadah (if not – check it out here - http://haggadah.z-kit.com/h.swf )

I know Passover has already passed over, but for those of us with not so much Hebrew and a little more time, here’s Michael Rubiner’s English version of another abridged Haggadah (So, you’ll use it next year!)

The Two-Minute Haggadah: A Passover service for the impatient.
- Opening prayers:
Thank God for creating wine. (Drink wine.)
Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)

- Overview:
Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we're free. That's why we're doing this.

- Four questions:
1. What's up with the matzah?
2. What's the deal with horseradish?
3. What's with the dipping of the herbs?
4. What's this whole slouching at the table business?
- Answers:
1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent bread.
2. Life was bitter, like horseradish.
3. It's called symbolism.
4. Free people get to slouch.

- A funny story:
Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was morning. (Heat soup now.)

The four kinds of children and how to deal with them:
Wise child - explain Passover.
Simple child - explain Passover slowly.
Silent child - explain Passover loudly.
Wicked child - browbeat in front of the relatives.
Speaking of children: We hid some matzah. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.-

The story of Passover:
It's a long time ago. We're slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh is a nightmare. We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzah. God parts the Red Sea. We make it through; the Egyptians aren't so lucky. We wander 40 years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted again. (Let brisket cool now.)

- The 10 Plagues: Blood, Frogs, Lice, Flies, Pestilence, Boils, Hail, Locusts, Darkness and Death of the First-born.
- The singing of "Dayenu":If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it would've been enough. If he'd punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea, if would've been enough. If he'd parted the Red Sea - (Remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now.)

Eat matzah.
Drink more wine.
Slouch.
Again thank God for everything.