Friday Funnies February 2 07

"Is anybody really that surprised that Hillary Clinton is running for president? I'm not surprised. I mean, if you were married to Bill Clinton .... wouldn't you want to be able to tap his phone, read his mail, and torture him?" --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton has decided to run for president. She threw her hat in the ring. And then Bill threw his ring in the drawer." --Jay Leno

"I'll give President Bush credit though. He addressed the problems troubling Americans -- the war in Iraq, the economy, the need to develop alternative fuels. He seemed to know what we were thinking. It's almost as if he was reading our mail or listening to our phone calls." --Jay Leno

"President Bush now has the lowest presidential approval rating since Richard Nixon. Now, here's another coincidence. Nixon had a dog named 'Checkers.' Bush plays checkers with his dog" --David Letterman

"The Academy Award nominations were announced earlier today. ... Al Gore's movie received two nominations, and out of habit, Al demanded a recount." --David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton, senator from New York, announced she wants to be president. She would be our first female president ... if you don't count James Buchanan." --David Letterman

"In a series of TV interviews this morning, Hillary said her favorite movie as a little girl was 'Wizard of Oz.' Her favorite movie in college was 'Casablanca.' And then after she got married, her favorite movie was 'Kill Bill.'" --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton is running for president of the United States. Hillary says she plans to run as a mother, which has some Democrats concerned that they will be perceived as the 'Mommy Party.' As opposed to last time when Bill was president, when they were perceived as the 'Who's Your Daddy Party.'" --Jay Leno

What do you call a nanny with breast implants? A faux pair.

I attended a party this past weekend. After checking out all the well-dressed guests at the party, I spotted an attractive woman (standing alone) across the room. When I approached and asked her name, she coyly replied "Carmen." Trying to maintain some sort of conversation with her, I responded with "That's a beautiful name, is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself, because it reflects the things I like most in the world - cars and men." Then she asked, "What's your name?" I said, "Golftits."

Dear Husband,
I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me that you love me anymore; you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.Your EX-Wife
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Wife:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry away from what you've been. I watch sports so much trying to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week; the first thing that came to mind was, "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with the letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.Rich As Hell and Free!Your Ex-Husband
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this........But Carl, my brother, was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Some Kiwi humour:
- So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
- I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
- I bought some Armageddon cheese today – it was marked “Best before end”
- So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said, “No, just a watch!”
- I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, Where is he?”
- So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is.”
- I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
- My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
- So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
- I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.
- I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.
- My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me.”
- So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."
- This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
- So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster!
- So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job.”
- So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.”
- So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest.”
- So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.
- I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"
- I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny - you couldn't swing a cat in there.
- I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
- I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Leonard DeCaprio.”
- I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.”
- So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow.”
- Menthol cigarettes, now you know where the middle of the polo mint goes.

Updated Oldie Goldie
A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers,"Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP Laser Jet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows... this is a herd of sheep." "Now give me back my dog."

Ethnic Differences
The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac."The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."

A very devout nun dies and goes to heaven. Upon arrival, she is greeted by Saint Peter with ceremony and honour, and told she may immediately have any wish she chooses while her place is being prepared for her. She humbly and politely replies that she would like an audience with the Holy Mother Mary, if this were possible. Peter agrees on the spot and escorts her personally to a little door, hitherto unnoticed in the great vault of the firmament. He knocks softly. There's a murmured reply from within. He opens the door and indicates to his guest to enter. Within, sitting in a plain chair, is a middle-aged woman in the garb of the first century, engrossed in her knitting. The nun sits reverently for some time at Mary's feet and finally gestures so as to ask a question. Mary looks up from her knitting and indicates it's OK to ask questions. "Reverend Mother, please tell me, you were chosen from all women to be the Mother of G~d, you--a simple woman, I know--but if you could, please, just give me an inkling of what it felt like when IT happened, when the Lord Jesus was born?" With a distant look in her eyes and a wrenching sigh, Mary replied, "Vell,....Ich hob takkeh gevolt a maydel."