Friday Funnies April 14 06

Easter Bunny Wisdom
- Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
- The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.
- Walk softly and carry a big carrot.
- Good things come in small sugarcoated packages.
- Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
- There's no such thing as too much candy.
- Keep your paws off other people's jelly beans.
- Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
- All work and no play can make you a basket case.
- A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.
- The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.
- An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.
- To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell.
- Some body parts should be floppy.
- Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

In a stunning sign of just how popular low-carb fad diets have become, the entire world's Jewish population is vowing not to eat bread or any bread products for 8 days between April 12th through the 19th. - Jake Novak

A new study debunks the myth that women who are nursing should have a drink of alcohol to help them produce more milk. But the study does confirm that having a little alcohol to relax is how most breast-feeding women got into their situation in the first place. - Jake Novak

According to Glamour magazine, they say most stomach ulcers are caused by bacteria transmitted from kissing. Let me tell you something... If you're giving someone stomach ulcers from kissing, I think you're shoving your tongue a little too far. - Jay Leno

Tom DeLay announced that he will not run for re-election. However, he will continue to serve the people of his state by making them license plates. - Jay Leno

A word to the wise isn't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice.

The only thing worse than being a bachelor is being a bachelor's son.

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were looking at a dictionary for the hardest words they knew.The brunette's word was quizzical.The redhead's word was photosynthesis.The blonde's word was dick.

What do rural Ethiopians have in common with Yoko Ono? Both live off dead beetles.

Due to the climax of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as "APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS". And furthermore...(some old, some new)HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIR HEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3 He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION"
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8 He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP
CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"

“I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor… so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.. On your mark…”

“My wife isn’t very bright. The other day she was at the store and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said…did you see the guy that did it? She said … No, but I got the license plate.”

GOOD: An Alberta policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Edmonton AB. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST: A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Saskatchewan R.C.M.P. Officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the R.C.M.P. Ball." "He replied, "Ma'am, Saskatchewan R.C.M.P. don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and drove off. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

Letter To My Pets;
When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not to switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in my way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain *your* food. All other dishes are mine and contain *my* food. Please note that placing YOUR paw print in the middle of MY plate and food does not stake a claim making it YOUR plate and food.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help in your quest to reach the bottom first, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think that I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. I KNOW this. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to one another, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge of the door and try to pull it open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Honest! Also, I have been using the bathroom by myself for quite some time -- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
I can't stress this one enough -- kiss me, THEN go smell the other dog's/cat's behind.

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away................................. We're down here.

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb? Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out.

A single friend told me he had decided he was going to marry a widow. I told him that I wouldn't want to be the second husband of a widow. He replied, ”Better the second than the first!”

Toronto, Canada - A seven year old boy was at the centre of a Toronto courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Toronto Maple Leafs, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Morris attends a lecture on the subject of: "Hunger or Sex, which instinct is the stronger?" The lecturer describes to the audience of a series of tests he had conducted to find a scientific answer. "For my tests," he says, "I used one healthy male and one healthy female chimpanzee. Before each test, I kept them apart so they could not see or hear each other. I also starved the male of both food and sex for a week. For my 1st test, I put a bowl of food in the middle of my lab and then placed the male in one corner and the female in the opposite corner. The male looked at the female, then looked at the food, then rushed to the bowl of food and devoured it. So, ladies and gentlemen, it looked like hunger prevailed over the sexual instincts of the male. But as a true scientist, I did a 2nd test to see whether the earth's magnetic field had influenced the outcome. Again I kept the apes separate, starved the male and put the bowl of food in the middle of thelab. Then I put the male in the Southwest corner and the female facing him in the Northeast corner. The male immediately looked at the female, then at the food, then rushed to the bowl of food and devoured it. So once again the male preferred food to sex. But I wanted to be absolutely sure of the results so I carried out a 3rd test, this time placing the male much closer to the female than to the food. The result was the same. The male looked at the female, then at the food, then rushed to the bowl of food and devoured it. So, ladies and gentlemen, I can say with some confidence that hunger is a much stronger drive than sexual instincts in the male animal. Thank you." After the applause has died down, Morris stands up and says aloud, "I have a question for you, mister lecturer. Have you tried doing the experiments with a different female ape?"

A young boy asks his Priest if God is a man or a woman. The Priest decides to tease the boy and answers that God is both. The boy then asks if God is black or white. Again the answer is both. Next question, is God gay or straight. Once more the answer is both. The boy then asks "Father, is Michael Jackson God?"

In most Canadian Provinces, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop in the single digits or below. One morning in March 2004 about 3AM RCMP Constable Bill Wisen was awakened to respond to such a call of a car off the shoulder on the Trans Canada Highway outside of Medicine Hat, Alberta. Constable Wisen located the car still running, stuck in deep snow alongside the highway. Pulling in behind it with his emergency lights on, Constable Wisen walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel and a near empty bottle of vodka in the seat. He tapped on the window and the driver woke up, seeing the rotating lights in his rear view mirror and the RCMP Constable standing next to his car. The man panicked, he jerked the gearshift into drive and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 then 50 MPH, but the car itself was still stuck in the snow. Constable Wisen, having a sense of humour, began running in place next to the speeding but still stationary car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the officer is actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 20 seconds when Constable Wisen yelled at the man ordering him to "pull over." This man obeyed and turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Once out of the car the drunken driver asked about the RCMP's special training and just how can the Constable run 50 KPH. The man, Mr. Robert Duport of Medicine Hat was arrested still believing that an RCMP Constable had outrun his car.

Passover Haikus:
Lacking fins or tail
the gefilte fish swims
withgreat difficulty.

On Passover
we opened door for Elijah.
Now our cat is gone.

I hired a plumber to help me restore an old farmhouse, and after he had just finished a rough first day on the job: a flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric drill quit and his ancient one ton truck refused to start. While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands. When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation.. His face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss. Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier. ”Oh, that’s my trouble tree,” he replied “I know I can’t help having troubles on the job, but one thing’s for sure, those troubles don’t belong in the house with my wife and the children... So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them. Then in the morning I pick them up again.” “Funny thing is,” he smiled,” when I come out in the morning to pick ‘em up, there aren’t nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before.”