Friday Funnies October 20 06

"Florida Congressman Mark Foley is writing a book. The book will be about 400 pages. I don't know how long the book is, but the book will be about 400 pages." --Jay Leno

"According to a report by the World Energy Experts, North Korea is so short of electricity that the whole country switches off at 9 o'clock. The electricity is shut off at 9 o'clock. So it's a country where few people speak English, they have power outages all the time, they're ruled by a funny looking guy with a strange accent. It's like California without the traffic." --Jay Leno

It's being reported that prostitution has skyrocketed in New Orleans since Hurricane Katrina. In fact, the hookers there are now offering what they call the FEMA Special -- for fifty bucks they tell you to go screw yourself! - Jay Leno

"Mexico said today it plans to take the dispute about building a fence along its border with the United States to the United Nations. The United Nations traditionally has been against building fences between countries because, as you know, the U.N. believes fences are for sitting on." --Jay Leno

"A lot more information coming out about this North Korean leader, Kim Jong-Il. Apparently, he has a tremendous ego, had three wives and he's fanatical about his pompadour hair style. He's kind of like a miniature Donald Trump." --Jay Leno

According to a survey, the most requested funeral song is James Blunt's "Goodbye My Lover." The least requested funeral song? "Another One Bites the Dust?" - Jay Leno

Doctors are prescribing Prozac for women with severe PMS. Not in pill form though. The husband shoots it into her from fifty feet away with a dart gun. - Jay Leno

"President Bush's approval ratings are dipping into the 30s, while Mark Foley is dipping into the teens." --Jay Leno

"A new government study has found that the average American car weighs five-hundred pounds more than it did ten years ago. However, this is only true if an average American is sitting in the car." --Conan O'Brien

"According to the latest poll about the 2008 election, many voters in Iowa consider Hillary Clinton as their second or even third choice. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'I feel the same way.'." --Conan O'Brien

"A new study reports that cell phones may be ruining people's sex lives because people often stop in the middle of sex to answer a call. In fact, some people are having three-ways during three-ways." - Conan O'Brien

Mark Foley's lawyer explained Tuesday that Congressman Foley was molested by his priest as a teenage boy. It's called the cycle of molestation. The priest does it to the boy, then the boy becomes a congressman and does it to the taxpayers. - Argus Hamilton

Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive but what they conceal is vital. - Aaron Levenstein

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -P.J. O'Rourke

A survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night. 25% said it was to get a glass of water, 32% said it was to go to the toilet and 43% said it was to go home.

Getting older, everything gets worse; except forgetfulness... That gets better.

Why don't men know the meaning of fear? They only know one four-letter word beginning with F.

There are tall people, short people, skinny people, and fat people, and every one of them would like to get his hands on the manufacturer who claims, "One size fits all."

A female friend told me she had had an optometrist flirt with her. After I teased her about it, she quickly dismissed the notion of a budding romance. "Can you imagine making out with an optometrist?" she asked. "It would always be, 'Better like this...or like this?'"

A man goes to the doctor and asks if he can do anything for his premature ejaculation. The doctor said, "No, but I can give you the address of a woman who has a short attention span."

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

What's white and crawls up your leg? Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice.

What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy? A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Oldie Goldie
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?" Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..." God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?" Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, " Ah, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!"
Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but .....according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.

Hearing so many people speaking about his intelligence level, George "double you" Bush decided to get his brain checked. The physician's diagnosis was as follows: "Mr. President, you have two brains, the left and the right, like all normal people. But the problem is that in your left brain there is nothing right and in your right brain there is nothing left ...."

Angus and Jock stopped into a Scottish pub for a drink. They called the proprietor over and Angus asked him to settle an argument. "Are there two pints in a quart or four?" "There be two pints in a quart," confirmed the proprietor. They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order. "Two pints please, miss, and the bartender offered to buy them for us." The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so Jock called out to the proprietor at the other end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?" "That's right," he called back, "two pints."

Fidel Castro dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself right at home. Then, Fidel notices that he accidentally left his luggage back in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No hay problema. I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff." When the little devils get to heaven, they find the gates are locked - St. Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should climb over the wall and get the luggage. As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other, "My goodness! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees."

A very petite female janitor (4'10", 90 pounds) worked at an amusement park and was told to go out and sweep up the grounds. As she was getting ready to head out to clean up, her supervisor noticed her putting rocks in her pockets. When asked what she was doing, she pointed out that it was so windy out she was afraid of getting knocked over by the wind. 'So,' she said, 'now I weigh me down to sweep.'

The featured guest on a local radio talk show was a woman who owned a home-cleaning service. After she described what her clients could expect, the program's telephone lines were opened to the audience. The first caller struck to the heart of every woman who had ever contemplated employing such a service. Her question: "How much cleaning do I have to do before your people come?"

The many uses of vodka:
- To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves adhesive.
- To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.
- To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.
- Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.
- Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.
- Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.
- Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.
- Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them.
- Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziploc freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.
- Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.
- To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.- To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.
- Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.
- Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.
- Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.
And silly me. I've only been drinking the stuff!!!

Morris was working as a handyman for a synagogue and asked for a raise. He was turned down, so resigned and went over to the Catholic church to seek gainful employment. There, the priest asked him, "Where was Jesus born?" Morris answered, "Pittsburgh" and was told that he could not have the job. He went over to the Baptist church, and the minister said Morris could have the job if he could answer one question, "Where was Jesus born?" "Philadelphia," Morris answered and was tossed out. Walking away, he ran into the Rabbi, who told him, "The board voted unanimously to approve your raise. Please come back." Morris said, "Alright, I will come back but you’ve gotta answer a question for me. Where was Jesus born?" "Bethlehem," said the Rabbi. Cried Morris, "I KNEW it was in Pennsylvania!"