Friday Funnies December 1 06

"President Bush is putting together his presidential library, and apparently the library is going to cost $500 million, which works out to $100 million per book. Expensive books, they're popouts." --Conan O'Brien

"It's not that the library is going to be extravagant. It's just that he's hiring Haliburton to build it. They're the best." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush is trying to raise $500 million for the Bush Presidential library, not just a library, it will also contain a think tank, because when you think George W. Bush you think thinking." --David Letterman

"NBC has announced that they will know refer to the Iraq war as a civil war. .... President Bush said no no no no no, it's not a civil war until it becomes a series of Time Life books." --David Letterman

"The Christmas tree was delivered to the White House yesterday. Just what we need at the White House, more dead wood." --David Letterman

"Mitt Romney may run for president. Some wonder if a Mormon could be elected president. I think he'd make a fine president. He'd be standing up there with his 18 first ladies." --Jay Leno

"Henry Kissinger says the war in Iraq is un-winnable. And if anybody knows how not to win a war its Henry Kissinger." --Jay Leno

Regardless of where you stand on the issue of the U.S. involvement in Iraq, here's a sobering statistic. There has been a monthly average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theatre of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of 2,112 deaths. That gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers. The firearm death rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000 Persons for the same period. That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in the U.S. Capital than you are in Iraq. Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington

America's Roman Catholic bishops voted overwhelmingly Tuesday calling on gay and lesbian Catholics to remain celibate, and for married Catholics to reject artificial contraception. They also passed resolutions in favor of black and white TV's and rotary dial phones. - Jake Novak

"The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it's their fault." - Henry Kissinger

It's finally here, I've reached the metallic age in my life. Silver in my hair, Gold in my teeth and Lead in my ass.

Newspaper ads can be expensive. As a result, many companies abbreviate words. However this company cut just one corner too many: "Wanted: Office Ass."

According to a new survey about sex, 41 percent of people said they would consider having sex for money if the amount offered was large enough. The average woman said the amount would have to be at least $100,000 and the average man said, "How much do you have on you?"

A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket. "How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked. The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky. "You mean," asked the motorist, "that even He is against me?"

For my fourth Caesarian section I opted for a bikini incision, which, along with the previous scars, would form an arrow on my tummy. "Honey," my husband joked when I told him, "after 13 years and four kids, I hardly need directions."

I’m now on a maintenance diet. I'm trying to remain "chubby" and not blossom into "obese."

"I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help". -Mark Watson

How did the butcher introduce his wife? Meet Patty!

The lanky Texas ranch hand was still a virgin at twenty-one, so, on his first trip to the big city, he decided to visit a brothel and find out what he'd been missing. Upon securing the address of a rather exclusive establishment, he soon found himself lying in bed with an attractive partner. Sensing the lad was somewhat inexperienced; the professional gently took his hand and placed it on the source of her income. "Is this what you're looking for?" she whispered seductively. "Well, I don't rightly know, ma'am," the cowboy murmured shyly. "I'm a stranger to these parts."

One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So, he's flying around looking for a bit of action. He flies over a field where he sees Wonder Woman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with her legs apart and up in the air. Superman was tempted. He thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of there before she even knows I'm here." So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone. Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a dazed expression. "What the hell was that??" she exclaimed. "I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he rolled off, "but my ass is killing me..."

Q: What is the center of gravity? A: v

Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.

Gravity was discovered by Sir Isaac Newton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

And now, with a little less gravity…A Simpleton's Guide to Science:
Relativity: Family get-togethers at Christmas.
Gravity: Strength of a glass of beer.
Time travel: Throwing the alarm clock at the wall.
Black holes: What you get in black socks.
Critical mass: A gaggle of film reviewers.
Hyperspace: Where you park at the superstore.

Albert Einstein Quotes;

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex... It takes a touch of genius --- and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.

When his wife asked him to change clothes to meet the German Ambassador: they want to see me, here I am. If they want to see my clothes, open my closet and show them my suits.

I don't believe in mathematics.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax.

Imagination is more important than knowledge.

Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts.

We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.

Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.

Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.

Old friends, like old wines, don't lose their flavor. --Jewish Proverb

When you teach your son, you teach your son's son. --The Talmud

A wise man hears one word and understands two. Yiddish Proverb

You can't control the wind, but you can adjust your sails. - Yiddish proverb

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison"

An Alphabet For Our Senior Years.
A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have -- in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms,
my body's deployed
And I am keeping
twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!