Friday Funnies October 13 06

I hope you're not superstitious about Friday the 13th. Only an idiot would give himself up to such an unfounded, pagan, ridiculous and foolish fear as triskaidekaphobia - Oh damn! there goes my hard drive!"

President Bush helped dedicate an aircraft carrier named after his father. Isn't that nice? He christened the ship by saying, 'It's great to be here on the USS Dad.'." --Conan O'Brien

"The Senate has voted to approve the building of a 700-mile fence along the 2,000-mile border of Mexico. This is what happens when you let President Bush do the math." --Jay Leno

"The Republicans finally got some good news over the weekend. The North Koreans set off a nuclear bomb. Thank God. It was so powerful it knocked the Mark Foley story right off the front page. And knocked him off the page he was on, too." --Jay Leno

"Speaking of Foley, let's see what's happening on Brokeback, I mean Capitol Hill. God, it shows you how times have changed. It used to be a good thing when two congressmen were on the same page. Now, it's horrible." --Jay Leno

"With rumors swirling of him possibly running for office, George Clooney said the only thing he plans to run for has two legs and a skirt. To which Ted Kennedy said, 'You can do both.'." --Jay Leno

"Former President Bill Clinton has now struck a deal with several major food companies to supply schools with snacks that have less fat, less sugar and less salt. This is all part of Clinton's new program, 'No Child Left With A Big Behind.'." --Jay Leno

"In discussing Hillary Clinton's run for the presidency, the Reverend Jerry Falwell said the faithful are scared by Hillary Clinton. To which Bill Clinton said, 'Hey, not as much as the unfaithful. Believe me.'." --Jay Leno

While we’re on the subject, here are some past gems on Hillary:
"Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs have come out. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you, too, will want to sleep with an intern." - Craig Kilborn

In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts."- Jay Leno

"In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said 'I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air.' No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said."- David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family." - David Letterman

"Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new home in Washington. People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same."- Jay Leno

"Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch." - Craig Kilborn

"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it."- Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. . .the one with only seven commandments."-David Letterman

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road in upstate NY one evening when an old cow walked in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't. The old cow was hit and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists. About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray and his face was smeared with lipstick. He was holding a half empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand and an expensive Cuban cigar in the other, smiling happily from cheek to cheek. "What happened?" demanded Hillary. "Well," the driver replied, "The farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell them?" insisted Hillary. The driver replied: "I said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed the old cow. Things kinda got confused after that.

"The New York Yankees, the world's most famous sports franchise, failed to make it to the American League finals when they lost on October 7th to the Detroit Tigers. The Yankees, who are almost expected to win the championship every year, failed for the fifth straight year. Here are the top ten reasons why they may have gone out in the first round this year:
10. George Steinbrenner rumored to own 52% of company that sells "Yankees Suck!" t-shirts.
9. Playoff bonuses would have pushed Alex Rodriguez into too high of a tax bracket.
8. Yankees were unable to sign or trade for David Ortiz, Manny Fernandez, Albert Pujols, Carlos Delgado, Jermaine Dye, Alfonso Soriano, Ichiro Suzuki, Jim Thome, Frank Thomas, and Troy Glaus in the off-season.
7. Johnny Damon secretly replaced in Game 2 by actor Matt Damon.
6. George Costanza's suggestion of breathable cotton uniforms seriously backfires.
5. Jason Giambi refused to share steroids with any of his teammates.
4. Detroit Tigers tricked the Yankees by playing devious "fundamental baseball".
3. Not enough Yankee members bought into the old Babe Ruth system of breaking curfew, boozing, and womanizing.
2. 9/11
And the number 1 reason the Yankees lost in the first round:
1. $200 million dollar payroll just doesn't buy what it used to!

A simple test for my American friends:
Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southerner?
The answer can be found by posing the following question:You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
Democrat's Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? What does the law say about this situation? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
Republican's Answer: BANG!
Southerner's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click..... (Soundsof reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click. Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or the Hollow Points?" Son: "Can I shoot the next one!?"Wife: "You Ain't Taking That To The Taxidermist!"

A young high school graduate from Kentucky was having a hard time getting a date for his prom. After almost giving up, his mom and dad suggested that he take his sister. The young lad didn't want to miss his prom so he agreed. On the way home from the prom he took a look at his sister and said "If you weren't my sister I'd pull over and park" She replied "Pretend I'm not your sister" so he pulled over to the side of the road. This finally led to having sex together. After they finished she said "Wow, your dick is almost as big as dad's" to which he replied "Yeah, that's what mom tells me"

By now, most everyone has seen the TV commercial that goes "Head On - Rub it on your forehead," over and over and over. Catchy, yes, but more than a little annoying. Let’s just hope that the makers of Preparation H don’t get any ideas Can you imagine – "Prearation H - Shove it up your ass!"

The judge was very intrigued that 97 year old Sam Schwartz was applying with his wife, 94 year old Sadie Schwartz, for a divorce. The judge asked them why, after 75 years of marriage, they are now splitting up. Sam said, “Well we really haven’t gotten along for the last forty years but we wanted to wait until all of the children were gone.”

Couples are getting divorced at a much higher rate than they used to and at much later ages. By the time some of these geezers get back into the dating scene, the only dating they’re eligible for is carbon dating.

How to cut down on waiting time in the Emergency Room...
While living in Southern California a fellow needed to go to the emergency room. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, he put on his old Army fatigues and stuck a patch that he had downloaded off the Internet onto the front of his shirt. The patch read ‘U.S, Border Patrol’ and looked very official. When he went into the E.R., three quarters of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. But it sure shortened his waiting time! (In downtown Toronto you might do better with one saying ’Narcotics Officer’)

The hit series Grey’s Anatomy is really taking off – probably because they stick to the formula of just a little bit of grey and a lot of anatomy!

Laura Bush bought "Dubyah" a parrot for his birthday. She told Dick Cheney, "The bird is so smart! George has already taught him to mispronounce over 200 words!" "Wow, that's pretty impressive," Cheney said. "But you realize that he just 'says' the words. He doesn't understand what they mean." "That's okay," Laura replied. "Neither does the parrot.

SELECTED PONDERISMS
- I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
- Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
- There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
- Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German plastic surgeon who was cheated out of payment by several women has given pictures of their enlarged breasts to police, in the hope the photos will help trace them. "The women registered under fake names," Michael Koenig, a surgeon in Cologne, told Bild newspaper. "After the operations, which lasted about an hour, they just ran away." "Tanja" went out for "fresh air" after 8,000-euro ($10,000) surgery to enlarge her breasts. "She never came back and never paid," Koenig said. He now plans to demand payment in advance. Bild published a five-column picture of Tanja's naked breasts. "It's probably the most unusual wanted poster police ever had," the newspaper wrote.

There exists a widespread myth that humans should learn about sex from their parents. My relationship with my father nearly ended when he tried to teach me how to drive. I can't imagine our relationship having survived his instructing me how to have sex!

The rich, old, dying man called his lawyer to his bedside for the purpose of disposing of his worldly goods. "How many children have you?" the lawyer asked. "That, sir," said the old-timer, "will be decided by the courts when my will is contested."

What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men? Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

An open mind is wonderful if a matching mouth doesn't go with it.

We used to take life with a grain of salt - now we take it with 5 milligrams of Valium.

It always amazes me the progress scientists are making in cancer research - every day they discover something else that causes it.

A Nebraska farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring Farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 9 opened the door. "Is yer Pa home?" the farmer asked. No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town." "Well", said the farmer, "is yer Ma here?" "No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Pa." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "He went with Ma and Pa." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot To the other and mumbling to himself. "Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I Could take a message fer Pa." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant." The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but, I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."

Sam went to see his doctor, and took a chair in the waiting room. As he sat there his friend Sol walked in, and saw him sitting there. Sol was a notorious stutterer. " H-H-Helllo S-a-ammmm, n-n-nice to see-ee-ee you. Wha-wha what are y-y-youu d-d-doing h-h-here at the d-d-doct--doctors?" I'm here for a prostate examination."" "Wha-wha-whats tha-tha-tha-that?" asked Sol. "Well,"said Sam, "It seems, I pee the way you talk."