Friday Funnies May 5 06

Here's a bizarre story. I'll try to put this as delicately as possible. A woman in El Salvador was arrested for smuggling into prison a hand grenade inside her vagina. Although I guess technically at that point it's no longer a hand grenade. ... In a related story, earlier today former President Bill Clinton announced he's going to El Salvador to look for weapons of mass destruction. - Jay Leno

Experts predict that people will soon be able to have sex with their computer. Speaking for guys, whoever writes the computer sex program, please, please do not call it software. - Alex Kaseberg

73 percent of Americans say that illegal immigration is a serious problem. The other 27 percent said, 'No habla Ingles'.

When you don't know what you are talking about, it's really hard to know when you are finished.

The secret of a successful marriage is incompatability. The man should have the income and the woman should have the patability.

The liquor merchant was heavily invested in a particular brand of popular whiskey but the newly elected governor was looking for a way to enhance revenues. A law was pushed through that levied a special new tax on all hard liquors. The frantic merchant, eager to maintain his large stock of whiskey quickly devised a plan to disguise his product as wine. Late into the night he laboriously soaked every bottle and re-labeled it as red wine. Knowing that this alone wouldn't really fool anyone, he also opened each bottle in the crate, added a bit of red food coloring and re-sealed it with a cork. It was a case of Dewar dye!

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.

My doctor says either I have to lose thirty pounds or grow six inches taller.

10 Words that Don't Exist, but Should:
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. - Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. - The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt' v. - To sterilize the piece of confection (lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowingon it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. -The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. - The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backinga person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. - Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. - The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around askingdiners if they want fresh ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. -The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just asthey answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. -The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. -The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

While being transferred from the county jail, a prisoner escaped. Witnesses say an accomplice threw breath mints at the guards until they became distracted, and the man made a run for it. A spokesman said the officers were not accustomed to these kinds of diversionary Tic Tacs.

WWWDWOA? - What would we do without acronyms?

John Roach for National Geographic News - May 2, 2006
Young adults in the United States fail to understand the world and their place in it, according to a survey-based report on geographic literacy released today. Most young adults between the ages of 18 and 24 demonstrate a limited understanding of the world, and they place insufficient importance on the basic geographic skills that might enhance their knowledge. Young Americans answer about half (54 percent) of all the survey questions correctly. But by and large, majorities of young adults fail at a range of questions testing their basic geographic literacy.
- Only 37% of young Americans can find Iraq on a map—though U.S. troops have been there since 2003.
- 90% couldn't find Afghanistan on a map of Asia.
- 6 in 10 young Americans don't speak a foreign language fluently.
- 20% of young Americans think Sudan is in Asia. (It's the largest country in Africa.)
- 48% of young Americans believe the majority population in India is Muslim. (It's Hindu—by a landslide.)
- Half of young Americans can't find New York on a map.
Remember the December 2004 tsunami and the widespread images of devastation in Indonesia? Three-quarters of respondents failed to find that country on a map. And three-quarters were unaware that a majority of Indonesia's population is Muslim, making it the largest Muslim country in the world.
These results suggest that young people in the United States—the most recent graduates of our educational system—are unprepared for an increasingly global future. Far too many lack even the most basic skills for navigating the international economy or understanding the relationships among people and places that provide critical context for world events. It is clear from the above that the U.S. educational system is starting to fail the young at least when it comes to geography.

They say travel broadens the mind so maybe that’s why George Bush is so eager to send so many young Americans to places like Afghanistan, Iraq or, who knows, even Iran. He’s not just the Great Decider, he could also turn out to be the Great Educator!

I finally figured out why, after invading both Afghanistan and Iraq, Bush now wants to invade Iran. It's got nothing to do with terrorism, oil, 9/11, Osama, WMDs or nukes. If he gets all three in a row, he can start building houses and hotels.

A soldier emerged from a copse of trees and saw a nun walking along the road. Breathless and flustered, he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain why later." The nun was very confused but took pity on him and agreed. A moment later two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here?" The nun replied, "Yes, he went that way." After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq." The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear." The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either."

A crusty Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." "The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955, ma'am." "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him...several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 21:30 now."

Two guys are chatting in bar. One says, "Did you know that lions have sex 4 to 6 times a night?""Damn" says his friend. "I just joined Rotary".

Golf and sex are two things men can enjoy without being good at them. Of course, just for our own pride we should continue practicing to be above par at the respective holes.

Artifacts are a major portion of an American-Indian reservation's economy. Annually, thousands of tourists visit reservations and most will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of the traditional Indian culture. One enterprising Indian was able to outsell his competitors in the sale of wooden dolls by selling them at only a fraction of the cost others had to charge. On examination of his dolls they found that where traditionally hard wood was used, this Indian would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce the dolls at only a fraction of the cost. While he claimed his dolls were still authentic, his competitors complained that it was only a cheap Sioux Veneer.

Some interesting answers from a Sunday School biblical knowledge test:
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah’s wife was Joan of Ark.
Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.
A man should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
King David was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Bible times.
King Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.
Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
Moses went to the top of Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.
The seventh commandment is “Thou shalt not admit adultery.”
Moses died before he ever reached Canada then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The Jews had trouble throughout their history with unsympathic Genitals.
Throughout the Bible's Old Testament, not much good is said about adultery. Turn to the New Testament, however, and lo and behold it’s "Love Your Neighbour" -- I mean, go figure.

A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and asked, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?" "Really," he said, "have you tried mouthwash?"

A man gets to his plane seat and is surprised to find a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. Once in the air, the stewardess comes around and the man asks her for a coffee, whereupon the parrot squawks, "Bring me a whiskey, bitch." The stewardess, somewhat flustered, brings a whiskey to the parrot, but forgets the coffee. When the man points this out to her, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells, "Get me another whiskey, bitch". Quite upset, the stewardess returns shortly with a whiskey for the parrot but still no coffee for the man. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee, bitch, now go and get it for me." In a couple of seconds, two burly stewards arrive, grab both the man and the parrot, take them to the emergency exit and toss them both out of the airplane. As they're falling toward the ground, the parrot turns to the man and says, "You know, you're a pretty mouthy bastard for someone who can't fly!"

A husband and his wife are taking a Hebrew language course. As they walk into the class the rabbi asks the man what does he think about this class. The husband replied "I'll only have to learn the first part of every sentence". The rabbi asked "Why is that?" The husband says: "Because my wife finishes all my sentences"

A certain man had lived a very good life. He had always remained on good terms with God and was blessed in his business. He was very rich. He knew it was near the end, and he would soon have to die. He did love his money, so he prayed very hard to God to try to make a deal to take it with him into the next world. Of course, everyone reminded him that you can't take it with you. But, he prayed hard, and asked God, "Please, may I take just some of it with me?!" God remembered how good he had always been, so he listened to his prayer and thought a while. Again, "Please, God, may I bring something of what I own with me when I die?!" God thought some more and replied, "OK. You can bring just one suitcase with you." The man immediately instructed his servants to fill his largest suitcase with blocks of pure, solid gold. Later, the man died and was asked at Heaven’s Gate, "What are you bringing? Don't you know that 'you can't take it with you'?" He said, "Oh! I had an agreement with God to be able to bring one suitcase with me." "Hmmmm... Well, if He said so, we’ll have to let it go. Open your suitcase and let's see what you brought.""What? You brought... PAVEMENT?"