Friday Funnies March 24 06

From CNN (Wednesday, 12:58 GMT):It has been reported that, in order to deal with the threat of bird flu, President Bush has decided to bomb the Canary Islands.

The National Transportation Safety Board is recommending that airlines weigh the passengers as they get on to make sure flights are not too heavy. That's when you know our nation is getting too heavy. When our big butts are capable of making jet aircrafts fall from the sky. You thought it was embarrassing when they slap that 'weight limit exceeded' sticker on your luggage! Wait until they're putting them on your ass! - Jay Leno

According to statistics, there are over seven million people who are overweight. Of course these are only round figures.

If you think things improve with age, you probably never attended a class reunion.

If a fellow gets married, but finds a temptation elsewhere, hears about it from his wife when she finds out, and finds himself served with papers, you can sum up the experience as: Hitched, Itched, Bitched, Ditched.

"The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": Fighting, Fleeing, Feeding; and .............Mating.

Another year has passed and we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter and winter seems much colder.
I rack my brain for happy thoughts,to put down on my pad,
But lots of things that come to mindthat make me kind of sad.
There was a time not long agowhen life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understandabout "Living in the Past"
We used to go to weddings,football games and lunches.
Now we go to funeral homes,and after-funeral brunches.
We used to have hangovers,from parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body achesand while the night away.
We used to go out dining,and couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,come home and take a pill.
We used to often travelto places near and far.
Now we get sore fanny'sfrom riding in the car.
We used to go out shoppingfor new clothing at the Mall
But, now we never bother...all the sizes are too small.
We used to go to nightclubsand drink a little booze.
Now we stay at home at night and watch the evening news.
That, my friend is how life is,and now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...before you're too darned old!
author unknown

My wife and I were watching a TV ad for a stop-snoring product. The lovely lady in the ad opined,”Nothing ruins a romantic mood like snoring." My wife riposted, If you’re snoring, believe me, the romantic mood is already over!

SLANGDAMONIUM WORD FOR TODAY - duh-rectionsThe rent-a-cop scratched himself as he struggled to come up with the duh-rections Jill needed.DEFINITION: When you stop someone to ask directions, and they know less than you do.

She…………………….
She had been married so many times that she had rice marks on her face.
She had such bony legs that when she sat down, her knees made a fist.
She had so many double chins that she could wear a string of pearls without the string.
She spent so much time in parked cars that they are now showing her on some road maps.
She was so bowlegged and he was so knock-kneed that when they stood together they spelled OX.
She was so cheap that she only did crossword puzzles vertically so that she wouldn’t have to come across.
She was so cheap that she used only one ice cube when she had a headache.
She was so cross-eyed that she thought the sun set in the east.
She was so rich that she sent her dishes out to be dry-cleaned.
She was so thin that when she swallowed an olive three men left town.
She was so thin that when she wore a fur coat she looked like a pipe cleaner.
She was so ugly that when she walked into a room the mice jumped on a chair.
She was so ugly that when she was a child her parents always took her along so that they wouldn’t have to say good-bye.
She was so unattractive that she had to get BO to attract attention.
She was such a prude that she blushed when someone said “intersection.”
She had such a dull life that she looked forward to dental appointments.
She had such bad luck that her contacts got cataracts.
She had a nose so upturned that every time she sneezed, she blew her hat off.

TALLULAH BANKHEAD QUOTES (1903 - 1968)
"I'll come and make love to you at five o'clock. If I'm late, start without me."
"I'm as pure as the driven slush."
"It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time."
"If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner."

You can't take it with you. If you could, hearses would come with roof racks.

On the subject of stupidity:
- "Men are born ignorant, not stupid. They are made stupid by education." -Bertrand Russell

- "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." -Albert Einstein

- "Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity." -Martin Luther King, Jr.

- "Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity." -Anonymous

- "Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change." -Confucius

- "The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt." -Bertrand Russell

- "Success in almost any field depends more on energy and drive than it does on intelligence. This explains why we have so many stupid leaders." -Sloan Wilson

- "A stupid child is ruin to a father, and a wife’s quarreling is a continual dripping of rain."-The Bible: Hebrew, Proverbs 19:13.

- "Stupid is as stupid does."-Forrest Gump

- "'Stupid as a man,' say the women: 'cowardly as a woman,' say the men.

Stupidity in a woman is unwomanly."-Friedrich Nietzsche

- "The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naïve forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget."-Thomas Szasz

- "When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty."-George Bernard Shaw

- "To be stupid and selfish and to have good health are the three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, the others are useless."-Gustave Flaubert

- "Sure the people are stupid: the human race is stupid. Sure Congress is an inefficient instrument of government. But the people are not stupid enough to abandon representative government for any other kind, including government by the guy who knows."-Bernard Devoto

- "There is no cure for stupid wives and willful children."-Chinese proverb

- "A clever wife often sleeps with a stupid husband."-Chinese proverb

- "Unless one pretends to be stupid and deaf, it is difficult to be a mother-in-law or father-in-law."-Chinese proverb

- "The ugly and the stupid have the best of it in this world. They can sit at their ease and gape at the play. If they know nothing of victory, they are at least spared the knowledge of defeat."-Oscar Wilde

- "You even called me stupid in your verse, and I’m almost agreeing, for where stupidity is involved, you are quite an expert, friend."-Franz Grillparzer

- "Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives."-Oscar Wilde

- "One always has the idea of a stupid man as perfectly healthy and ordinary, and of illness as making one refined and clever and unusual."-Thomas Mann

- "The only thing that ever consoles man for the stupid things he does is the praise he always gives himself for doing them."-Oscar Wilde

- "I had rather be an oyster than a man, the most stupid and senseless of animals."-George Berkeley

- "It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid."-George Bernard Shaw

- "We have no words for speaking of wisdom to the stupid. He who understands the wise is wise already."-G.C. Lichtenberg

- "There are only two races on this planet-the intelligent and the stupid."-John Fowles

- "Between a fellow who is stupid and honest and one who is smart and crooked, I will take the first. I won’t get much out of him, but with that other guy I can’t keep what I’ve got."-Gen Lewis B Hershey, Director, Selective Service System

- "One must be a little foolish, if one does not want to be even more stupid."-Michel de Montaigne

- "I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a 'learning experience.' Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I’ve done as a 'learning experience.' It makes me feel less stupid."-P.J. O’Rourke

- "Only in Britain could it be thought a defect to be 'too clever by half.' The probability is that too many people are too stupid by three-quarters."-John Major

- "You have to believe in God before you can say there are things that man was not meant to know. I don’t think there’s anything man wasn’t meant to know. There are just some stupid things that people shouldn’t do."-David Cronenberg

I couldn't help overhearing a man at a nearby pay phone. "I know it's something you want," he said earnestly, "but I don't think tattoos are a good idea. And the same goes for body piercing. As long as you're living in my house, I think you should respect my wishes." I was secretly cheering him on for his fatherly firmness. Then came the 'coup de grace': "Besides, Mom, you're 75 years old! You don't NEED a tattoo!"

Amir Peretz (Labour Party candidate in the upcoming Israeli election) is addressing a union meeting at a certain unnamed Israeli government-owned company. "Comrades - Haverim. On your behalf we have agreed on a new deal with the management. You will no longer work five days a week." "Hooray!" goes the crowd. "You will finish work at 3 PM, not 4 PM." "Hooray!", goes the crowd, again. "You will start work at 9 AM, not 7 AM." "Hooray!" "You have a 150% pay rise." "Hooray!" "You will only work on Wednesdays." Silence, then a voice from the back asks, "Every Wednesday?"

My neighbour was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

The difference between gossip and news is whether you hear it or tell it.

As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.