Friday Funnies November 3 06

"Halloween is tomorrow. Of course, that's when little kids come to your house looking for candy. Or as Congressman Mark Foley calls it, 'speed dating.'." --Jay Leno

Ford lost 6 billion dollars during its last fiscal quarter. Some of the plant layoff notices were terse. "Today, we're putting the brakes on three things. Expeditions, Explorers, and you." - Alan Ray

So, what's the difference between Congress and the Library of Congress? In The Library of Congress, they don't let you lick the pages.

Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

Life's greatest pleasures are the simple ones, like seeing the driver who cut ahead of you on the freeway pulled over by the police 3 miles down the road.

Morris goes to a job interview. The boss says, "I'll give you 8 dollars an hour starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to 12 dollars an hour. So when would you like to start?" Morris replies, "3 months from now."

The Ig Nobel Prizes for this year have just been awarded and the winner in medicine was Francis Fesmire, of University Hospital in Florida, for a study that showed that intractable hiccups can be terminated by "digital rectal massage." "Initially, gagging and tongue pulling manoeuvres were attempted with no change in symptomatology," Dr Fesmire wrote in a study published in the Annals of Emergency Medicine. "Digital rectal massage was then attempted using a slow circumferential motion. The frequency of hiccups immediately began to slow, with a termination of all hiccups within 30 seconds," the valiant scientist found. So, now you know ... and if you do get hiccups, don't ask me for help!

Nurse (admitting a female patient): Are you on any special diets?
Blonde Patient: Yes, I drink Slim-Fast twice a day, but it's not working. In fact, I've gained several pounds.
Nurse: Really? Do you think that skipping meals to drink a shake makes you so hungry that you overeat later?
Blonde Patient: What do you mean, "skipping meals?"

The honeymoon's over when you're no longer drinking to one another, but because of.

This morning, before I had my first cup of coffee and chased the cob webs from my brain, there was a bit of a mess-up with the pills on the kitchen counter. I wish to announce to any of those interested that I shall now be heartworm-free for the next 30 days.

A Cherokee Indian was a special guest at an elementary school. He talked to the children about his tribe and its traditions, then shared with them this fun fact: "There are no swear words in the Cherokee language." One boy raised his hand, "But what if you're hammering a nail and accidentally smash your thumb?" "That," the man answered, "is when we use your language."

After the accident, I told the police officer I thought the driver of the other vehicle was drunk. He told me the other vehicle was a cow.

Want to spend less at the pump? Lose some weight. That's the suggestion from a new study that says Americans are burning nearly 1 billion more gallons of gasoline each year than they did in 1960 because of their expanding waistlines. Simply put, more weight in the car means lower gas mileage. Using recent gas prices of $2.20 a gallon, that translates to about $2.2 billion more spent on gas each year. "The bottom line is that our hunger for food and our hunger for oil are not independent. There is a relationship between the two," said University of Illinois researcher Sheldon Jacobson, a study co-author. In other words, a big waist is a Big Waste.

Oldie Goldie
My Resume
1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
6. I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
11. I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND THAT I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB

So you thought police officers didn't have a sense of humour.... The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country:
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
#14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."
#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey $#*!."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."AND yes, the best one (although, I really like #8)...
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't...sign here."

One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U. S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here." The old man said, "Okay" and walked away. The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush" The Marine again told the man, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just walked away. The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S. Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I have told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?" The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it." The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."

OLD, BUT WORTH REPEATING....
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -- Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" -- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -- Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." -- Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...if there is one." -- Winston Churchill, in response
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S. Cobb"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." -- Jack E. Leonard
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." -- Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." -- Thomas Brackett Reed
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears,but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." -- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -- Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." -- Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." -- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." -- Billy Wilder

A friend told me he was thinking of converting to Judaism just because you can get so many days off work for Jewish holidays. You just call the office and say, "I won't be in tomorrow. It's Meshuggena Verklempt Day. Yeah, well, I can't talk anymore. It's almost sundown. Bye!"