Friday Funnies May 19 06

Seven out of 10 people say they are feeling the pinch of high gas prices. The other three have bought siphoning equipment. - Jim Barach

A new study shows that 3.5 million of the world's Jews descended from just four women who lived about 2,000 years ago. Nothing much is known about the women, except they each claimed to have 3.5 million reasons to complain and make everyone feel guilty. - Jake Novak

A federal survey shows that one in twenty Americans lack basic English skills. The good news is, even without those skills someone can still become President. - Jim Barach

What a world we live in! We spend money we don't have for things we don't need in order to impress people we don't like.

In airplanes, why is there no window in the toilet? Who on earth is going to see in?

As cab drivers oftentimes do, the driver was darting in and out of heavy traffic with complete abandon. After a few hair raising blocks, his passenger leaned forward and said, "Would you please be more careful? I have six children at home.""Scheesch lady." murmured the cabbie. "You got six kids and ya got the nerve to tell ME to be careful?"

Man to wife on wedding night: Are you sure I'm the first man you are sleeping with? Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!

Nouvelle cuisine, roughly translated, means: I can't believe I paid eighty-five dollars and I'm still hungry.

My male roommate and I mixed up our nicotine and testosterone patches. He got cranky and hungry. I got a raise and a corner office.

A South African gold miner loses his leg in a mining accident and is sitting in hospital commiserating with his mate. "Well that's me fucked, who on earth's going to want a one legged gold digger?" His mate replies "Well, you could try Paul McCartney."

Three guys are debating which of their languages is the most pleasing to the ear. The Italian says, "Consider the phrase, 'I love you.' In Italian, it is: 'Ti amo'. What a lovely sound!" The French guy says, "True, but in French it is: 'Je t'adore'. An even more beautiful sound!" So the German asks, "What's wrong with: 'Ick leiber dik,"?

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE! YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?" All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION! BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS!"

Residency choices for bi-polar Americans:
Angel, Ohio, or Devil Town, Ohio?
Death Valley, California, or Life, Tennessee?
Defeated, Tennessee, or Can Do, North Dakota?
Dog Creek, Oklahoma, or Cat Creek, Montana?
Dumbell, Wyoming, or Smart, Virginia?
Fate, Texas, or Chance, Montana?
Fuller, Montana, or Hungry Horse, Montana?
Gay, Oklahoma, or Straight, Oklahoma?
Hell, Michigan, or Paradise, California?
Justice, Kentucky, or Liberty, Kentucky?
Lightville, Ohio, or Darkesville, West Virginia?
Love Cove, Maine, or Hate Cove, Massachusetts?
Moon, Mississippi, or Sun, Mississippi?
Mummie, Kentucky, or Papa, Hawaii?
Peace, Alabama, or War, West Virginia?
Poor, Tennessee, or Rich, Tennessee?
Pull Tight, Alabama, or Push, Arkansas?
Rapture, Indiana, or Boring, Oregon?
Republican, North Carolina, or Democrat, Arkansas?
Rock, Kansas, or Roll, Oklahoma?
Silent Grove, Arkansas, or Sound Beach, New York?
Solo, Tennessee, or Duet, Virginia?
Stop, Georgia, or Start, Louisiana?
White, Arkansas, or Black, Alabama?

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?" "Baptist." "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?" "Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for the different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?" St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here!"

Also known as 'women's intuition,' this sixth sense thing is no myth. Women seem to know what's going on in their man'slives almost better than they do. Why is this? In the early 80's researchers discovered that women have more connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do. It's these connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from seemingly unconnectable pieces... That, and they go through your shit while you're in the shower.

She'd planned on a murder-suicide," said the relieved widower. "Fortunately she suffered from dyslexia."

A civil servant is badly hurt falling down the stairs at work. He is taken hospital where he remains in a coma for several days. Finally, an eye opens and his doctor tells him: "My friend, I have for you some bad news and some good news. First of all, you'll never be able to work again..." "Ohhh," muttered the injured bureaucrat. "And what's the bad news?"

Comments on Golf:
1. Winston Churchill: "Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture."
2. Jack Benny: "Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf, and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf."
3. Lee Trevino: "You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work."
4 Unknown . "Golf is not a game, it's bondage. It was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins."
5. Hank Aaron: "It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course."
6. Lee Trevino: "Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course."
7. Lee Trevino: "I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced."
8. Sam Snead: "These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow."
9. Paul Harvey: "Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five."
10. Tommy Bolt, about the tempers of modern players: "They throw their clubs backwards and sideways, and that's wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don't have to walk any extra distance to get it."
11. Tommy Bolt: "Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four opportunities to blow a gasket in the short space of two to forty feet."
12. Jimmy Demaret: "Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at."
13. Jack Lemmon: "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball."
14. Lee Trevino: "If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron."
15. Unknown: "Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour."
16. John Updike: "Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five."
17. "Silk Stockings" TV Show: "The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music."
18. Gerald Ford: "I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose."
19. P.G. Wodehouse: "The least thing upsets him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows.
20. Bob Hope: "If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him."
21. Ken Harrelson: "In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field fence, the left-field fence, the center-field fence. Nobody cares. In golf everything has got to be right over second base."
22. Chi Chi Rodriguez: "The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life." Rusty nails work well also.
23. Chi Chi Rodriguez: "After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye."
24. Tommy Bolt, toward the end of one of his infamous high-volume, temperamental, club-throwing rounds, asked his caddie for a club recommendation for a shot of about 155 yards. His caddie said: "I'd say either a 3-iron or a wedge, sir." "A 3- iron or a wedge?" asked Bolt. "What kind of stupid, #*!~%^* choice is that?" "Those are the only two clubs you have left in your bag, sir." said the caddie.

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared . . ."ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT WALMART”

PERSONALITY TEST:
In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of fruit on it. They are:
a. Apple
b. Banana
c. Strawberry
d. Peache. Orange
Which fruit will you choose? Please think VERY carefully and don't rush into it. This is great, I was astounded! Your choice reveals a lot about you!
If you have chosen: a. Apple: That means you are a person who loves to eat apples
b. Banana: That means you are a person who loves to eat bananas
c. Strawberry: That means you are a person who loves to eat strawberries
d. Peach: That means you are a person who loves to eat peaches
e. Orange: That means you are a person who loves to eat oranges
I hope you find fulfillment in this new insight about yourself. May it bring you peace and understanding, tranquility and all that other profound shit.

ANYWAY
People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, People may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true Enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.
- Mother Teresa -