Friday Funnies April 28 06

The small town of Clark, Texas has agreed to change its name to Dish, Texas in order for the town's residents to receive free Dish Network satellite TV for the next decade -- which is great. I'll bet the residents of Intercourse, Pennsylvania are saying, 'Shouldn't we be getting something because of our town name?' - Jay Leno

The cell phone people say there's absolutely no danger from cell phone radiation. Boy it didn't take those tobacco executives long to find new jobs, did it?

I still have a lot of trouble with wrong numbers. Yesterday I dialled the Red Cross and got the Internal Revenue Service in error. So the I.R.S. operator asked me what number I had dialled. I said, "The Red Cross, you know, where they take the blood." She said, "Well, you aren't too far off, are you?"

An American friend feels there should be a better deadline for taxes than April 15. He suggested February 31.

In 1987, Congress required that the Social Security numbers of all dependents age five and older be included on the tax return. In that tax year, over 7 million dependents disappeared from tax returns all over the country. Must have been the largest case of mass alien abduction in the history of the world.

This is interesting...did you realize that boss spelled backwards is double s.o.b.

I have CDO. It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, only in alphabetical order like it should be.

My wife said she wanted a pearl necklace for her birthday. Times are tough so I just gave her a bushel of oysters and wished her luck.

The inherent downside in a life of pursuing women is the possibility of inadvertently catching one.

Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.

Marriage is like a 5,000 piece jigsaw puzzle, all sky.

A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.

While I was attending a Law course, the 'Audi alteram parten' rule was explained to us. Translated it means "To hear the other party". After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the rule. Responded one man, "My Wife."

A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants. This is a major breakthrough. Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts without listening to them.

MIAMI - A 76-year-old man tried to pass himself off as a doctor as he went door-to-door offering free breast exams. One of the women who actually believed him got suspicious after he asked her to take off her clothes and started performing an exam without gloves. The white-haired suspect, Philip Winikoff, was later arrested at another woman's apartment. Winikoff, who carried a black bag and said he was visiting on behalf of a local hospital, fondled and sexually assaulted at least two women ages 33 and 36. Winikoff was booked into the Broward County Sheriff's Office lockup and charged with several felonies including sexual battery. His real occupation was as a shuttle driver for an auto dealership. So, he was probably just doing a ‘test drive’ of those women!

Watching TV news shows I found out our highways aren't safe, our schools aren't safe, our parks aren't safe but under our arms we have complete protection.

A birth control pill for men, that's fair. It makes more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a bullet-proof vest.

Two accountants were discussing a colleague's interest in one of the firm's new secretaries. "I just don't get it." said one. "She's an airhead -- nothing going on upstairs. "That may be true," replied the other, "but I don't think that's the floor he's getting off on."

Three geezers are sitting on a porch in Miami Beach. Suddenly the first sighs and says, "Gentlemen, isn't life horrible. Here I am at an age that I can afford the best steaks and what? Bad teeth and gums. I have to eat ground or soft foods." The second answers, "Yeah, life is a real bummer. Why here I am at an age where I can buy the finest wines, champagne, but what? Ulcers, I have to drink milk." The third sighs loudly and adds, "Gentlemen, I know exactly what you mean. Last night at 2 am I nudged my wife and asked her if she's interested. She screams at me, "What is wrong with you Sam? We just got finished doing it for the second time tonight!" After a long pause the first man says, "So what is your problem?" The third one grunts and says, "Can't you see? My memory is going."

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Hillary Clinton. That evening, the man introduced Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get "those feelings" again.. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary, cautiously, and whispered in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

A few weeks ago a man walked into the washroom of a Tim Horton's Donut Shop at Yonge and Bloor Streets in Toronto and proceeded to blow himself up using a fire bomb. Witnesses say that they overheard another man leaving the washroom prior to the explosion yelling, "I said Roll up the rim ...not Blow up the rim"! Other witnesses thought that Tim Horton's new Fruit Explosion Muffin had done the nasty inside the washroom... Sadly, the unidentified man is now what's considered "Tim Bits" and Pieces having blown himself up but good.

A man was interviewing a jeweller for a story he was writing on giving new life to old jewellery, and asked the man to tell him about his most memorable client. "It was a divorced woman who had me make a pair of earrings from her inscribed wedding band," he recalled. "One earring read, 'with all' and the other, 'my love.' "When I asked why she had wanted it done that way, she answered, 'To remind me the next time anyone said that to me, to let it go in one ear and out the other.'

A friend was lamenting the other day that he just can’t catch a break. He opined that his daughter's 14 and getting breasts, and his wife's 48 and getting a moustache!

The evening news is where they begin with "good evening", and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive.

For those of you who voted for Stephen Harper or George Bush here’s an article that’ll encourage a whole heapin’ helpin’ of “I-told-you-so-in’.”About the time the original 13 states adopted their new constitution, in 1787, Alexander Tyler, a Scottish history professor at the University of Edinburgh, had this to say about the fall of the Athenian Republic some 2,000 years prior:
“A democracy is always temporary in nature; it simply cannot exist as a permanent form of government. A democracy will continue to exist up until the time that voters discover that they can vote themselves generous gifts from the public treasury. From that moment on, the majority always votes for the candidates who promise the most benefits from the public treasury, with the result that every democracy will finally collapse due to loose fiscal policy, which is always followed by a dictatorship.”“The average age of the worlds greatest civilizations from the beginning of history, has been about 200 years. During those 200 years, these nations always progressed through the following sequence:
1. From bondage to spiritual faith;
2. From spiritual faith to great courage;
3. From courage to liberty;
4. From liberty to abundance;
5. From abundance to complacency;
6. From complacency to apathy;
7. From apathy to dependence;
8. From dependence back into bondage

Professor Joseph Olson of Hamline University School of Law, St. Paul, Minnesota, points out some interesting facts concerning the 2000 Presidential election:
Population of counties won by: Gore: 127 million; Bush: 143 million;
Square miles of land won by: Gore: 580,000; Bush: 2,427,000
States won by: Gore: 19 Bush: 29
Murder rate per 100,000 residents in counties won by: Gore: 13.2 Bush: 2.1
Professor Olson adds: “In aggregate, the map of the territory Bush won was mostly the land owned by the tax-paying citizens of this great country. Gore’s territory mostly encompassed those citizens living in government-owned tenements and living off government welfare...”Olson believes the United States is now somewhere between the “complacency and apathy” phase of Professor Tyler’s definition of democracy, with some 40 percent of the nation’s population already having reached the “governmental dependency” phase.

And now for a little balance……..Subject: BUSH MONUMENT
Dear Friends and Relatives:I have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise $5,000,000 for a monument of George W. Bush. We originally wanted to put him on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces. We then decided to erect a statue of George in the Washington, D. C. Hall Of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, since George could never tell the difference. We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Republican of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else'smoney.
Thank you.George W. Bush Monument Committee
P. S. The Committee has raised $1.35 so far.

A Dictionary for Republicans:
- Alternative energy sources; n. New locations to drill for gas and oil. [Peter Scholz, Fort Collins, CO]
- Bankruptcy; n. A punishable crime when committed by poor people but not corporations. [Beth Thielen, Studio City, CA]
- "burning bush"; n. A biblical allusion to the response of the President of the United States, when asked a question by a journalist who has not been paid to inquire. [Bill Moyers, New York, NY]
- Cheney, Dick; n. The greater of two evils. [Jacob McCullar, Austin, TX]
- Class warfare; n. Any attempt to raise the minimum wage. [Don Zweir, Grayslake, IL]
- Climate change; n. The blessed day when the blue states are swallowed by the oceans. [Ann Klopp, Princeton, NJ]
- Compassionate conservatism; n. Poignant concern for the very wealthy. [Lawrence Sandek, Twin Peaks, CA]
- Creationism; n. Pseudoscience that claims George W. Bush's resemblance to a chimpanzee is totally coincidental.[Brian Sweeney, Providence, RI]
- DeLay, Tom; n. 1. Past tense of De Lie. [Rick Rodstrom, Los Angeles, CA]
- Extraordinary rendition; n. Outsourcing torture. [Milton Feldon, Laguna Woods, CA]
- Faith; n. The stubborn belief that God approves of Republican moral values despite the preponderance of textual evidence to the contrary. [Matthew Polly, Topeka, KS]
- Free markets; n. Halliburton no-bid contracts at taxpayer expense. [Sean O'Brian, Chicago, IL]
- Girly men; n. Males who do not grope women inappropriately. [Nick Gill, Newton, MA]
- God; n. Senior presidential adviser. [Martin Richard, Belgrade, MT]
- Growth; n. 1. The justification for tax cuts for the rich. 2. What happens to the national debt when Republicans cut taxes on the rich. [Matthew Polly, Topeka, KS]
- Healthy forest; n. No tree left behind. [Dan McWilliams, Santa Barbara, CA]
- Honesty; n. Lies told in simple declarative sentences--e.g., "Freedom is on the march." [Katrina vanden Heuvel, New York, NY]
- House of Representatives; n. Exclusive club; entry fee $1 million to $5 million (See Senate). [Adam Hochschild, San Francisco, CA]
- Laziness; n. When the poor are not working. [Justin Rezzonico, Keene, OH]
- Leisure time; n. When the wealthy are not working. [Justin Rezzonico, Keene, OH]
- Liberal(s); n. Followers of the Antichrist. [Ann Wegher, Montello, WI]
- No Child Left Behind riff; 1. v. There are always jobs in the military. [Ann Klopp, Princeton, NJ] 2. n. The rapture.[Samantha Hess, Cottonwood, AZ]
- Ownership society; n. A civilization where 1 percent of the population controls 90 percent of the wealth. [Michael Albert, Piscataway, NJ]
- Patriot Act; n. 1. The pre-emptive strike on American freedoms to prevent the terrorists from destroying them first.2. The elimination of one of the reasons why they hate us. [Michael Thomas, Socorro, NM]
- Pro-life; adj. Valuing human life up until birth. [Kevin Weaver, San Francisco, CA]
- Senate; n. Exclusive club; entry fee $10 million to $30 million. [Adam Hochschild, San Francisco, CA]
- Simplify; v. To cut the taxes of Republican donors. [Katrina vanden Heuvel, New York, NY]
- Staying the course; interj., slang. Saying and doing the same stupid thing over and over, regardless of the result.[Suzanne Smith, Ann Arbor, MI]
- Stuff happens; interj., slang. Donald Rumsfeld as master historian. [Sheila and Chalmers Johnson, San Diego, CA]
- Voter fraud; n. A significant minority turnout. [Sue Bazy, Philadelphia, PA]
- Woman; n. 1. Person who can be trusted to bear a child but can't be trusted to decide whether or not she wishes to have the child. 2. Person who must have all decisions regarding her reproductive functions made by men with whom she wouldn't want to have sex in the first place. [Denise Clay, Philadelphia, PA]

It was the third day my husband, Joe, had been in the intensive care unit following his fifth surgery for the removal of most of his remaining small intestine. The surgery took many more hours than expected. Joe was older and weaker, and he wasn't responding. As I sat beside his bed, two nurses tried repeatedly to get him to cough, open his eyes, move a finger - anything to let them know he could hear them. He didn't respond. I sat praying to God to please help Joe respond - any sign that he might survive. Finally, one of the nurses turned to me and suggested that perhaps if she knew something personal about our family, she could try to stimulate his response with that knowledge. She said, "Maybe you, as his daughter, could help us with such information." I smiled and said, "I'll be happy to give you personal information, and thank you for the compliment, but I'm his wife of forty-three years, not his daughter, and we're about the same age." The nurse looked at me and said, "The entire staff thought you were his daughter and had even commented how wonderful they thought it was that his daughter was with him all the time." As they were expressing how I looked so young, a little cough came from my husband, and we all turned to stare at him. He didn't open his eyes, but loud and clear he said, "She dyes her hair!"

Each one of us is a mixture of good qualities and some perhaps not so good qualities. In considering our fellow man, we should remember his good qualities and realize that his faults only prove that he is, after all, a human being. We should refrain from making harsh judgment of a person just because he happens to be a dirty, rotten, no-good son-of-a-bitch."