Friday Funnies September 15 06

"Former Vice President Al Gore said he may run again for president. Insiders say Gore wants to avenge his 2000 victory." --David Letterman

"According to a new survey by Fox News, the two top Democrats in the presidential race are Hillary Clinton and Al Gore. One is worried about the icebergs melting, the other is an iceberg -- so it's hard to figure out." --Jay Leno

"President Bush's new position on torture is, 'We don't do it. We've never done it. And we're going to stop doing it.'." --Jay Leno

"In an interview on 'Nightline' the other night, Hillary Clinton says she has to face what she calls the 'Goldilocks' theory of politics, where she's too liberal for some, too moderate for others, and never just right. If there's anybody who can identify with the Goldilocks story, it's Hillary Clinton. I mean, how many times has she come home and found someone sleeping in her bed?." --Jay Leno

"The shuttle launch was delayed again today. ABC now doing a miniseries blaming the whole thing on Bill Clinton." --Jay Leno

A California bill would allow prisoners to have condoms. The only thing worse than being on death row is finding out your cellmate has a large shipment coming in from Trojan. - Jim Barach

Recently someone was browsing through the 40th Anniversary Issue of Reader's Digest (dated Feb. 1962), and came across this reprint from the Washington News. Quite interesting considering our current debates!
The Quote: "Vice President Lyndon Johnson received the following message from an Indian (Native American) on a reservation: "Be very careful with your immigration laws. We were careless with ours."

Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet, my sister rushed him to the emergency room. "He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two." "How will I be sure?" she pressed. "Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."

Deep Thought: If you sometimes get the sudden urge to run around naked, Drink some Windex. It will keep you from streaking.

WANT ADS FOR A WIFE:
FISHERMAN: Wife wanted, must be able to dig, clean, cook worms and clean fish. Must have own boat with motor. Please send photograph of Boat & Motor.
SALESMAN: Once in a lifetime offer, to get yourself the original, genuine article. One of the most handsome and smartest bachelors around is now looking for a wife. And you could be the lucky one he chooses! Has own house, car and successful career!
ECONOMIST: There is demand of a wife. Though supply is no problem, my requirements are high. However the Elasticity of my demands should not bear too heavy a burden upon the national interest.
MATHEMATICIAN: Wife required to complete the formula of my life. Must be numerate and understand complex algebraic logarithms. Needed to help further my family unit.
IT CONSULTANT: Well there is definite room for improvement in my life. The speed of my current flows of information and processes is slowing down and the inclusion of a wife into the programming of my life is bound to improve efficiency. Compatibility could be an issue.
BUSINESS MAN: Wife wanted for company.
POLITICIAN: I feel there is a need in this world, to improve the ways we live, to harmonize the processes of life and to build upon past differences and short comings. I believe that we the people need someone to share our lives. To feel the joys of parent hood, and bear the social responsibilities, as we should in a civilized society..etc., etc., never getting to the point.
CAR DEALER: Wanted a sturdy, reliable, low depreciating wife. Should be in excellent working condition. Should not have a third party insurance.
FARMER: Wanted a wife from good stock. Required for breading.
LAWYER: I hereby propose to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of wife after marriage. The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly a girl with evidence to support this view that she is a girl. The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord i.e. Myself. Any objections would be overruled. Apply in strictest confidence as all liabilities are null and void in the event of failure on your part of any kind whatsoever.
PILOT: Wife required to fly through life together. Only level headed applicants need apply. She must not have her heads in the clouds, but have her feet firmly on the ground. Her heart must be in it for the long haul. And she absolutely must also be aerodynamically sound!
BANKER: Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service for which no service charges would be payable.
ACCOUNTANT: Required a girl endowed with mind boggling assets + a good head for figures. Remember BOTH conditions need be fulfilled. Tendency towards making unnecessary expenditure will prove to be a liability in the selection process. Her very nature should be one of generating as more income in my life as possible. She will be profited from the alliance with a nice personality [ME] and this relation will be to the credit of her family.
BUILDER: Wanted a wife to help build upon the foundations of my life. Must be homely and willing to build relationship from the ground up. Pillars of solid safety and beams of understanding will be provided.
DOCTOR: I am looking for a wife to cure the emptiness i am experiencing. She must be capable of injecting happiness in my life. She should not wrangle me in the vicious circle of multiple tests. However if she feels the need for a second opinion then it's fine by me.
ARMY COMMANDO: My mission in life is to find myself the perfect wife. Successful applicants must be able to use a penknife and a compass. She who dares wins. Camouflage provided.
RACE CAR DRIVER: A model wife required to fit in with my fast track life. Must be able to keep pace.
ASTRONAUT: I'm searching for a wife to fill the black hole my life has become. Someone to share my universe. Must have looks that are out of this world.

Home Remedies:
1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
6. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

A Pennsylvania farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 40 something lady dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?" She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?" He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye. Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?" The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye. Then the lady unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?" He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying. The lady asked, "Why on earth are you crying?" Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado levelled my barn and now I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HEALTH CARE PLAN:
(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "an apple a day."
(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.
(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."
(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLAN:
(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape!

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. "I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone. Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape. Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma. Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him. "Go see if that was a duck, will you?"

During her annual check-up, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. "Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you." "All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through." In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?" "Put them on the chair, on top of mine."

Did you hear about the German bisexual woman? She went down on her Hans and niece.

If you remember the original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.! A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean? A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh.

A virile, young Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No." Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."

Two small business men in Toronto are sitting in their soon to be new store. As of now the store is bare with just a few shelves. One says to the other "I bet you 5 dollars that any minute a Newfie is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we are selling".” No sooner were the words out of his mouth when sure enough a curious Newfie walks to the window, has a peak and asked "So what are ya sellin here byes?" One of the smartass businessmen cracks with a chuckle, "Oh, we're selling assholes here." With that, the Newfie replies "Well I see you're doing really well, you've only got two left!"

Two old men, Ike and Irving, meet while tottering around the park on their morning constitutional. "Irving, how are you?" asks Ike, patting his friend on the arm. "Terrible, terrible," mutters Irving. "My memory's going. For instance, I can't remember whether it was you or your brother who died."