Friday Funnies July 7 06

Paris Hilton is now dating a hockey goalie. When asked about it, Paris said, "We have a lot in common. We're both used to having a lot of rubber coming at us." - Conan O'Brien

A Texas man was robbed at gunpoint by two teenage girls he met on myspace.com. That just shows you how dangerous myspace.com has become, when it's not even safe for middle-aged, creepy guys looking for underage girls. - Jay Leno

"To his credit President Bush knew all the protocol when meeting a Japanese prime minister. He's had a lot of practice bowing to oil company executives." --Jay Leno

The Christian Scientist Church is hoping to expand. The church now believes its message of prayer over conventional medicine will appeal to millions of Americans who can no longer afford health insurance. -Jake Novak

"They have an amazing proliferation of TV channels now: The all-cartoon channel, the 24-hour-science fiction channel. Of course, to make room for these they got rid of the Literacy Channel and the What's Left of Civilization Channel." -Dennis Miller

The dentist told me I grind my teeth at night, so now before I go to sleep I fill my mouth with hot water and coffee beans and set my alarm for 7:30. - Jeff Marder

My husband and I had a really nice wedding. We had a mixed marriage. I'm Jewish and he ain't. For my family, he crushed a beer can under his foot. For his family, I pretended I was a virgin.- Roseanne

Then there was the blonde who ended up in the hospital on the fourth of July after she got carried away with the celebrations and lit the string on her tampon!

I’m not much of a football fan and I’ve pretty much had it up to my eyeballs with World Cup coverage and have even joked about flying a flag from my car that says “I DON’T REALLY GIVE A SHIT WHO WINS!” Thankfully I wouldn’t stoop as low as this guy. German police are hunting a 'prankster' who has been filling footballs with concrete. The footballs have been left around Berlin with signs saying: "Can you kick it?" Six of the concrete stuffed footballs have been found so far, all chained to fences. A spokesman for the Berlin police said: "So far two young men, a 21-year-old and a 23-year-old, have been treated for injuries to their feet after kicking the footballs. "We think they could have been left by someone who is sick of the World Cup and are investigating the matter as the balls seem to be deliberately designed to injure.

"What do you get when you mix vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia? A Philip's screwdriver.

What's the difference between an angry circus owner and a Julius Caesar's Barber? One's a raving showman, the other is a shaving Roman.

Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Daniel Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start to say something, his wife said... "And just what the hell is that supposed to mean? Thus, Webster's Dictionary was born!

Wedding ring: The world's smallest handcuffs.

Men screw with dicks; women screw with minds.

A husband: A person who expects his wife to be perfect and to understand why he isn't.

Qoutable Quotes from George Bernard Shaw:
- "When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth."
- "My way of joking is to tell the truth. It is the funniest joke in the world."
- "Take the utmost trouble to find the right thing to say, and then say it with the utmost levity."
- "I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation."
- "Few people think more than two or three times a year; I have made an international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week."
- "A fashion is nothing but an induced epidemic."
- "The more things a man is ashamed of, the more respectable he is."
- "If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance."
- "A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing."
- "Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh."
- "A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it; it would be hell on earth."
- "There are two tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart's desire. The other is to get it."
- "Everything happens to everybody sooner or later if there is time enough."
- "Lack of money is the root of all evil."
- "A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education."
- "He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career."
- "Americans adore me and will go on adoring me until I say something nice about them."
- "England and America are two countries separated by a common language."
- "Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.'
- "Democracy substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few."
- "A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul."
- "Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history."
- "If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must Man be of learning from experience."
- "You'll never have a quiet world till you knock the patriotism out of the human race."
- "Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it."
- "The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it."
- "All great truths begin as blasphemies."
- "Beware of the man whose God is in the skies."
- "The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact than a drunken man is happier than a sober one."
- "When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty."
- "One man that has a mind and knows it can always beat ten men who haven't and don't."
- "The worst sin toward our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them: that's the essense of inhumanity."
- "Hell is full of musical amateurs."
- "I can forgive Alfred Nobel for having invented dynamite, but only a fiend in human form could have invented the Nobel Prize."
- "If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion."
- "Imagination is the beginning of creation. You imagine what you desire, you will what you imagine and at last you create what you will."
- "Martyrdom is the only way in which a man can become famous without ability."
- "Reading made Don Quixote a gentleman. Believing what he read made him mad."
- "Do you know what a pessimist is?" "A man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it."
- "The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man."
- "Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children."
- "We have no more right to consume happiness without producing it than to consume wealth without producing it."
- "Women upset everything. When you let them into your life, you find that the woman is driving at one thing and you're driving at another."
- "He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches."
- "It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

"I decided to stop worrying about my teenage son's driving and take advantage of it. I got one of those bumper stickers that say, "How's my driving?" and put a 900 number on it. At $1.00 a call, I've been making about $95 a week.

All you need to know about bagpipes:
Q. How do you get two bagpipers to play in perfect unison? A. Shoot one.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion? A. Nobody cries when you cut up a bagpipe.
Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin while blindfolded? A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe? A. You can tune the lawnmower.
Q. What's the range of a bagpipe? A. Twenty Yards if you have a good arm.
Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A1. To get away from the sound. A2. Moving targets are harder to hit.
Q. What’s the sweetest sound ever heard from bagpipes. A. The sound you hear when a set of bagpipes goes sailing into a dumpster and lands on an accordion.

A cow suddenly stopped giving milk. Her udder failure could have been attributed to her sorry love life. She got a bum steer. Depressed she curdled up with a Duke Ellington CD, and a bottle of plum wine, and mooed indigo.

Top marks go to the government agency in Scunthorpe, England, who updated their email system to use a filter which filtered out any emails containing profanity or obscene language of any kind. All was fine, 'til they realized that no one whatsoever had got ANY emails during the whole week since they installed the software. They checked through everything and couldn't find a problem... until one bright spark pointed out that all their email addresses, contained the word.... well, you’re bright enough to figure it out yourself.

One summer, a few years ago, a middle age French-Canadian man named Jacques decided to vacation on the coast of Maine. While soaking up some sun on the beach, a very pretty girl caught his eye and his sexual desires. He immediately got up, ran to her, grabbed her by the hand and brought her to his hotel room. There he had sex with her and then sent the young lady on her way. She immediately reported this to the police and Jacques was arrested. On his court date the judge asked him if he understood the nature of the crime he committed against the young lady. Jacques looked at the judge with a bewildered look and said "Non! Hi don't understand! Hin my country you grab de pretty girl, bring her to de hotel room, BOOM-BOOM, give hit to her den let her go! Hit's O.K.!" "Sir," the judge said, in THIS country if you are to have sex with a lady, you must have her permission first, or it is considered rape. You must have her consent!" After hearing this, Jacques turned around and mysteriously looked at the judge and exclaimed, "CUNSCENT!!! Hi got her cunscent!!! Hi got her cunscent on my fingers, cunscent on my mustache, hi got her cunscent everywhere!!!

Four women were chatting in the locker room, when one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation like jerking off, wanking, choking the chicken, spanking the monkey, and so on there weren't any common slang terms for female masturbation. One woman said she thought they should just feminize “jacking off” to “jilling off.” Another suggested “stroking the man in the boat” while the third thought of “creaming the clam.” The fourth woman snorted. "After fourteen years of marriage, I just call it “finishing the job."

There was this boy in high school that was what you would consider a nerd. Anyway he had his own lab in the basement of his home and one night he came up and said "Dad look what I made." So he poured a flask of fluid into a pot of soil and instantly grass started to grow. Of course his dad was really impressed with this and asked his son if he can make something to make his penis grow. His son thought for a minute and said that if he did then dad would have to buy him a convertible. Dad agreed. The next night the son came out of the basement and gave his dad a vial. The next morning his father came to him and told him that he had something to show him. They went to the front yard and the boy saw a cherry red Ferrari.The son looked at his dad and said "I only asked for a convertible." The dad replied "the convertible is in the garage. The Ferrari is from your mother."

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you and the fire engine. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?Answer: Get off the children's Merry-Go-Round - you're drunk.

Egotism - usually just a case of mistaken nonentity.- Barbara Stanwyck

Happiness is good health and a bad memory. - Ingrid Bergman

Bureaucracy defends the status quo long past the time when the quo has lost its status.- L. Peters

Old age to me is always fifteen years older than I am.- B. Baruch

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.- Short North Sal

My mother-in-law had a pain below her left breast. Turned out to be a bad knee.- Phyllis Diller

Lord, give me patience . . . and hurry!- G. R. Ragsdale

Why do bald men have holes in their pockets? So they can run their fingers through their hair.

Becky is having lunch with Hannah. Becky says, "My Morris is just impossible. Absolutely nothing pleases him. Tell me, Hannah, is your Harold hard to please?" Hannah shrugs and replies, "I wouldn't know. I've never tried."

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession even to the grocery store which was a few blocks from the house. After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age."