Friday Funnies January 12 07

"An Iraqi judge officially dropped all remaining charges against Saddam Hussein. That's nice. You don't want to leave a guy hanging." --Jay Leno

"A new poll has Hillary Clinton coming in fourth among Democratic hopefuls in Iowa. Which is not really bad considering she came in eighth behind other women in her own home." --Jay Leno

"Today Nancy Pelosi became the first woman Speaker of the House. They say this is the furthest anyone in a dress has gotten in Washington since J. Edgar Hoover." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is calling his new plan for Iraq 'The New Way Forward.' Don't confuse it with the old plan. That was called 'Winging It.'" --Jay Leno

"Congratulations to Florida. They beat Ohio State 41-14 yesterday. ... It was so bad President Bush offered to send 20,000 extra players to Ohio." --Jay Leno

“President Bush is claiming that a new postal law gives him the authority to read anyone's letters without a warrant. If you're upset about the law, you can let Bush know by writing to your sister." --Conan O'Brien

"It has been reported that Rudolph Giuliani has trademarked the name 'Rudolph Giuliani' so other candidates can't use his name in negative campaign ads. ... For similar reasons, Hillary Clinton has trademarked the words 'ballbuster,' 'castrater,' and 'nutcruncher.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday in New York there was a horrible gas-like odor. Today officials think they've traced the source of the smell to a rotting swamp in New Jersey. The name of the rotting swamp? New Jersey." --Conan O'Brien

"Isn't this weather crazy? This is the warmest January in the history of weather keeping records. As a matter of fact, another chunk actually broke off Condoleezza Rice." --David Letterman

I was driving with my wife at my side and my mother-in-law in the backseat and they just wouldn't leave me alone. My mother-in-law said, "You're driving too fast!" My wife said, "Stay more to the left." My mother-in-law said, ”Watch out for that truck!” After about another ten mixed orders, I finally turned to my wife and asked, "Who's driving this car - you or your mother?"

A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to an impresario with a very tough reputation. "I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will amaze you." He proceeds to climb a tall tower, and jumps off. He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows. He soars forward, then swoops upward, turns and swoops back again. Finally he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground. The impresario stares blankly at him for a long time. Finally he says, "Is that all you've got? Bird imitations?"

David Letterman’s Top Ten Rejected James Bond Gadgets:
10. Glove-compartment Slurpee machine
9. Super-itchy pants
8. Stapler with hidden scotch-tape dispenser
7. Self-cleaning Isotoner gloves
6. Special implants that turn 007 into a 009, if you know what I mean
5. Laser-action Flowbee
4. More-realistic-than-usual rubber vomit
3. Pepper grinder that dispenses a little too much pepper
2. "Real killer"-detecting nine iron
1. The Quiz Machine

A Mountie pulled a car over on the Trans Canada about 2 miles west of Winnipeg. When the Mountie asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Brandon to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and he didn't want to be late. The Mountie told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Mountie that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Mountie told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Mountie got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, driving through from Alberta got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Mountie observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, cause there's no fuckin` way I can pass that test."

As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was. "Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right." Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up. "They're from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."

A blonde began a job as an elementary school counsellor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. The blonde approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, the blonde then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. - A woman watching New Year's Eve fireworks from a picnic table found out that her bra can do more than lift and support: It also slowed a falling bullet. The .45-caliber bullet struck Debbie Bingham, 46, after someone fired a gun into the air about 20 minutes before midnight. She still needed stitches, but the wound might have been much worse except for the bra strap, police spokesman George Kajtsa said. Bingham, who was in town from Atlanta, said she is thankful for the undergarment, which she said was "very cheap." "I'd love to have a couple more of those bras," she said. Bingham said she was listening to music and enjoying the fireworks with her daughter and son when she felt a sharp pain in her shoulder. Then Solanda Bingham, 30, noticed blood seeping through her mother's white shirt, and they found the bullet lodged halfway into the gold-colored bra. The other half was barely breaking the skin, Bingham told WTSP-TV. Kajtsa described the wound as a "big scratch with bruising." St. Petersburg police were searching for the shooter to determine if the shooting was intentional, Kajtsa said.

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it. He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis." The other one replies, It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and as John doesn't, he should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2p.m.sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John then quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500". Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back." Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!

Yossel the Hassid is in London on business, staying in a good, central 4-star hotel. It's now one hour to shabbos and he's all dressed up in his shabbos clothes ready to go to a local shul. He takes the lift to the ground floor and walks towards the exit. As he reaches the reception area, he sees a stunning British Airways hostess with blond hair and a face and figure to die for. She has just checked in. As soon as she sees Yossel, she stops in her tracks and walks quickly over to him. "Hello," she says to him. "Hello to you too," he says. "I have a confession to make," she says. "And what would that be?" he asks."I have a sexual fantasy," she says. "Nu, so go on," he says. "I've always wanted to be with a Hassidic man. I want to run my hands up and down his white silk socks, run my hands over his tzitzes and my fingers through his beard, play with his payess, eat kichel with him, poke my finger in his puppik, remove his gatkes, play with his shlong and then shtup. So I want you to join me now. I have a room upstairs just waiting for us. What do you say?" Yossel looks at her thoughtfully and says, "And what's in it for me?"

A man in Paris saw a pit bull attacking a toddler. He killed the pit bull and saved the girl's life. Reporters swarmed the fellow to cover the story.... "Tell us! What's your name? All Paris will love you! Tomorrow's headline will be: "Paris Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'" The guy says, "But I'm not from Paris." Reporters: "That's OK. Then the whole of France will love you and tomorrow's headline will read: "French Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!" The guy says, "I'm not from France, either." Reporters: "That's OK also. All Europe will love you. Tomorrow's headlines will shout: "Europe's Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'" The guy says, "I'm not from Europe, either." Reporters: "So, where ARE you from?" The guy says, "I'm from Israel." Reporters: "Oh. OK.....Then tomorrow's headlines will proclaim to the world: "Jew Kills Girl's Dog!"

And, in closing, a nice story:
Last week, I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is great, God is good. Let us thank him for the food, and I would even thank you more God if Mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!!" Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!" Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?" As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer." "Really?" my son asked. "Cross my heart," the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes." Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes and my soul is good already."
Sometimes, we all need some ice cream. I hope God sends you some ice cream today!