Friday Funnies December 22 06

A new study says male circumcision may cut the risk of spreading AIDS. So for all those guys who say wearing a condom makes them feel uncomfortable, there's finally an alternative! - Jake Novak

Around election time I passed an older gentleman in his yard and noticed he had several signs, each proclaiming support for a different political candidate. "I guess you can't make up your mind," I said to him. "That's not it," he smiled. "My grass was looking a little brown, so I thought I'd put in some fertilizer sticks.

Sky Harbor Airport in Phoenix was chosen Friday to test those X-ray machines that see right through a passenger's underwear. Everyone will see pictures of what you look like underneath your clothes. It's like being Britney Spears for a day.- Argus Hamilton

"This California company that was charged to build this stupid fence along the border of Mexico has been charged with hiring illegal immigrants. ... Prosecutors say this is the worst case of irony they have ever seen." --Jay Leno

"The White House announced this week it will not have a new Iraq strategy until after the start of the new year. ... Apparently, President Bush is hoping that Santa will bring him one." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday federal agents conducted huge raids in six states and arrested 1,300 illegal immigrant workers at Swift meat processing plants. I believe this was the biggest raid of a meat packing plant since they stormed Congressman Mark Foley's office." – David Letterman

David Duke told a Holocaust seminar in Iran last Monday that Israel was using its own Holocaust to try to perpetrate one on Iran. He had to be there. Iran has its annual white sales in December and David Duke saves money on sheets wherever he can. - Argus Hamilton

An old woman is sitting on a park bench with a big smile on her face as she feeds the pigeons a whole loaf of bread, one piece at a time. A yuppie watching her chastises her, “You shouldn't throw away good food on a bunch of pigeons that can find food anywhere when there are a lot of people starving in Africa. With an indignant look she snaps back, "Well, hell, I can't throw that far!"

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her -- "Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you". When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is sucha wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked. "Love." The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven. About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. Then I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word", the woman told him. "Which word?" her husband asked. "Czechoslovakia"

A housewife is at home when she suddenly hears a knock on the door. When she opens the door a man asks her if she has a vagina. The woman slams the door in disbelief at what a stranger has just asked her. The same thing happens for three consecutive days and the woman decides to tell her husband. The husband says to the wife, "Tomorrow I am not going to work and when the man asks if you have a vagina, say 'yes' and I will be hiding behind the door." The next day the same man comes again, and when the woman opens the door he asks if she has a vagina. The woman says, "Yes". The man then said, "Good! Then please tell your husband to stop screwing my wife.

A Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean. When he gets to Nanaimo, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job.He walks into the MacMillan-Bloedel office and fills out an application as an 'experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for someone. But first, the bush foreman takes him for a ride into the bush in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows.The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree. "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains." The Newfie promptly answers, "Dat dere's a Sitka Spruce eh? and she got 383 board feet a' lumber in 'er." The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger door window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class. "Lord tunderin'! Dat's yer Douglas Fir and she got 690 board feet." says the Newfie. Now the foreman is really impressed. The Newfie has answered quickly and got the answers right without even using a calculator! One more test. They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window. "And what about that one?" Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newfie says, "A Yeller Cedar, 242 board feet at mos'." The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little pissed off because he thinks that the Newfie is smarter than he. As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the Newfie to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree." The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot! How would he know which is the front of a tree?" When the Newfie reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk. He runs back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. "Dat's da front a' dat tree fer sure." the Newfie states, cocksure. The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?" The Newfie looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies,"Cuz someone took a shit behind it eh?." He got the job and is now the foreman.

Oldie Goldie
God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me." Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?" God said, "Go down into that valley." Adam said, "What's a valley?" God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river." Adam said, "What's a river?" God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......." Adam said, "What is a hill?" So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave" Adam said, "What's a cave?" After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a woman." Adam said, "What's a woman?" So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce." Adam said, "How do I do that?" God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well. So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back. God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?" And Adam said ………"What's a headache?"

While driving along the back roads of a small town, two Newfie truckers, Pat and Mike, came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3." They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4." "What do you think?" Pat asked. Mike looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"

Twas the night before Christmas, and we, being Jews
My girlfriend and me -- we had nothing to do.
The Gentiles were home, hanging stocking with care,
Secure in their knowledge St. Nick would be there.
But for us, once the Hanukkah candles burned down,
There was nothing but boredom all over town.
The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight;
There weren't any concerts to got to that night.
A dance would have saved us, some ballroom or swing,
But we searched through the papers; there wasn't a thing.
Outside the window sat two feet of snow;
With the wind-chill, they said it was fifteen below.
And while all I could do was sit there and brood,
My girl saved the night and called out "CHINESE FOOD!"
So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts and boots--
To cover out heads, our hands, and our foots.
We pulled on our jackets, all puffy with down.
And boarded "The T," bound for old Chinatown.
The train nearly empty, it rolled through the stops,
While visions of wontons danced through our kopfs.
We hopped off at Park Street; the Common was bright
With fresh-fallen snow and the trees strung with lights,
Then crept through "The Zone" with its bums and its thugs,
And entrepreneurs selling ladies and drugs.
At last we reached Chinatown, rushed through the gate,
Past bakeries, markets, shops and cafes,
In search of a restaurant: "Which one? Lets decide!"
We chose "Hunan Chozer," and ventured inside.
Around us sat others, their platters piled high
With the finest of foods their money could buy:
There was roast duck and fried squid, (sweet, sour and spiced,)
Dried beef and mixed veggies, lo mein and fried rice,
Whole fish and moo shi and shrimp chow mee foon,
And General Gaus chicken and ma po tofu....
When at last we decided, and the waiter did call,
We said: "Skip the menu!" and ordered it all.
And when in due time the food was all made,
It came to the table in a sort of parade.
Before us sat dim sum, spare ribs and egg rolls,
And four different soups, in four great, huge bowls.
The courses kept coming, from spicy to mild,
And higher and higher toward the ceiling were piled.
And while this went on, we became aware
Every diner around us had started to stare.
Their jaws hanging open, they looked on unblinking;
Some dropped their teacups, some drooled without thinking.
So much piled up, one dish after the other,
My girlfriend and I couldn't see one another!
Now we sat there, we two, without proper utensils,
While they handed us something that looked like two pencils.
We poked and we jabbed till our fingers were sore
And half of our dinner wound up on the floor.
We tried -- how we tried! -- but, sad truth to tell,
Ten long minutes later and still hungry as well,
We swallowed our pride, feeling vaguely like dorks,
And called to our waiter to bring us two forks.
We fressed and we feasted,
we slurped and we munched.
We noshed and we supped,
we breakfastd and lunched.
We ate till we couldn't and drank down our teas
And barely had room for our fortune cookies.
But my fortune was perfect; it summed up the mood
When it said: "Pork is kosher, when its in Chinese food."
And my girlfriend -- well ... she got a real winner;
Hers said: "Your companion will pay for the dinner."
Our bellies were full and at last it was time
To travel back home and write some bad rhyme
Of our Chinatown trek (and to privately speak
About trying to refine our chopstick technique).
The MSG spun round and round in our heads,
As we tripped and we laughed and gaily we said,
As we carried our leftovers home through the night;
" Good Yom Tov to all -- and to all a Good Night!"

Remember the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during Chanukah, is that you save the receipt...

Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar!
December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3 Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pinecones, fashion cat-o-nine tails. Flog gardener.
December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7 Debug Windows XP.
December 8 Create snow sculpture replica of Bethlehem at the birth of Christ.
December 9 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 10 Lay Faberge egg.
December 11 Erect ice skating rink in front yard using spring water I bottled myself. Open for neighborhood children's use. Create festive mood by handmaking snow and playing my Christmas album.
December 12 Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 13 Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 14 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade 'holiday scents' in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 15 Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 16 Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 17 Outfit neighborhood rats with tiny antlers.
December 18 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guests will be same height when sitting at their assigned seats.
December 19 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive touch to the pasture.
December 20Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices, and cinnamon sticks.
December 21 Float votive candles in toilet.
December 22 Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 23 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 24 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemadepotpourri.
December 25 Alphabetize all the Christmas gifts for family and friends and cross-reference by color and size.
December 26 Write and mail Christmas thank-you notes. Order cards for next Christmas. Estimate number of cards needed by allowing for making new friends and actuarially appropriate death rates for current friends and relatives.
December 27 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 28 Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 29 Hand sew 365 quilts, each using 365 material squares I weaved myself used to represent the 365 days of the year. Donate to local orphanages.
December 30 Release flock of white doves, each individually decorated with olive branches, to signify desire of world peace.
December 31 New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

As a special event for Chanukah, the Sunday School Class performed a song during services they'd worked on for weeks. The harmony was wonderful and the kids' enthusiasm was contagious. When they finished, the congregation stood, applauding their efforts. After services, an eight-year-old ran up to his Mom excitedly, and happily exclaimed "Mom! Did you see that? We got a standing congregation!"