Friday Funnies September 22 06

"Do you like the world of romance? Condoleezza Rice is apparently dating a Canadian politician. It's a proud day for Canada. It's the first nation to put a man on Condoleezza." --David Letterman

"Actually, I heard that she was trying to learn the Canadian national anthem. They were alone in a room and she was heard going, 'Oh, Canada. Oh, oh, Canada.'." --Jay Leno

"It's rumored in Washington that Condoleezza Rice has a new boyfriend. Allegedly, he's Canada's Foreign Minister, Peter MacKay. Since he's a diplomat and he visits her at the White House, he has to have a Secret Service code name. Do you know what his Secret Service code name is? 'Captain Kirk.' You know why they call him that? Because he's going where no man has gone before." --Jay Leno [and of course because Captain Kirk a.k.a. William Shatner is also – dare we admit it - from Canada]

A new sports bra recently went on sale that features a special pocket to hold an iPod. In fact, I saw a woman today who looked like she was carrying at least 20,000 songs. - Conan O'Brien

According to a new study, men on average have higher IQs than women. The study was published by a group of guys who never want to get laid again. - Conan O'Brien

A Wisconsin man was arrested after trying to dig up the body of a woman he wanted to have sex with after seeing her obituary picture in the paper. There's a word for people who want to have sex with a lifeless body. Husbands. The man was arrested after buying condoms at Walmart. Just what exactly was he worried about? Getting her pregnant and delivering a zombie? - Jim Barach

Charges have been dropped against three Wisconsin men planning to dig up a woman's corpse for sex, because there are no laws against necrophilia in Wisconsin. How bad is the dating scene in that state? - Jim Barach

Bill Gates has donated $68 million to fight tropical diseases. How about a couple of dollars to kill those viruses that keep getting in my computer through my PC? - Jim Barach

A Connecticut man is suing a wig shop after claiming a bad fitting toupee caused him to become upset and have a heart attack. If that's the case, Donald Trump should have been dead years ago. - Jim Barach

Doctors say erectile dysfunction could be a sign of impending heart problems. Or maybe that your girlfriend is just ugly. - Jim Barach

"Kind of ironic that global warming made Al Gore hot again." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton's opponent in the U.S. Senate race, the Republican she's going to be running against, has been married three times, had an affair with his chief of staff, had two kids with her while still married to his second wife. This is the first time in history that a Clinton is the 'family values' candidate." --Jay Leno

"On 'Dancing with the Stars' the other night, conservative pundit Tucker Carlson is gone. He got the least number of votes. A Republican stopped by a lack of votes -- when does that ever happen?" --Jay Leno

Lindsay Lohan is the talk of the Internet due to a paparazzi shot that revealed Lindsay not wearing panties and, well, let’s just say I didn’t know Lindsay was Brazilian.- Alex Kaseberg

"One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a bowling ball." -Don Carter, pro bowler

Health Watch: by KrisFamous
American sailor and cultural icon Popeye the Sailor has been bed-ridden much of today after suffering from what appears to be a case of E. coli outbreak. "Mr. The Sailor has been suffering from diarrhea and bloody stools," said his doctor, Dr. Hutchinson. "He is very sick and only leaves his bed so as not to soil himself." Dr. Hutchinson is keeping close watch on Popeye for fear that me may develop kidney failure that could potentially lead to death.The cause of the E. coli appears to be from the very same spinach that is causing the very same ailment all across the United States. According to his girlfriend Olive Oyl, Popeye ingested massive amounts of spinach earlier today protecting her from the nefarious plots of the evil Bluto.Close friend of Popeye, J. Wellington Wimpy, has tried to nurse Popeye back to health by offering him numerous hamburgers but Popeye has turned them all away and instead continues to eat the potentially deadly spinach. "I yam what I yam, and that's all I yam," Popeye commented about this choice before slipping back into unconsciousness."Most healthy adults can recover from E. coli poisoning in a matter of a week," said Dr. Hutchinson. "Unfortunately for Mr. The Sailor, the very food he feels is making him stronger is actually causing his sickness. I just pray, for his sake, that we can find some untainted spinach for him to eat lest he certainly perish."

To stay young, associate with young people. To age faster, try keeping up with them.

Middle aged women are finding out that midlife is when the growth of the hair on their legs slows down. Of course this gives them plenty of time to care for their newly acquired moustache.

A study shows that men are hit by lightning four times as often as women, usually after saying, "I'll call you."

Rule for a happy marriage: If your spouse isn't talking to you, don't interrupt.

From the Toronto Star’s Sunday Poetry Corner:
There once was a girl name of Whitney
She delivered a drug induced lit’ny
Now she cries a sad cry
“Bobby took the supply.
Where’s the hair of the dog that has bit me?”

Archaeologists have finally come up with an explanation as to why man eventually began walking upright: to free up their hands for masturbation.

High Pope Crisis Hypocrisy: by Yasha
Oooh boy, Pope Benedict XVI has sparked off a new round of controversy on the "Arab Street". He offended lots of Muslims, quoting a Byzantine Christian king who said that Islam is a religion of violence that prosteletyzes by the sword.In Indonesia, at the Palestinian embassy, the protest organizer, Heri Budianto, claimed that "Of course as we know the meaning of jihad can only be understood by Muslims ... Only Muslims can understand what jihad is. It is impossible that jihad can be linked with violence, we Muslims have no violent character."To mark their anger and rage, and to demonstrate how non-violent Islam is, many Muslims protested with violence, burning an effigy of the Pope in Pakistan, and firebombing various targets, including Anglican churches in the Holy Land. (The Anglican Church is not even under the Catholic Pope's dominion).Good thing for Denmark that he wasn't wearing a cartoon T-shirt of Mohamed at the time.

What happens when a fly falls into a coffee cup at an international cafe? The Englishman throws the cup and walks away. The American takes out the fly and drinks the coffee. The Chinese eats the fly and throws away the coffee. The Japanese drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge. The Israeli sells the coffee to the American, the fly to the Chinese and buys himself a new cup of coffee. The Palestinian blames the Israeli for the violent act of putting the fly in his coffee, asks the UN for aid, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Englishman, the American, the Chinese, the Japanese all try to explain to the Israeli that he was too aggressive.

The Canadian Government Immigration Department may be leaning just a tad right since the Conservatives came to power, as witnessed by the new telephone greeting:"GOOD MORNING, WELCOME to Canada and thanks for calling." "Press "1" for English." "Press '2' to disconnect until you have learned to speak English.”

At the end of a particularly severe winter, a chap removed the protective covers from his cabin cruiser and found that the weight of the snow had broken the windshield. He drove to the local glass shop and paid $110 for a replacement. The owner asked if he'd like them to install it, but he said I could handle it himself. He managed to climb up the ladder to the deck before dropping the glass. Sheepishly he returned to the shop. The owner showed no emotion as he cut the second glass. When the fellow saw another $110 charge, he said, "I thought I might get a break on the second piece of glass." "I did give you a break," the glass man replied. "How so?" he asked. "I didn't laugh, did I?" he answered.

A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free. "Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?" "Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor, "That would be defeeting the porpoise."

A woman’s young daughter used to love helping her do the grocery shopping. On one such trip, the woman asked her daughter to get her a "bunch" of celery. Busying herself with other items, she then heard people laughing. When she looked around, she saw her daughter had placed every bunch of celery that was on the shelf into the cart. When she asked her daughter why, she stated: You asked for a BUNCH of celery and that’s what I got. After the mother explained what she meant they both enjoyed a big laugh and remember the event fondly to this day.

Two members of a congregation have been feuding for years. On Yom Kippur eve, just before the Kol Nidrei service, the Rabbi brings the two men together in his office. You must make peace the Rabbi commands. What is the point of going in to the synagogue and asking God to forgive you when you cannot even forgive your fellow man? The two men are both moved. They hug and promise that they will not fight anymore. When the services end, one of the men greets the other and says, "I prayed for you everything that you prayed for me." "Oy," says the other man "so you are starting up again already?"

For my Jewish friends – A Prayer For The New Year:
May you be blessed with good neighbours who are there for you when you need them, and who are not around too much when you don't need them.
May the clothing styles of yesterday come back so you can wear all that stuff that you don't have the heart to throw away.Let Nehru jackets, and bell bottom trousers, and slim ties, and Hawaiian prints become fashionable for men again, so that I can be in style again. And may empire waistlines, and mumus, and granny skirts come back for women. After all, why should those foreigners -- Armani, Gucci, Versace and Borsini dictate what we wear? Instead may those great American Jewish designers ...Poly and Ester, reign supreme, and may they bring back those wonderful stretch leisure suits, and sun bonnets and high button shoes, which are no longer seen anywhere, except maybe in Century Village.
May the expressions "you know", and "like", and "whatever" be retired.And may those old fashioned expressions: "thank you", "pardon me", "after you", and "you look lovely", come back into use instead.
May we sing songs that are singable, that have lyrics that are understandable, and may we not have to wear ear plugs when our children play music in their rooms.
In this new year that now begins, may your hair, your teeth, your facelift and your stocks not fall. and may your blood pressure, your cholesterol and your mortgage interest rate not rise.
May the world enjoy a year that is free of hurricanes, earthquakes, fires, drought, and political speeches, which produce the most wind of all.
May you have a spouse, or a child or a friend, or a grandchild, who loves you, even though they really know you.
And may you learn that giving love away freely without strings is the surest way of receiving it in return.
And, in the darkest moments of this new year, and there will be some dark moments, be assured of that, in those dark moments of the year, may you remember that you are not alone, that God is with you, and that God loves you, that is why He made you just a little bit lower than the angels.
May you win the lottery, and thereby acquire a host of long lost relatives, and may you remember your synagogue when you win.
May your insurance pay whatever your doctor charges, without insisting on any further investigation, and may the IRS accept whatever you pay, without insisting on any further investigation too.
May your children or your grandchildren receive a good report in school.And may you receive a good report too, from your dentist, from your ophthalmologist, from your dermatologist, from your cardiologist, from your gastro-enterologist, from your podiatrist, from your urologist, and ultimately, from your God.
May there be peace this year between the Jews of Israel and the Arabs, and may there also be peace between the Jews of Israel, which sometimes seems much more difficult to achieve.
May your bank statement and your budget both balance, and may they both include generous amounts for charity.
May you have enough to give you contentment, and may you have enough left over, so that you can be generous.
May the telemarketers not call you during dinner time, and instead, may you receive calls, from long lost friends, and from new ones too.
May we keep rage off of the freeways, and out of the workplace, and out of our homes, and direct it instead at racism, at poverty and at all the evils that we politely tolerate.
May we learn in this new year that what really counts the most is not the years but the days, not the machines we have in our lives, but the people we have in our lives, not how much we can accumulate but how much we can share, and with whom.
And may we have peace in the world for all to enjoy.