Friday Funnies August 4 06

"Humanitarian aid in the U.S. has begun arriving in Lebanon. The U.S. Government sent 10,000 medical kits, 20,000 blankets, $30 million cash, and today the people of New Orleans said: 'They did what?'" --Jay Leno

"Realize if Al Gore is right and the polar ice caps do melt, the entire state of Florida would be under water and he could finally win a presidential election." --Jay Leno

Scientists in Italy have discovered that a large number of the male Italian population have a penis that is less than 3" in length. In order to help Italian research, the Canadian Government has asked that those Italians living in Canada who are afflicted with this condition identify themselves by displaying a red, white and green flag when driving their cars during the month of July.

The Lifetime Channel is working on a new reality series called "You're not the man I married," where brides discover after a few years of marriage that the man they married isn't who they thought he'd be. There's a similar show in the works from the guys' perspective. It's called "Honey, have you put on a couple of pounds?”

Something has to be wrong, we spend sixty million a year on medical research and two billion on get-well cards!

An extremely irate woman called the manager of a medical lab and demanded that he describe every laboratory test on her statement. Reluctantly, he complied. Starting with the first test on her bill, he read, "No. 1, urinalysis." She interrupted him at once. "I'm a what?"

A husband suggested that his wife go bra-less. She said, "Do you think my breasts are still perky enough?" He replied, "No, but maybe it'd pull the wrinkles out of your face."

Bumper sticker: “Grow your own dope - plant a man!”

Words of Wisdom:A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.

How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.

No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

There are no new sins .... the old ones just get more publicity.

There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

Think about this..., No one ever says “It’s only a game” when his team is winning.

Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense at all.

Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

I’ve reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

Be careful reading the fine print. There’s no way you’re going to like it.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can’t buy happiness—but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

After a certain age, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

In a recent interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward Hezbollah The General said, "I believe that forgiving Hezbollah is God's function. The Israeli's job is to arrange the meeting."

The male bodybuilder eyed a gorgeous female lifting weights in the gym. He ambled over and said, "Hey babe. What do you say to a little private training session?" She replied, "What do you have in mind?" He stared at her crotch and said, "I feel like working on the snatch." She retorted, "I think you should head for the showers." "Why?" She pointed at his crotch and said, "You'll have to settle for the clean and jerk."

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her: "Hello. How are you? We've been waiting for you. Good to see you." When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place. How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked. "Love." The woman correctly spelled "l-o-v-e," and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven. About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said, "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation, and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," the woman told him. "Which word?" her husband asked."floccinaucinihilipilification" she replied.

Oldie Goldie:
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat." The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion. The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door. Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

Two ants have a race around the toilet seat. One ant wins and waits two hours for his friend. "Where have you been?" "I got pissed off!"

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners . . .
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

UPI July , 2006
A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot. As carefully and as gently as he could he worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. The large bull elephant stared at him and lifted it's front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, all the while staring at the man. The man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him. The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him. Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Life As It Should Be by George Carlin:
The life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, start out dead and get it out of the way. Then you wake up in a nursing home, feeling better every day.. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and finally you finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case!

The U.S. jury-selection process is designed to be impartial . First a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are placed into a drum, and a dozen names are pulled. During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 1 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror. "There may be," he replied. "Juror No. 12 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything." Both were excused.