Friday Funnies July 28 06

"This Friday, 'American Idol' winner Taylor Hicks will go to the White House to meet with President Bush. That's pretty cool, isn't it? Imagine an awkward Southern guy, who nobody thought could win anything, sitting down with the 'American Idol,' Taylor Hicks." --Jay Leno

"Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton made an interesting statement. She said technology's getting so intrusive, she feared that soon American children will one day have a computer chip implanted in their brains. She said she is against that idea, however, she said she wouldn't mind having a low-jack installed in Bill's ass." --Jay Leno

"Happy Birthday to Senator Bob Dole. Bob Dole turned 83 on Saturday. Bob said today every year is a little harder for him, thanks to Viagra." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, former President Bill Clinton campaigned for Senator Joe Lieberman. Clinton got the crowd so worked up that they had trouble sleeping through the Lieberman speech." --David Letterman

"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?" -Paul Merton

Air Traffic controller Humour:

- Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!” Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”

- “TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.” “Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?” “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”

Here are a few web site names that could have used a little more thought:
1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is www.whorepresents.com
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com
5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company…www.powergenitalia.com
6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:www.molestationnursery.com
7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com
8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com
9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com
10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com

Some new definitions:
1. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
2. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
3. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
4. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
5. A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
6. A mathematician is like a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there.
7. A topologist is a someone who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and doughnut.
8. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."
9. A psychologist is someone who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
10. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
11. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
12. A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

How can you tell if your date really enjoys oral sex? She hikes up her skirt every time you yawn.

Shortly after her wedding, the newlywed wife is complaining to her mother about her husband's insatiable sexual appetite. "He wants to do it 15 times a day, anytime, anyplace, anywhere -- on the table, on the stairs, on the sofa, in the car, in the morning, in the afternoon, and in the evening. I can barely walk anymore!" The mother advises her daughter to tell him that she has her period, which seems like a good idea. So that evening, when the husband comes home from work, he proceeds to undress himself and his wife, when she stops him. "I'm sorry sweetie, but it's that time of the month." The husband gets up, looks at his wife, and says, "It's all good honey. I understand." He puts on a robe and walks away. The wife is somewhat surprised at the mature reaction of her husband, until a few minutes later he returns holding two glasses and a bottle of champagne. So she asks, "What's going on, dear?" "We're celebrating!" he replies. "Celebrating? What exactly are we celebrating?" she asks. "Anal sex week!"

Actual PORN ADS FOR HIRING PEOPLE: Copyright (c) John Torjo, 2006
1. You will suck at this job.
2. This job is a pain in the ass.
3. You don't have to be the boss to screw people around here.
4. You’ll work like a dog. In fact, you'll even have someone to lick your balls.
5. You're not an electrical device, but you'll always be plugged in.
6. We have the best specialists that will play your instrument.
7. To work here, you'll be required to bring your own tool.
8. This is not the dentist, but you will be required to open wide.
9. “Fuck that?” Ok, she's yours.
10. We don't use drugs, but you'll be required to sniff a lot of crack.
11. Come work for us. We'll visit Uranus.
12. The job that makes you sorry you have only two hands.
13. We have clear working hours. Don’t come too early!
14. What about "Personal Growth"? Well, there will be plenty of opportunities in our company. In fact, every time you get on stage.
15. In our work, you won't be spending the company's money in front of a computer, searching for porn.
16. Here, we only play Un-strip poker.
17. Wanna meet that hot hot blonde after work? What for?
18. Come screw with us!
19. The job where you don't want to advance to management.
20. No verbal skills needed. Only oral skills.
21. Don't screw up! Other than that, you can screw anything.
22. You'll be in deep shit.
23. “Bang-bang!” Do this sound, but not with your mouth.
24. No thinking required. But you will have to use your head.
25. The workplace where every day is Casual Friday.
26. Come to work. Leave from work. And in-between, you’ll be in-between.
27. Nokia stole "Connecting people" from us.
28. Be careful who you screw with. It's all on tape.
29. Once you’re in, just move around.
30. Our challenge: try sexual harassment here.
31. Work for us, if you like to ride.
32. We have the best toys ever. Playing with them is a real pleasure.
33. You want a secretary? What for?
34. Spitting is allowed only during breaks.
35. Don’t worry about “What should I wear?”
36. Best workplace ever. The later you come, the better.
37. No air conditioning, but you will be blown.
38. During working hours, there won’t be any unfilled cracks.
39. Finally, your coworkers will see you as a hole.
40. You get this job, you’re screwed.
41. Your prerequisites: a long tool or a flexible rear.
42. Wanna play? We’ve got lots of toys for you…
43. It’s so easy to work for us. You just have to come.
44. Be a fucking superstar!
45. Careful with words! "Fuck you" will be taken literally.
46. Even if you don't like guns, you'll have to shoot three times a day.
47. Know your colleagues inside-out.
48. Share your privates.
49. You don’t have to work your ass off. Others will.
50. We’ll use your hole potential.
51. Our toys touch you deep within.
52. Get your ass to work.
53. Work for us. We’ll pay you to come!
54. We’ll never leave you. We’ll be right behind you.
55. Where else, can you screw your boss, and get a raise?
56. The business where making money is hard work.
57. We’re waiting for you. It’s not over until you’ve come.
58. You need a course in resource management. You only have two hands and one tool. But sooo many possibilities…
59. After working here, you will never be constipated again.
60. Eat shit. Not just an expression.
61. In or out? It’s ok to change your mind. The faster, the better.

Why is a 25 year old homosexual male like a 90 year old heterosexual male? For each, sex is behind him.

As a farmer was milking his cow, a fly started circling his head and then flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the fly squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

Seen on a Bumper Sticker the other day: "I like to be a bitch so much that it pisses me off when my period ends."

Doctors are not touting one major side effect of the impotency drug Viagra: Men will be forced to make conversation for an hour before the pill kicks in.

Lawsuits filed by the overweight against those fast-food restaurants have a lot of lawyers interested. The obese are much easier to chase than ambulances.

Things You May Hear Just Before Unemployment:
I don't know what we'll do without you, but we are going to try!
We told everyone you are leaving because of illness. The truth is I'm sick of you.
Its not that you aren't a responsible worker. In fact, you've been responsible for more disasters than any one else in the place.
Today I'm going to mix business with pleasure. You're fired!
I've got good news for you. You won't have to worry about being late for work ever again.
Tell me - how long have you been with us not counting tomorrow?

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle along the way and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?" "You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything," barked Bin Laden. The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever." Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you!" The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance. God is good.

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the country. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job. The question was... A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name? After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers. The first from Vancouver, says "My answer is... there is no answer!" The second, from Toronto, says "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given." The third one from Newfoundland says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either..."Willie Turner or Willie Nailer." He got the job.

My wife and I live next door to her sister and her husband. We play Trivial Pursuit quite a bit.One night our question ( it is always guys against the girls) was, what artist retired to the South Pacific in his later years. We thought about it and thought about it and finally said Rembrandt. My sister in law who is the asker for her team said, Gauguin. My brother in law picked up the one dice in his hand and started to shake it. The two girls immediately jumped on him and said what are you doing? He looked at them and said, well you said go again.

In 1998 Burger King published a full page advertisement in USA Today announcing the introduction of a new item to their menu: a "Left-Handed Whopper" specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers. The following day Burger King issued a follow-up release revealing that although the Left-Handed Whopper was a hoax, thousands of customers had gone into restaurants to request the new sandwich. Simultaneously, according to the press release, "many others requested their own 'right handed' version."