Friday Funnies July 21 06

"In a speech yesterday, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he 'supports lessening our dependence on foreign oil.' Unfortunately, it came out sounding more like, 'I support lesbian independence for all.'" --Conan O'Brien

"You're asking yourself where's President Bush? I'll tell you where he is. He's in Europe preparing for the G8 Summit and he's very excited. He thinks it's a conference on vegetable juice" --David Letterman

"That's the big story -- President Bush being recorded using a four-letter word at the G-8 Summit in Russia. At first everyone thought he had mispronounced the word 'Shiite.'" --Jay Leno

"According to a new poll, 65% of those asked said it is sometimes okay to lie ... especially if you're giving the eulogy at Ken Lay's funeral. ... At Ken Lay's funeral yesterday, the minister compared him to Martin Luther King, Jr. The difference is Dr. King had a dream, Ken Lay had a scheme." -Jay Leno

Scientists say now that they are very close to developing chocolate that won't melt. It's a chocolate you can eat in hot climates. Apparently we're holding off on that cure for cancer. Let's get this chocolate breakthrough first. - Jay Leno

A study says that obesity and smoking raises the risk of impotence. Does it matter? Who wants to have sex with a fat wheezer? - Jim Barach

"A wag of the finger for the state of Arizona. According to the Arizona Republic, the state is considering a new voting initiative that would 'use unclaimed Arizona Lottery prize money to provide a $1 million reward to one randomly selected voter after each general election.' First of all, if you're going to play the lottery, you shouldn't even bother until it hits at least $150 million. What am I supposed to do with $1 million? But more importantly, enticing people to register by bribing them attracts the wrong kind of voter -- the poor kind. If you want to get the right people at the polls, offer one lucky voter a capital gains tax cut." --Stephen Colbert

A former mobster from Philadelphia said there was a plan to kill Geraldo Rivera. Unfortunately, it was foiled. Nobody was able to sneak up behind Geraldo because he's always looking in the mirror.

"Rock Star Ted Nugent was being interviewed by a British journalist on deer hunting. The journalist asked, "What do you think the last thought is in the head of a deer before you shoot it? Is it, `Are you my friend?` or is it `Are you the one who killed my brother?'" Nugent replied, "They aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French in that way.

"Today’s high cost of living doesn't seem to have affected its popularity any.A father entered his daughter's bedroom and saw a letter on the bed. With the worst premonition, he read it with trembling hands:Dear Mum and Dad,It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found real love and he is So nice. Especially with all his piercing, scars, tattoos, and his big Motorcycle. But it's not only that, I'm pregnant, and Ahmed said that we Will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many More children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends. They're the ones providing us with all the Cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want. In the meantime, we'll pray for Science to find the AIDS cure, so Ahmed gets better. He deserves it. Don't worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that His friends Leroy and Jamal make in their basement. Apparently I can Earn £50 a scene. I get a £50 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene and an extra £100 if they use the horse. Don't worry Mum. Now I'm 15 years old, I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren.Your loving daughter, Aimee
PS: Dad, it's not true. I'm watching TV at a neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than ENGLAND GETTING BEAT ON FUCKING PENALTIES AGAIN.

The loneliness of a middle-aged man and woman - both divorcees, eventually blossomed into love and finally marriage, but the wedding night turned into a real disaster. "You just do not fulfil my sexual expectations," the bride commented the following morning. You're right about that." replied the new husband. "But when I promised to fill the void in your life, I simply had no idea that it would be so large!"

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!" He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before. When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?" His wife said, "No, no. I'll be OK once I get the doorknob out of my ass."

Limericks are silly and lewd,
And sometimes, incredibly crude,
So, if you're uptight,
Be advised that you might,
Be offended if you are a prude.

There was an old pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.

An Argentinian gaucho named Bruno
Said there is one thing I do know.
That a woman is fine
A sheep is divine
But the llama is numero uno.

Two women traveling cross country stopped at a truck stop to get something to eat. They saw the menu on the wall and listed on top was an item called "The Lonely Trucker's Wife Special Pizza". They were intrigued and asked the counterman what that "Special Pizza" was. He replied, "Well, it's just like our regular pizza, but we don’t slice the pepperoni".

The blind daters had really hit it off and, at the end of the evening as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?" "As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot fetish. But I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."

Oldie Goldie:
Margaret got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped.....did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Angus who came running in. "Angus, I've slipped and fucking suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Shite", said Angus, and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the street and get Willie." They came back and they both tried to pull her up."No way, we can't do it" Willie says....."Let's try Plan B." "Plan B" exclaimed Angus. "What's that?" I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her." replied Willie. "Right on" Angus said. "While you're doing that, I"ll stay here and play with her nipples." "Play with her nipples?" Willie says. "Not exactly a good time for that is it?" "No," Angus replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive.

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theatre yelled, "How'd you do that?" "I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you." After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then... just tell my wife!"

A mother and her very young son were flying Westjet Airlines from Ottawa to Calgary. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant. The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes, she did." Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Westjet always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you!

SAFETY TIP -- HOME INVASION (not a joke this time):
Put your car keys beside your bed at night. If you hear a noise outside your home or someone trying to get in your house, just press the panic button for your car. The alarm will be set off, and the horn will continue to sound until either you turn it off or the car battery dies.A young bride and her husband were about to consummate their marriage. The groom asked, "Darling, am I the first?" The bride responded, "Why does everybody ask me that question?"

A pregnant woman with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you..." To which the doctor replies "I know... I know..." placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

Approaching the counter at a local U.S. post office, a chap said to the stern-faced woman on the other side, "Are you the Postmistress?" "No!" she replied testily, "I'm the Postmaster - Uncle Sam doesn't pay me enough to be anyone's mistress."

My mother-in-law is not known for her driving skills. So it came as no surprise when she was in another accident a couple of months back. She came out of a side street and ran slam-bang into the town doctor's car. "Oh Doc!" she exclaimed, "I'm so awfully sorry!" "That's perfectly all right," he said, "It was all my fault." "I don't know how you can say that. I'm sure it was entirely my fault." "No, no, ma'am it was my fault. I'll take the entire blame." "But why is it your fault? I ran into you, didn't I?" "Yes, you did. But I saw you driving downtown half an hour ago, and I had plenty of time to take my car home and put it in the garage, but like a damn fool, I didn't do it!"

Yetta the Yenta said: "Stop asking me for more details. I already told you more than I heard."

Irving Cohen, out of money and desperate, tried his first bank robbery. Pointing a toy gun at a teller, Irving said, " Give me all your money or you'll be GEOGRAPHY !! "The teller laughed and said, " You mean to say HISTORY." Nervous Irving shouted back, ... " So give the money already, and don't change the subject !"

Recall Notice:
Regardless of make or year, all units known as "human beings" are being recalled by the Manufacturer. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named "Adam" and "Eve" resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect is technically termed, "Serious Internal Non-morality," but more commonly known as "SIN."Some of the symptoms of the SIN defect:
[a] Loss of direction
[b] Lack of peace and joy
[c] Depression
[d] Foul vocal emissions
[e] Selfishness
[f] Ingratitude
[g] Fearfulness
[h] Rebellion
[i] Jealousy
The Manufacturer is providing factory authorized repair service free of charge to correct the SIN defect.The Repair Technician, God, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs.To repeat, there is no fee required.The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.Once connected please upload the burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, God, into the heart component of the human unit. No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, God will replace it with:
[a] Love
[b] Joy
[c] Peace
[d] Kindness
[e] Goodness
[f] Faithfulness
[g] Gentleness
[h] Patience
[I]Self-control
Please see the operating manual, TORAH, for further details on the use of these fixes. As an added upgrade, the Manufacturer has made available to all repaired units a facility enabling direct monitoring and assistance from the resident Maintenance Technician, God. Repaired units need only make Him welcome and He will take up residence on the premises.
WARNING: Continuing to operate a human being unit without corrections voids the Manufacturer's warranty, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list, and will ultimately result in the human unit being incinerated. Thank you for your immediate attention. Please assist by notifying others of this important recall notice.