Friday Funnies June 9 06

"At the national portrait gallery in Washington, D.C. new portraits were unveiled of former President Clinton and First Lady Hillary Clinton. The Smithsonian said that the portraits of Bill and Hillary will not hang in the same room. Boy, talk about art reflecting life." --Jay Leno

"I'm surprised they did a portrait of Hillary. I thought maybe an ice sculpture would have been more appropriate." --Jay Leno

"A New Jersey company has developed an inhaler they say increases sex drive in women. They say it stimulates the brain to make you want to have sex with your partner. It's an inhaler. You know what the means? One day on the campaign trail, Hillary may be able to claim she never inhaled either." --Jay Leno

Last December David Letterman said, "It's true, everybody is in the holiday spirit. Last night, Bill Clinton saw the 'Nutcracker.' Not the ballet, Hillary."

This week was the 46th anniversary of the birth control pill. For those of you women that forgot to take it? Happy Mother's Day! -Jay Leno

A Nebraska judge is under fire for giving a sex offender probation instead of prison because he is short, and would be subject to attacks by other prisoners. From now on, all prisons must have a sign in front saying "You must be this tall to be an inmate" - Jim Barach

"According to a recent survey, a large number of men do not wash their hands before leaving the restroom. The survey-taker said he stood in the restroom for a week, observing men going in and out. 40% of the men wash their hands, 40% of the men did not wash their hands, and 20% of the men punched the guy in the face for watching them go to the restroom." - Jay Leno

The Vatican has released confirmation that the Pope has contracted the bird flu. Apparently he must have contracted it from one of his Cardinals.

Well Brad and Angelina after much thought have named their new baby Shiloh Pitt. I don’t think they gave it enough thought though. As a devotee of Spoonerisms my first thought was to spoonerize her name (you know, switch the initial sounds in two words like ‘twin sister’ becomes ‘sin twister’. Try it and you’ll see why this kid’s in for a lot of trouble in the schoolyard!

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

The best computer is a man, and it's the only one that can be mass produced by unskilled labour.

You know you’re in a tough town when……
Hotels ask your name, address and next of kin to register.
The ice-cream trucks play"taps."
Local gun shops have "Back to School" sales.
The high school newspapers have obituary columns.
Restaurants serve broken leg of lamb.
At the bowling alleys most people bowl overhand.
Schools require a sick note co-signed by a parole officer.
Christmas pageants feature the three Wise Guys.
Advice columns have hints like how to get blood off of a chain saw.
The 911 emergency service has a two day waiting list.
"Honour students" practice saying,"Yes / No, your honour".
Mothers give their kids $5 every day for the holdup man.
The Girl Scouts sell nookie door to door.
Forgery 101 and Advanced Counterfeiting are required subjects.

Paul McCartney poem-:
We lay upon the grassy bank,
my hands were all a quiver,
I slowly undid her suspender belt
and her leg fell in the river.

My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex with his patients, it's a real shame cause he's a really good vet.

Paddy the Newfie had been stranded on the deserted island for two years. Then one afternoon a lifeboat drifted close enough for him to swim to it and drag it on the beach, where he promptly knocked it to bits and made a raft.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?". "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my gator."

Police in Turkey have arrested a 30-year-old shop assistant After he was found lying naked with a mannequin in a store window. "We found several bite marks on other mannequins as well," An officer told the BBC. "The suspect said he had gotten somewhat confused after Purchasing a book called 'Making Love for Dummies.'"

My son asked me what I did during the Sexual Revolution. I told him I was captured early and spent the duration doing the dishes.

Nine Answers Men Would Like to Give to Woman's Questions....But Never Will
1. No we can't be friends; I just want you for sex.
2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all that f**king ice cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.
3. You've got no chance of me calling you.
4. No, I won't be gentle.
5. Of course you have to swallow.
6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.
7. I hate your friends.
8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.
9. I'd rather watch a porno.

50% of men said they'd cheat on their wife with her best friend if they were guaranteed they wouldn't get caught. The other 50% said they wish their wives had better looking friends!

I found junk e-mail this morning that said in big letters, "Satisfy the girl with a bigger dick!" What’s the matter with these people? Hell, I wouldn't be caught dead with a girl with a dick -- especially if it's bigger than mine!

We'un's are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South and we challenge any so-called "smart" Yankee (or Canuck) to take this Redneck college entrance exam:
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane
(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.
3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser's will be drunk before the trees are cut down?
5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed?
6. A man owns a house in Alabama and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?
7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
8. With a gene pool reduction of 75% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a Country-western singer?

I bet'cha thought that there test was gonna be an easy one, didn't ya? Its okay if'n ya didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya.... There's a hole heap of things that big city book-learning don't prepare ya fer in this life.As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK CHALLENGE", here's some southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece....

Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them. SMART, HUH? Bet ya never thought of that!

Oldie Goldie
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to..." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really ?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.""Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London." "Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. "She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh... equipment ?" "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod?" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now. "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!"

There was a major thunderstorm in Saint Louis, Mo and one of the big vats at the Anheuser-Busch Brewery was struck by lightning. They sent several inspectors to assess the damage but found the vat unharmed. When the beer was aged and ready for testing, the brew master found an unexpectedly fine flavour, the most delicious beer the company had ever produced. He immediately wrote the president of the company reporting that it was his belief that this was the first case on record of a storm actually brewing.

A Womans Ten Sex Commandments:
1. The size doesn't count. Battery voltage does.
2. "Including the balls" is the only solution to the ultimate question: "How the fuck did he measure 8.2 inches?"
3. You woke up naked in a strange apartment, next to an empty vodka bottle and a web-cam? Hooray! Finally you will get some results when you google your name.
4. We are not claiming that it's worth the effort, but you should know that fat guys try harder.
5. No, "Take out the garbage" doesn't count as "dirty talking".
6. It is cool to perform in diverse positions, but if god would have wanted you that way He would have created you as a paper clip.

7. If he insists on cumming on your face, goggles are a legitimate demand.
8. We have no problem with "doggy," but what has "style" got to do with it?
9. Your boyfriend bought a red Speedo and started to grow a mustache? We hope that you are a friendly person, since you're going to an orgy.
10. When you’re waiting for him in his T-shirt, it’s cute. But when he’s waiting for you in your T-shirt, it’s time to start worrying.

Three Jewish men came to America on the same ship from Europe in the early 1920's agreed, as they were going their separate ways, to meet up again thirty years later to see how they had fared in their new country. Thirty years later to the day all three men showed up at the now-dilapidated port. The first one, Sam Goldstein said, "Ven I came to America, I vasn't sure vat I vas going to do, so I looked at my name, and I saw 'Gold'. So I invested in gold, and boy did I make a fortune!" The second one, Herbert Silverstein said, "Ven I came to America, I too vasn’t sure vat I vould do, like Sammy, I looked at my name, but I didn't see Gold, I saw 'Silver', so I invested in silver, and boy did I make it big!" The first two then looked at the third man and said, "Nu Schneider, vat about you? Vat did you do ven you came to America?" Schneider replied, "In Europe, I vas a tailor, and I vas a very, very good one. After three days open in Manhattan and no business coming, I turned to God and I said 'God, if you make me successful, I will make you a partner with me.'" The first two looked at the third and said, "So, vat happened?" Schneider responded, "You never heard of Lord & Tailor?"