Friday Funnies August 18 06

"This is the latest: While on vacation, President Bush, I guess this was in the paper today, reportedly is reading a book about Abraham Lincoln or as President Bush calls him: the guy from the pennies." --Conan O'Brien

"Apparently the Dixie Chicks had to cancel 14 shows on their tour, because of slow ticket sales. There's some concern they're losing their fan base. How ironic is that? They finally have something in common with President Bush." --Jay Leno

"British authorities said they were able to detect the terrorist plot using a surveillance program that the New York Times hadn't got around to exposing yet." --Jay Leno

"Remember the good old days when the only bomb you had to worry about on a plane was the Rob Schneider movie?" --Jay Leno

"Did you have trouble at the airport this week? I had to throw away all my make-up. They said it's because of this terrorist plot they foiled over in England. I believe it's an elaborate ruse perpetrated by the big cosmetics industry. Maybe it's not terrorism. Maybe it's Maybelline." --Jimmy Kimmel

"How are you folks doing with the new travel regulations? At the airlines, you have to show up six days in advance. You have to get on the plane naked -- not allowed to bring anything. Well, you are not alone. Everybody is affected by the travel rules. As a matter of fact, President Clinton went on a trip a couple of days ago, and had to check his overnight bag. I believe her name was Rhonda." --David Letterman

Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney lost her Democratic primary in Georgia Tuesday in a landslide. She denounced Israel and later slugged a cop who detained her. She may have lost her congressional seat but Mel Gibson has found his leading lady. - Argus Hamilton

A woman who has been blind for 26 years got her sight back after suffering a heart attack. Unfortunately, after she was able to see her doctor bill she had several more heart attacks.

If people weren't meant to have midnight snacks, then why do they put a light in the refrigerator?

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

What's the difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes? If you tell the truth about your taxes, the IRS will still want to screw you.

Then there was the nymphomaniac who became an impersonator... she did everybody!

A man was using marijuana medicinally for constipation. His doctor told him to "Shit or get off the pot!"

Unfortunately the only mark I’ve made in life is in my underwear.

The Census Bureau said Wednesday the birth rate in the United States reached an all-time low this past year. It's another side effect of Viagra.

More women are running off with older men who have higher bank balances and lower sperm counts.

A middle-aged friend opined, ”God help me, I've entered the Age of Skirted Swimwear. This is the age right after Accessorizing with Reading Glasses and a few years before Can't Name Anyone on the Radio.”

A woman was in her back garden tending to her flowers when she was overcome with the need to pee. So she did and wiped off the dew on a rose. Coming along later, her husband picked the rose, sniffed it, then ran to phone the local newspaper editor. "I found a rose that smells like a woman's pussy!" "That's nothing." the hardened editor said, "When you find a pussy that smells like a rose, call me again."

There was a young lady from France.
Who decided she'd just take a chance.
So she let herself go,
For an hour or so,
And now all her sisters are aunts.

A kinky young girl from Bordeaux,
Fell in love with a dashing young beau.
To increase his regard,
She would squat in his yard,
And pee "I Love You" in the snow.

A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he's in need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station, "Fill it up, will you?". The man says "Sorry - we're right out of petrol." So the man considers, and says "Well, I'm a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up?" And the attendant responds "Sorry, but no oil either." The man thinks, and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen, to which he gets the by-now predictable response that he can't do that. The man at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant, "Just what kind of petrol station is this ?" The attendant then looks both ways, and very carefully whispers to the man "To tell you the truth, this is just an IRA front." The man then says "Well, in that case, you can blow up the tires!"

TAE A FERT (A send up of Burns’ ‘Address To A Haggis’ in the form of an ode to a fart)
Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie
Just as ye sit doon amang yer kin
There sterts to stir an enormous wind.
The neeps and tatties and mushy peas
Stert working like a gentle breeze
But soon the puddin wi sonsie face
Will have ye blawin’ aw ower the place.
Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
Awbody’s gonnae have tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle,
It’s like a bullet oot a rifle.
Haud yer bum ticht tae the chair
Tae try and stop the leakin air
Shift yerself frae cheek tae cheek
Pray tae God it disnae reek
But aw yer efforts gae asunder
Oot it comes like a clap o’ thunder
Ricochets aroon the room
Michty me, a sonic boom!
God almighty it fairly reeks;
Hope I havnae shit ma breeks
Tae the bog I’d better scurry
Aw whit the hell, its nae me worry
Awbody roon aboot me chokin’,
Wan or two are nearly bokin’
I feel much better for awhile
Cannae help but raise a smile
“Wis him!” I shout wi accusing glower,
Alas, too late, he’s just keeled ower.
“Ye dirty bugger!” they shout and stare,
I dinnae feel welcome any mair.
Where ere ye go let yer wind gan free
Sounds like just the job fur me.
Whit a fuss at Rabbie’s perty
Ower the sake o’ wan wee ferty.

Did you hear about the doctor who got lost skiing and perished on the slopes? Apparently he tried stamping “HELP!” into the snow, but nobody could read his writing.

Snow White bought a new camera and took some great shots of all the dwarves, the cottage and the woods. She took the film in for developing and returned a few days later to pick them up. When she was told the pictures still weren’t ready, the poor girl started to cry. The technician tried his best to console her telling her, “There, there, my dear. Someday your prints will come!”

Apparently the Italian government has decided to install a large clock in the Tower of Pisa. After all, what good is the inclination if you don’t have the time.

Oldie Goldie - A Woody Allen Monologue from the 1960s
"Here's a story you're not going to believe. I shot a moose once. I was hunting in upstate New York, and I shot a moose. And I strap him onto the fender of my car, and I'm driving along the West Side Highway. But what I didn't realize was that the bullet did not penetrate the moose. It just creased his scalp, knocking him unconscious. And I'm driving through the Holland Tunnel and the moose wakes up. So I'm driving with a live moose on my fender and the moose is signaling for a turn. And there's a law in New York State against driving with a conscious moose on your fender, Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. And I'm very panicky. And then it hits me—some friends of mine are having a costume party. I'll go. I'll take the moose. I'll ditch him at the party. It won't be my responsibility. So I drive up to the party and I knock on the door, and the moose is next to me. My host comes to the door. I say, 'Hello, you know the Solomons.' We enter. The moose mingles. Did very well. Scored. Some guy was trying to sell him insurance for an hour and a half. Twelve o'clock comes, they give out prizes for the best costume of the night. First prize goes to the Berkowitzes, a married couple dressed as a moose. The moose comes in second. The moose is furious. He and the Berkowitzes lock antlers in the living room. They knock each other unconscious. Now, I figure, here's my chance. I grab the moose, strap him on my fender, and shoot back to the woods. But I've got the Berkowitzes. So I'm driving along with two Jewish people on my fender. And there's a law in New York State, Tuesday, Thursday, and especially Saturday.... The following morning, the Berkowitzes wake up in the woods in a moose suit. Mr. Berkowitz is shot, stuffed, and mounted at the New York Athletic Club. And the joke is on them, 'cause it's restricted."

A guest on Groucho Marx's "You Bet Your Life" television show was a woman who had given birth to twenty-two children. "I love my husband," the woman explained sheepishly. "I love my cigar too," Groucho said, "but I take it out once in a while."

Jewish Mothers only offer advice twice, when you want it and when you don't.

And some of you doubt the existence of God:
Breast implants saves woman after Hezbollah attack - Aug 15, 2006
One Israeli woman has received an unexpected boost from her breast implants during the Lebanon war -- the silicone embeds saved her life during a Hezbollah rocket attack, a doctor said. "This is an extraordinary case, but it's a fact that the silicone implants prevented her from a more serious and deeper wound," Jacky Govrin, of the hospital in Nahariya that treated the woman, told army radio Tuesday. "The young woman went through surgery two years ago to have a larger chest," he said. "During the war she was wounded in the chest by shrapnel" that got stuck in the implants instead of penetrating further. The woman did not emerge from her ordeal completely unscathed, however. "The shrapnel was removed but the implant had to be replaced," Govrin said.