Friday Funnies April 7 06

We turned the clocks ahead an hour this weekend at 2:00am Sunday morning. Who wakes up at 2:00 in the morning to do that? I don't think it's fair, them telling us when to turn the clocks ahead. They should let us each pick which hour we want to lose. Wouldn't that be great? You're are over at your mother-in-law's and then you move your watch ahead an hour. 'Hey, look at the time! Where did the time go?! We got to be going!' - Jay Leno

Both Jack Abramoff and Monica Lewinsky went to Beverly Hills High School. Ironically, they both went on to embarrass presidents with scandals about the same thing: getting something under the table. - Jay Leno

(Or as Clinton quipped to Dick Cheney, “I don’t know what you’re so all upset about. When I shot someone in the face they tried to impeach me!”)

According to the New York Post, three angry women in New York are suing a prominent New York City plastic surgeon alleging he gave them bigger breast implants than they wanted. So far, 50,000 guys have volunteered for jury duty. - Jay Leno

According to statistics, one in 580 men can expect to die while having sex. C'mon! Most men HOPE to die that way!

Bananas contain a natural chemical (the same one found in Prozac) which can make a person happy. No wonder the monkeys at the zoo seem to have such a good time!

The friskiest guy in the old age home? – the guy with the Viagra I. V.!

A baby seal walked in to a club ....

I went to a zoo but all it had was a dog. It was a Shitzu.

A man is playing the piano softly one night in a downtown bar. In walks an elephant who goes over to the pianist, and suddenly starts to cry. "There, there", says the pianist "Do you recognize the song?" "No, no," says the elephant "I recognize the keys."

I started using this shampoo that gives extra body. Maybe it's me but I think my shower is getting smaller.

Every time you lend money to a friend, you damage his memory.

When you're rich, it's "eccentric"; when you're poor, it's just downright strange.

What an automated society we live in: Have you ever noticed that when a traffic signal turns green, it automatically activates the horn of the car behind you?

As a result of advances in Optical Character Recognition (OCR) technology now being used by the banks for cheque imaging and clearing, we Canadians are being forced to go to decimal dates on our business cheques as of December 31, 2006. Once again the old issue of whether the English system of Day/Month/Year or the American system of Month/Day/Year should be used is rearing its ugly head. There is no standard, it seems, in Canada. The Canadian banks seem to be going with D/M/Y while retailers and service industries seem to be split on the issue. If only it were as simple as the American owned firms using M/D/Y and the English or Canadian firms using D/M/Y. I’ve seen the date system on receipts from the same gas retailer differ by location and restaurants and stores seem to use either system willy nilly. People are so confused that now they can’t even get the month and year correct. Two of my credit card payments have been declined in the last few months because the person reporting the expiry date which was marked on the card “Month/Year 09/07” (i.e. September 2007) reported it as July 2009 which did not agree with the card.While I’m used to D/M/Y, I’d settle for anything just to have consistency. It makes sense to have only one system worldwide. I bring this up because of the trivia item gleaned from an American source this week:
“On Wednesday, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06. That won't ever happen again.”Of course it won’t ever happen again unless you’re not American. For Brits and Canucks and God-knows-who-else it will happen again next month on May the 4th, 01:02:03 04/05/06. May the fourth be with you!

The dentist told his very wealthy patient, that he needed a tooth removed right away. The doctor asked, "Do you want a local anesthetic?" The man replied, "Money is no object, doctor. Give me the best -- use imported."

Nobody can be just like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

Long cognizant of the criticism that it is stodgy and outdated, the British monarchy is slowly taking steps to try to change its image. As a part of this new strategy, next year's appointees to the Knighthood can look forward to a much different ceremony. To keep up with the times, the much heralded event will take place at the curb outside Westminster Abbey as a drive-through ceremony. It is expected to be a first for a Royal in-car Sir-ation!

Young Catholic Man’s Prayer:Dear Blessed Virgin, If I am to believe that you conceived without sinning, please help me to sin without conceiving!

"I think we should go Dutch," the nurse said to the doctor in the dimly lit restaurant. "You pay for dinner and the movie, and the rest of your night can be on me."

There was a young man went to the doctor and said he wanted to get married but he was worried about the small size of his member. The doctor advised him to go and stay on a farm, dip his wick in milk several times a day, and have it sucked by a calf. Some months later when they met in the street, the doctor said, "How's your marriage?" "Oh, I decided not to get married doctor, I bought the calf."

A fellow tees off and slices terribly. He sees the ball fly past a stand of trees and then hears a shriek. He runs over and finds a woman knocked out cold. The man runs back to the clubhouse and shouts, "Is there a doctor here?" "I'm a doctor," another man says, rising. "What's the trouble?" "I just hit a woman out there with a golf ball, and she's unconscious!" "Well, where did you hit her?" the doctor asks. "Between the first and second holes." "Oh, my," the doctor says, shaking his head. "That doesn't leave much room for stitches!"

What's indecent......?? If it's hard enough, long enough, and in far enough, it's indecent!

She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast. He walks in and asks "What's for breakfast?" She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment". He, thinking it's his lucky day, stands her over the kitchen table and they have sex. Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?" She says "The egg timer's broken!"

Oldie Goldie:It takes an Italian man to make a lady feel like a woman.... On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One lady in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane..... If I am to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous - tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt... one button at a time...No one moves... He removes his shirt... Muscles ripple across his chest .. She gasps......He whispers, "Iron this, and get me something to eat.

A woman was determined to get her newly retired husband some attractive leisure clothes. She went into a men's clothing store and told the salesgirl, "I'm looking for something youthful, something wild in a men's pair of slacks." "Oh," sighed the salesgirl. "Aren't we all?"

Jesus vs. Elvis- Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39) Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956)- Jesus is the Lord's shepherd. Elvis dated Cybil Shepherd.- Jesus is part of the Trinity. Elvis' first band was a trio.- Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25) Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)- Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members. Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.- Jesus was resurrected. Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.- Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37 Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)- Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights. Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for breakfast.)- Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25) Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8)- Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. (The Gospel According to Matthew) Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden Tribute)- "Jesus countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow." (Matthew 28:3) Elvis wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts.- Jesus lived in a state of grace in a near eastern land. Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.- Mary, an important woman in Jesus' life, had an immaculate conception. Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life, went to Immaculate Conception High School.- Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God. Elvis first recorded with Sun studios, which today are still considered to be his foremost recordings.- Jesus was the Lamb of God. Elvis had mutton chop sideburns.- Jesus' Father is everywhere. Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.- Jesus was a carpenter. Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop.- Jesus wore a crown of thorns. Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.- Jesus is often depicted in pictures with a halo that looks like a gold plate. Elvis' face is often depicted on a plate with gold trim and sold through TV.- Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone." Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.

A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is dark red. He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and sees that there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too. "Oh no!!" he says, "I think I've been marooned!!"

I was trying to figure out which is worse, ignorance or apathy but then I came to the conclusion that I don’t know and I don’t care.

After shopping at a busy store, another middle-aged man and I happened to leave at the same time, only to be faced with the daunting task of finding our cars in the crowded parking lot. Just then my car horn beeped, and I was able to locate my vehicle easily. Wow," the man said. "I sure could use a gadget like that to help me find my car." "Actually," I replied, "that's my wife."