Friday Funnies December 8 06

"Now three schools are in the running for the George Bush presidential library. I understand the losing school will get it." --Jay Leno

"In New York City, Hillary Clinton spoke to the faithful. The faithful, so apparently, Bill Clinton was not there." --Jay Leno

“Problems for Mitt Romney. The main part of his campaign has been attacking illegal immigration. Well, it turns out his lawn is being taken care of and landscaped by illegal immigrants. Not only is he in trouble politically, but Wal-Mart is now accusing him of taking their employees.” --Jay Leno

"The federal government has a new citizenship test. They said the old test for immigrants is too outdated. Apparently, it was in English." --Jay Leno

"This year the White House Christmas decorations include a 10-foot-tall nutcracker. Experts say this is the biggest nutcracker at the White House since Hillary Clinton." --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, President Bush met with the head of one of Iraq's Shiite political parties. However, there was an awkward moment when Bush asked him, 'Are you the Shiite head?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Poor John Kerry. They had a poll testing the likeability of Democrats candidates, and John Kerry finished dead last. Guys like this take this stuff seriously. He was very upset. He's been walking around all day with a long face." --David Letterman

George Herbert W. Bush to George W," Son, you're making the same mistake in Iraq that I made with your mother. I didn't pull out in time..."

Then there was the frog who checked the obits every morning, just to see who croaked.

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish = 49
Adventurous = Slept with everyone
Athletic = Flat-chested
Average looking = Ugly
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Contagious Smile = Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure = On medication
Feminist = Fat
Free spirit = Junkie
Friendship first = Former very *friendly* person
Fun = Annoying
New Age = Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded = Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate = Sloppy when drunk
Professional = Bitch
A Few Extra Pounds = Very Fat
Large frame = Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate = Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

Least Romantic Sayings
"You're The Cheez Wiz on my Potato."
"Being without you is like a biscuit without gravy."
"I need you like someone with the squirts needs Pepto Bismol."
"You make me so excited, I just can't hold my bladder."
"I wanna be close to you like a leech on an abrasion."
"I want you like a dog wants a muscular leg."
"You mean more to me than a Buy one, Get one Free Coupon at Waffle House."
"I want you more than a Romulan wants to kill a Klingon."
"I want you more than the nastiest heroin addict needs a fix from a dirty needle."
"Its either you or the dog but I gotta sleep with someone tonight!"

Mistakes from New English Language Students
Recipes: Next, chop all the vegetarians into little pieces.
Health: It is dangerous to smoke while you are becoming pregnant.
Sports: It was so exciting to watch! The cheerleaders threw up high into the air.
Politics: The President got off the plane and gave a big kiss to the first ladder.
Grammar: Should I have a coma in the middle of this sentence?
Music: When he was through singing he had a standing ovulation.
Food: Do you like this food? I made it from scratching!
Parents: My bed has three blankets and a large guilt my parents gave me.
Weather: Rain makes old cars lust. So be careful about that. Once a car starts lusting, there's no way to stop it!
Travel: You can't sleep with me because it is too crowded. But you can probably sleep with my sister. That's what most of my friends do when they visit.

Oldie Goldie - or Becky or Sarah or Minnie...
The children and grandchildren of an elderly Jewish woman decided to send Bubbe on a cruise. Bubbe boarded the ship and showed her ticket to the purser. He looked at it and said, "Oh, I see you have U.D." She replied, "U.D.? Voos is U.D.? He said, "U.D. is Upper Deck." She then went to the upper deck and showed her ticket to the purser there and he said, "I see, that in addition to U.D., you also have O.C." Bubbe replied, "O.C.? Voos is O.C.?" The purser said, "O.C. isoutside Cabin." Bubbe, needless to say, was delighted. She then showed her ticket to the cabin boy and he said, "Oh, I see that you also have B.I.B." "B.I.B.? Voos is B.I.B.?" asked Bubbe. The cabin boy answered, "B.I.B. is Breakfast In Bed." "Oh" she said; "Mine children and grandchildren are vonderful." Well, the next morning, bright and early, the staff came right into her room with trays of food for her breakfast in bed and she exclaimed, "F.U.C.K"! Shocked, they said, "F.U.C.K? What do you mean F.U.C.K.?" To which she replied, "Yes, F.U.C.K. .... First U Could Knock!"

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole, which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water, at the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do. After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house." The old woman smiled,"Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?" "That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."
Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them. SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!