Friday Funnies September 29 06

"The president of Venezuela said maybe we need to move the U.N. out of the United States. Afterwards, a confused President Bush said, 'But then it would just be the ited States'." --Conan O'Brien

"According to the latest polls in California, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is favored to win a second term. Or as Arnold calls it, 'The Sequel.'." --Conan O'Brien

"There's a report right now out of France that Osama bin Laden is either dead or dying of dysentery caused by E. coli. That's right, we tried tanks and bombs and guns, but all it took was spinach." --Conan O'Brien

"Reverend Jerry Falwell has caused yet another controversy when he compared Hillary Clinton to the 'devil.' Today he said he didn't mean anything bad by it. He was just quoting a 14th century Byzantine emperor." --Jay Leno

According to a new book called "Men, Love and Sex," 50% of women want their men to take control in bed. The other 50% want their men to put down the remote control in bed. - Jay Leno

Have you seen these commercials for Whitman's new Weight Watcher's chocolates? They are chocolates for people trying to lose weight. Chocolates for people trying to lose weight? Didn't those used to be called laxatives? Aren't they just Ex-Lax? - Jay Leno

"Radical Muslims are still angry at the Pope. They say the Pope insulted a whole people and their religion. Then they went back to calling for the destruction of Israel and killing everyone." --Jay Leno

"The Vatican has increased protection around the Pope. How ironic is that -- A Catholic using protection?" --Jay Leno

According to a survey by IKEA, 1 out of 5 people have had sexual encounters in their kitchen -- usually on the countertop. That's pretty dangerous. If you're not careful, you could wind up with salmonella AND Chlamydia. - Jay Leno

"It's the Jewish New Year today…At midnight from Time's Square, they're going to drop Mel Gibson." --David Letterman

Here’s the solution to two of the biggest problems in the USA, high gasoline prices and illegal immigration. Hire illegal aliens to push your car and pay them in pesos so they have to return home to spend it!

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?

What do you call a non-churchgoer? A Seventh-Day Absentist.

The following is Willie Nelson's public statement regarding being caught with a bag of Marijuana earlier this week: "It's a good thing I had a bag of marijuana instead of spinach. I'd be dead by now."

A woman at a friends wedding ended up dancing with her friend's father who was pretty drunk. As they were dancing she asked, "So, are you enjoying yourself Richard?" He said, "I prefer Dick." She replied, "Well so do I, but what does that have to do with anything?"

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your form of misery.

Infancy, n.: The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward. -- Ambrose Bierce

A horse may be coaxed to drink, but a pencil must be lead. -Stan Laurel

Earthquake Wisdom: When you find a fault, don't dwell on it.

I live like a river flows,
Carried forward by the surprise
Of its own unfolding.

Today's Stock Market Report.
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

4 new bonds are being issued:
* Lewinsky bond: Has no maturity
* Gore bond: Has no interest
* Clinton bond: Has no principle.
* Bush bond: Is bullish

How can you possibly not love the Irish? These were actual "Personal Ads" in the Dublin News:

Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and has been known to start fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.

Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime fiancee, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.

Ginger haired Galway man, a troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shitty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.

Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.

Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.

Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed super model, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.

What we learn through the years:
I learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night." Age 5
I learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either. Age 7
I learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9
I learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again. Age 12
I learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 14
I learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15
I learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24
I learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. Age 26
I learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there. Age29
I learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 30
I learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. Age 42
I learned that you can make some one's day by simply sending them a little note. Age 44
I learned that the greater a persons sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others. Age 46
I learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 47
I learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. Age 48
I learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49
I learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50
I learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 51
I learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills. Age 52
I learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53
I learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58
I learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage. Age 61
I learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62
I learned that you shouldn't go through life with catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. Age 64
I learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65
I learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66
I learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72
I learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Age 82
I learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch, holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 90
I learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92

A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop, rather intimidated, but the salesgirls took charge to help him. "What color?" they asked. He settled for white. "How much does it cost?" he asked. "Twenty-four dollars." "Expensive, but ok," he thought. All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea. "Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?" "No," he said, "nothing like that." "Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles." He thought long and hard and then looked up and said, "Have you ever seen a Spaniel's ears?"

An argument with my wife tends to make her want to clean something...with my toothbrush!

What do you call a jar full of buzzing bees? An Amish vibrator.

The Newfie saw the sign at the restaurant " Happy Hour Special: Lobster Tail & Beer." "Laird Tunderin' Jaises ! ..." he says to himself, "Me t’ree favourite t’ings".

Albert Einstein was born on March 14, 1879. Few remember that after his first marriage dissolved in 1919, the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal. Einstein always maintained that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection. He called this Einstein’s Theory of Relative Titty!

I asked my doctor if liposuction could get rid of my spare tire. He told me that my fat cells aren't strictly subcutaneous, rather they are marbled in with my muscle, so liposuction is not an option. On the bright side, if I’m ever in a plane crash and they have to eat me, I'll cook up moist and tender.

A mother complained to her doctor about her daughters strange eating habits "All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?" Eventually" said the Doctor, "she will rise and shine!"

How can you tell the gefilte fish from all the other fish in the sea? It's the one swimming around with the little carrot on its back.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. - Mark Twain