Friday Funnies June 2 06

"A jury found former Enron sleezeballs Ken Lay and Jeff Skilling guilty of fraud and conspiracy. Ken Lay? That's not a good name to have when you're going to prison. And Kenny Boy ain't too good either. ... I guess in prison they'll have done to them what they did to the stockholders." --Jay Leno

"Well, there's a bright side to this for Ken Lay. You know, throughout the years Ken Lay has been a big campaign contributor to the Republican Party. So now, he'll be able to meet with those same people when he goes to prison." --Jay Leno

"President Bush met with the prime minister of Israel and the prime minister told Bush that he intends to defend Israel's borders. When he heard this, Bush said, 'You mean you have trouble with Mexicans, too?'" --Conan O'Brien

"First Lady Laura Bush flew from Washington to New York and instead of flying Air Force One, she took the Delta Shuttle. The first lady said she did this because unlike Air Force One, commercial airlines are cheaper, they waste less gas, and she doesn't get stuck sitting next to a dumb guy." --Conan O'Brien

Little Johnny's father noticed that Johnny was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, his father said, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace. "Little Johnny replied, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

A man and his wife are spending their holidays in sunny Spain. Keen to get an all over tan, the bloke climbs onto the roof, strips off and sun bathes. After a couple of hours, he comes back into the house and climbs into bed beside his wife and they have a quickie. Within minutes the guy is in awful pain when he realises that his dick is badly sunburned. He rushes into the kitchen and opens the fridge to find something cooling. Quickly, he grabs a jug full of cold milk and dips in his pained manhood. At that point his wife enters the kitchen and seeing the milk drip from the end of his dick says, "I always wanted to know how you refilled that thing!"

A medical school professor was giving a lecture on involuntary muscular contractions. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, he decided to lighten the mood a bit. Pointing to a young woman in the first row he said, "What do you think your asshole is doing when you are having an orgasm?" Without blinking an eye she replied, "Golfing with his buddies."

They say Heather Mills is about to do a ‘tell all’ show on British television, dishing out some of the inside dirt on her time with Paul McCartney. For Paul’s sake I hope she doesn’t let everyone know about an unfortunate incident last November. Apparently Paul had bought a gold plated artificial leg for Heather and had tried to hide it in the back of the cupboard. Heather found it and confronted Paul saying, “This better not be your idea of a Christmas present!” Paul replied, “Of course not Heather Dear, that’s just a stocking stuffer!”

When you have your head up your ass, 4 of the 5 senses do not work.

A new medical study says that meat can almost be as bad for you as smoking. You know what's really bad? Second-hand meat.

I think you'll find a big difference between people who pray in church and those people who pray in casinos, because the ones praying in the casinos are much more serious.

Good old dope smoking, ego stroking, fun poking former Miami Dolphins running back Ricky Williams, since being rusticated from the NFL has landed a CFL contract with the Toronto Argonauts - which begs the question, is this just another form of punishment?

What do programmers in Australia call a Local Area Network? It's a LAN down under.

I finally figured out how to get rid of telemarketers. In a firm voice, with no threats or bad language, I recite my credit history.

The trouble with a three-day weekend is that it turns Tuesday into Monday.

Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry. That is why the wife treats her husband like toxic waste.

Oh boy, was my friend Bill embarrassed. It wasn't long after his pants hit the floor that he realized he had the wrong idea when he signed up for the "Oral Traditions in Women's Studies" class.

The other day I saw a truck carrying a house, and I thought, that must have been a really nasty divorce. I can just imagine the wife driving away screaming, "I told you I was going to take the house!" and the husband shouting back, "I'm keeping the basement!"

An attractive young woman was in the doctor's office. He said, "I'll be doing a vaginal examination now." She said, "ohh doctor, is that really necessary?" He said, "Listen! Who’s the chiropractor here -- you or me?"

An American friend says his mailbox is being flooded with mail concerning gas prices and illegal immigrants. To boycott oil companies or not; to provide amnesty to illegal immigrants or not, etc. Having become jaded to the various solutions proposed by the Republicans, Democrats, Sierra Club, ACLU, etc., he has come up with his own solution that solves both the gas and illegal immigrant problems. He’s hired ten illegal immigrants to push his car. They're plentiful, willing to work and cheaper than buying gas.

The latest thing on the diet front in Sweden is the new "animal-cure", which is very popular in Sweden. In a short interview, the creator Lasse Gorth, gives us the answer to why he calls it the "animal-cure". "Yeah, well, the reason for that is very simple. You just have to eat like a fly and shit like an elephant."

Three gas station owners report for their first day in prison. The prison guard asks one of them, "What are you in for?" He replies, "The government says I charged customers more for my gasoline than other gas stations. I'm in for price gouging." The guard looks at the second man. "And you?" He answers, "I charged less for my gasoline than everyone else. I'm in for anti-competitive pricing." The guard looks to the third. "And you?" He shrugs. "I charged the same price for my gasoline as all the other gas stations. I'm in for collusion."

A young peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory. After 2 months she gave the boss a two-week notice that she's going to quit. The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard working, knew her tasks etc. He called her into his office, "But why?" He asked."Nothing, I just want to quit that's all." She said sullenly. "Look, I'll give you a raise." "No." She said "You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me." "Okay if you must know..." Said the girl, she took off her underwear and pointed to her pubic hair, "Look I didn't have this before, it's the broom's bristles, I tell you..." Tickled by her innocence, he took off his underwear and showed his, and said, "Ha ha...my dear it's nature. Look I have it too...." "Oh no!!" The girl cried with a sob, "I can't wait two weeks, I'm quitting right now, not only have you got the bristles, but you've grown the handle as well."

More from Stephen Wright:
- Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
- When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child . . . eventually.
- I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
- My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
- I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
- I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
- Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
- I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.
- I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
- When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
- My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
- He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.
- Hermits have no peer pressure.
- There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
- Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers.
- I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".
- I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
- Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
- I'm a peripheral visionary.
- I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O.
- Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?
- Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

The University professor challenged his students with this question. "Did God create everything that exists?" A student bravely replied, "Yes he did!" "God created everything?" The professor asked."Yes sir", the student replied. The professor answered, "If God created everything, then God created evil, since evil exists, and according to the principal that our works define who we are, then God is evil." The student became quiet before such an answer. The professor, quite pleased with himself, boasted to the students that he had proven once more that the Christian faith was a myth.Another student raised his hand and said, "Can I ask you a question professor?" "Of course", replied the professor.The student stood up and asked, "Professor does cold exist?" "What kind of question is this? Of course it exists. Have you never been cold?" The students snickered at the young man's question. The young man replied, "In fact sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the absence of heat. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-460? F) is the total absence of heat; all matter becomes inert and incapable of reaction at that temperature. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe how we feel if we have no heat."The student continued, "Professor, does darkness exist?" The professor responded, "Of course it does." The student replied, "Once again you are wrong sir, darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light we can study, but not darkness. In fact we can use Newton's prism to break white light into many colors and study the various wavelengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount of light present. Isn't this correct? Darkness is a term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light present."Finally the young man asked the professor, "Sir, does evil exist?"Now uncertain, the professor responded, "Of course as I have already said. We see it everyday. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil. To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist sir, or at least is does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light."The professor sat down.The young man's name -- Albert Einstein

How to Stay Safe in the World Today
1. Avoid riding in automobiles because they are responsible for 20 percent of all fatal accidents.
2. Do not stay at home because 17 percent of all accidents occur in the home. (that's 37 % already)
3. Avoid walking on streets or sidewalks because 14 percent of all accidents occur to pedestrians. (now that's 51%)
4. Avoid traveling by air, rail, or water because 16 percent of all accidents involve these forms! of transportation. (that's 67%)
5. Of the remaining 33 percent, 32 percent of all deaths occur in hospitals. Above all else avoid hospitals.You will be pleased to learn that only 0.01 percent of all deaths occur in a synagogue, and these are usually related to previous physical disorders. Therefore logic tells us that the safest place for you to be at any given point in time is in Synagogue services. Torah Study is even safer. The number of deaths during Torah Study is too small to register. For safety's sake, stay alive, go to Shul as often as possible, and attend Torah Study.