Friday Funnies November 24 06

You Might Be A Thanksgiving Redneck If...
* You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
* Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
* You've ever re-used a paper plate.
* If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
* If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
* On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.
* Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.
* Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.
* Your stuffings secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
* Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.
* Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.
* You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
* The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
* You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
* You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
* Your secret family recipe is illegal.
* You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.

"Disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff reported to prison today for his six-year term for bribing members of Congress. Here is the ironic part -- on his first day in prison, he ran into more congressmen than he did when he was on Capitol Hill." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said he is now listening to Democrats in a new way -- without wiretaps." --Jay Leno

"President Bush now in his eight day trip to China. His approval rating is 31%. Not good. To give you an idea of how unpopular President Bush is, on Air Force One now, he can't even get the window seat." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is traveling. He's in Southeast Asia. Earlier today, he arrived in Vietnam -- better late than never." --David Letterman

"President Bush just announced that next month he will host a White House conference on Malaria. Bush told reporters, 'I'm looking forward to meeting the Malarians.'" --Conan O'Brien

"A group called Orgasm for Peace is trying to promote peace by trying to have everyone in the world have an orgasm at the same time on Dec. 22. To prepare for the Dec. 22 orgasm, women are starting now, and men will be told two minutes ahead of time." --Conan O'Brien

Orgasm for peace? Wasn't that Clinton's foreign policy?" --Jay Leno

"Senator Trent Lott, who was ousted from the Senate leadership four years ago because of remarks considered racially insensitive, won election Wednesday, as the Senate Minority Whip. But Lott was disappointed to learn this doesn't mean he gets to whip minorities." --Seth Myers

"The Democrats, it's less than two weeks since they took power and already they're fighting among themselves. ... Say what you want about the Republican Congress, those guys were always on the same page." --Bill Maher

Britney Spears has dumped her husband, Kevin Federline, announcing it late on Election Day last week, while America was busy trying to learn who would lead them in the next Congress. The ice charades began when Britney apparently informed her husband, aka K-Fed, via text message on his Blackberry, that they were through and she was filing for divorce. In other words, Britney turned K-Fed into FedEx by giving him a raspberry over his blackberry. What's worse than just being dumped by Britney via a text message? How about doing it live on TV. You guessed it. The whole thing was caught on film, during K-Fed's promotional interviews and documentary day at MuchMusic, just as he was talking about her support and love for his work and for him. Ouch.

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that read, -$5.00 - If I can't tell you where you're from, I'll pay you $50.00!" The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask, "Is the sign right?" The Indian says, "yes." The cowboy hands him a five and says, "you're on!" The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly states, "you're from Wyoming." The cowboy shakes his head and says, "I'll be darned! You're right!" and strolls away. A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through the same routine. Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the Indian looks him up and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots. The Indian says, "you're from Montana!" The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walks away. The young man decides he's going to give the Indian a run for the money. He goes into the men's room, takes his boots off, scrubs them up, dries them off, puts on a coat of polish and approaches the Indian. He hands the Indian a five dollar bill and says, "do your stuff!" The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be befuddled. The young man is now thinking he's gone one up on the Indian.The Indian says, "You're from New Zealand!" The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of him figure out how the Indian could know that, so he asks, "How in the world did you know I'm from New Zealand?" The Indian replies, "by the wool on your zipper."

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance. He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need. Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!" Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again............ Don't ya just love shopping for shoes!

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked. "That's the one!" "That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me."

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The previous year he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

Why did Adam and Eve have a perfect marriage? He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

What’s the best way to kill a circus? Go for the juggler!

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat. - Marcus Brigstocke

Blessed are the cracked: for it is they who let in the light!

THE LAND OF SANDRA DEE
Long ago and far away,
In a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan
Or the dawn of Camelot.

There lived a race of innocents,
And they were you and me,
Long ago and far away
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

Oh, there was truth and goodness
In that land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges,
And Peyton Place was porn.

For Ike was in the White House,
And Hoss was on TV,
And God was in His heaven
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

We learned to gut a muffler,
We washed our hair at dawn,
We spread our crinolines to dry
In circles on the lawn.

And they could hear us coming
All the way to Tennessee,
All starched and sprayed and rumbling
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

We longed for love and romance,
And waited for our prince,
And Eddie Fisher married Liz,
And no one's seen him since.

We danced to "Little Darlin,"
And Sang to "Stagger Lee"
We cried for Buddy Holly
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

Only girls wore earrings then,
And three was one too many,
And only boys wore flat-top cuts,
Except for Jean McKinney.

And only in our wildest dreams
Did we expect to see
A boy named George with Lipstick
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

We fell for Frankie Avalon,
Annette was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie,
They never made it twice.

We didn't have a Star Trek Five,
Or Psycho Two and Three,
Or Rocky-Rambo Twenty
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

Miss Kitty had a heart of gold,
And Chester had a limp,
And Reagan was a Democrat
Whose co-star was a chimp.

We had a Mr. Wizard,
But not a Mr. T,
And Oprah wasn't talkin' yet
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

We had our share of heroes,
We never thought they'd go,
At least not Bobby Darin,
Or Marilyn Monroe.

For youth was still eternal,
And life was yet to be,
And Elvis was forever,
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

We'd never seen the rock band
That was Grateful to be Dead,
And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson,
And Zeppelins weren't Led.

And Beatles lived in gardens then,
And Monkees in a tree,
Madonna was a virgin
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

We'd never heard of microwaves,
Or telephones in cars,
And babies might be bottle-fed,
But they weren't grown in jars.

And pumping iron got wrinkles out,
And "gay" meant fancy-free,
And dorms were never co-ed
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

We hadn't seen enough of jets
To talk about the lag,
And microchips were what was left
In the bottom of the bag.

And Hardware was a box of nails,
And bytes came from a flea,
And rocket ships were fiction
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

Buicks came with portholes,
And sideshow came with freaks,
And bathing suits came big enough
To cover both your cheeks.

And Coke came just in bottles,
And skirts came to the knee,
And Castro came to power
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

We had no Crest with Fluoride,
We had no Hill Street Blues,
We all wore superstructure bras
Designed by Howard Hughes.

We had no patterned pantyhose
Or Lipton herbal tea
Or prime-time ads for condoms
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

There were no golden arches,
No Perriers to chill,
And fish were not called Wanda,
And cats were not called Bill.

And middle-aged was thirty-five
And old was forty-three,
And ancient were our parents
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

But all things have a season,
Or so we've heard them say,
And now instead of Maybelline
We swear by Retin-A.

And they send us invitations
To join AARP,
We've come a long way, baby,
From the Land of Sandra Dee.

So now we face a brave new world
In slightly larger jeans,
And wonder why they're using
Smaller print in magazines.

And we tell our children's children
of the way it used to be,
Long ago and far away
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

Chaim died. His will provided $50,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed, his wife, Sarah, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Chaim would be pleased," she said. "I'm sure you're right," replied Rachel, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Sarah. " Fifty thousand." "No!" Rachel exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $50,000 ?" Sarah answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the shul. The shiva food and drinks are another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone." Rachel computed quickly."$42,500 for a memorial stone? OH VEH, how big is it?!" "Two and a half carats" !