Friday Funnies June 16 06

"As you know, the constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage got voted down last week. Here's my questions: When two guys get married, what is the bachelor party like? Do they both go?" --Jay Leno

"U.S. forces killed terrorist al-Zarqawi in an air strike. We didn't get the devil on 666, but we only missed by one day. ... He was hit by two 500 pound bombs. In fact, al-Zarqawi's name is now ow-ow-ow-Zarqawi. ... You know what his last words were? 'Holy Shiite.'" --Jay Leno

"U.S. forces said they learned where Zarqawi was staying by tracking his spiritual adviser. He has a spiritual adviser? What a great job that guy was doing. I think the last spiritual advice he gave him was, 'Start praying and kiss your ass goodbye.'" --Jay Leno

"Here's a weather report over al-Zarqawi's safe house in Iraq: It's partly Sunni with widely scattered Shiites." --Jay Leno

And more problems for al-Zarqawi. You know how they believe when you get to heaven, you get 72 virgins? Turns out, now you wind up in hell with 72 year-old virgins." --Jay Leno

"Last week the U.S. eliminated Iraq's number one terrorist, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. This week al Qaeda announced his successor, Abu Hamza al-Muhajer. When asked why they chose him, an al Qaeda spokesperson said, 'We have a lot of leftover stationary that says, From the Desk of Abu.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This was a little frightening. Over the weekend, the Royal Mounted police up in Canada ... busted a group of Canadian terrorists -- a Canadian al Qaeda group. About 19 of them. Their motto was: 'Death to America, ey?' ... The Canadian terrorist group was led by Canadian mastermind, Gordy bin Laden." --David Letterman

Congratulations to Anna Nicole Smith who announced that she is pregnant. If you would like to get her a gift, she's registered at Bed, Sponge Bath and Beyond.- Jay Leno

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's performance. In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"

My wife and I were in a heated argument that lasted over two hours, neither of us willing to give in. She looked at me and said: "I only have one thing left to say, Lorena Bobbitt only got six months!" I stared at her, thinking for a few seconds, then replied: "Yeah? Well O.J. got off scot free!"

"I was relaxing in my favourite chair on Sunday," said Doug to Bill, "reading the newspaper, watching a ball game on TV and listening to another on the radio, drinking a beer, eating a snack, and scratching the dog with my foot -- and my wife has the nerve to accuse me of just sitting there doing nothing !"

An attendant on a cross-country flight nervously announced: "I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners." When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight." Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone wants to change his mind, we still have 29 dinners available!
A woman I know was complaining about her work! She was bitter that her boss gave the job she deserved to another woman! She said she was better qualified and had been with the company longer! When I asked what the position was, she replied “Apparently for her, it's on her knees under his desk!

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs”

Good sex can correct poor posture...or at least make it stand up straight.

A woman joined a health spa, and on her first day eagerly joined in an exercise class. However, when it ended she went to the front desk and requested cancellation of her membership. When asked why, she replied, "Your floors are so low that I cannot touch my toes!"

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks when she talks him into trying this really great new drink. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice." So the boyfriend puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it .... In one second the sharp lime taste hits.... At two seconds the Baileys curdles .... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?" She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge"

Don't criticize your wife. If she were perfect, she would have married much better than you.

And you may want to consider the plight of the male preying mantis. During mating the smaller male often jumps on the back of the larger female. Miscalculating the jump may mean the male becomes a meal. Even if the jump was successful, the pair mate and during copulation the female may turn and devour the male's head. The body of the male is capable of completing the mating, when complete the female will finish eating the male. And you thought what your wife does to you for snoring is bad!
Life, like language, should be colourful SOOOOOO, you can have sexual intercourse or you can have a quickie, consummate a marriage, couple, copulate, coddle, or commit the act of procreation. You could be making whoopee, making love, love making, scrogging, slapping skin, or sweating to the oldies. You could sleep with someone, sleep together, sleep around, fool around, whore around, screw around, or just screw, shag, shank, score, fornicate, fork, pork, pump, poke, plank, pound, boff bonk, bop, bone bang, or boink. you could be dancing between the sheets, doing the horizontal bop, the horizontal mambo, the prone boogie, or even the hunka-chunka. You could be humping, bumping, humping and bumping, bumping uglies, the ol' bump and grind, or making the two backed beast. You could play doctor, hide the salami, hide the sausage, because dammit, it's the most fun you can have with your clothes off. You could break in a new mattress, or give the old one a workout. You could be squeaking the springs, annoying the neighbors, or making a big mistake. You could get them in the sack, get little action, get a little nookie, get a piece of tail, get a piece of ass, get it on, get some, get frisky, get lucky, get laid, get all hot and sticky, or just get it wet, get the wrinkles out of it, get a little sticky steak up in this bitch. You could be mounted, mounting, rutting, breeding, starting a family, pulling the train, slamming the stack. Two for me, none for you. Not going anywhere for a while? You could turn a trick, or take pity on the poor bastard and give it away. Happy hammering, hammer, nail, sow your wild oats, lose your virginity, or induce pregnancy the old fashioned way. Take a roll in the hay, a trip to the tunnel of love, or a trip to paradise if you're taking the scenic route. Hit a home run, hit the twizzer, knock boots, tap that ass, shoplift the pootie, plunder the booty, count the ceiling tiles, ruin a friendship, or close the scroat. Do the wild thing, do it, doing it, doing the nasty, the nasty, the old in-out in-out, dip the wick, dip the stick (or if you're with a moron you could stick the dip). Wet the noodle, check the oil, check the temperature, give her the pork sword injection, or the hot beef injection, depending on your religion. Or perhaps even commit assault with a vein laden meat pipe. You could give in, give it up, go for it, go for the gold, go for the gusto, go for broke, or even go all the way, after all, it is the fastest way to the top. You could engage in a fluid transfer, relieve some tension, relieve some pressure, or experience a hormonal episode. it's a labor of love, hanky panky, and as a friend of mine once said "the noblest of all causes" or....you could just FUCK.

Historians have recently discovered that Annie Oakley, famed sharp-shooter of the Old West, had a sister. The sister, Carrie, gained some renown in her day as a singer in various saloons throughout the West, but it was not until after her death that she was very widely known. Today, countless bars are dedicated to Carrie Oakley.

A simple solution to three U.S. problems:
1. Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border,
2. Use the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans
3. Put the Florida alligators in the moat.

David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers: (Doubtfully approved by the NAACP)
# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.
# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.
# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.
# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale JR.
# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.
# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.
# 3 - No Cadillac's approved for competition.
# 2 - Can't wear helmet sideways.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR!.......
# 1 - When they crash their cars, they bail out and run.

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of shit. However, we do not run that risk when drinking scotch (or rum, whiskey, beer, wine or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting. WATER = Shit. SCOTCH = HEALTH. Free yourself of shit - drink SCOTCH !!! It is better to drink scotch and talk shit than to drink water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I am doing it as a public service!

Absolute confirmation of the power of gematria:If you assign the number 1 for A, the number 2 for B, etc., the gematria for Harry Potter comes out to 164. If you then add 613 for the taryag mitzvot, you get 777. Then subtract out seven for the sheva mitzvos b'nei Noach, and you get 770. This is a clear indication that J.K. Rowling believes that the Rebbe is Moshiach. Therefore, anyone who does not believe that the Rebbe is Moshiach should not be reading Harry Potter books.

One definition of courage is the willingness of a person to stand up for his beliefs in the face of great odds. Chutzpah is doing the same thing wearing a Mickey Mouse hat.

Rabbi Levy had to spend time in a Catholic hospital. He became friends with the Sister who was a nurse there. One day, she came into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing. She asked him good-naturedly, "Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?" "Oh, sister," chuckled Rabbi Levy, "I just figured one suffering Jew in this room was enough."

Zen Judaism: David M. Bader
Do not Kvetch
Be a Kvetch
Become one with your whining