Friday Funnies August 25 06

"A former sex slave of Osama bin Laden now has a book coming out. In the book, she says that Osama bin Laden is in love with Whitney Houston. It would be interesting. On the one hand, you have an out-of-control maniac, and then on the other hand, there's Osama bin Laden." --David Letterman

"Iran is really stepping up their nuclear program. Not only do they have the enriched uranium, they also developed the low-carb uranium." --David Letterman

"President Bush now says he does not care about Iran's nuclear program, as long as they're not developing a nuke-ular program." --David Letterman

"NASA lost the original film of the moon landing. Did you hear about this? Well, you know, in their defense, they're not exactly rocket scientists." --David Letterman

"A lot of folks are big fans of the planets. Pluto now has lost its status as a planet. But it says it will run as an independent." --David Letterman

"You know whose birthday it is tomorrow? Bill Clinton, former President Bill Clinton. Celebrity birthday, 60 years old. Bill Clinton plans to celebrate the same way he does every year: he'll have a romantic dinner, some dancing, and then he'll go home to Hillary." --David Letterman

"Oh, sure, you can have snakes on a plane, but forget shampoo and toothpaste." --David Letterman

London Heathrow Airport began using a security screener that sees completely through clothing and reveals a passenger's naked body on a television monitor. The new machine was rushed into place Friday. It's on loan from the Clinton Library. - Argus Hamilton

Restrictions against carrying liquids and gels on board aircraft have been eased, causing sighs of relief from millions of women who dreaded having to empty the silicone from their breast implants. - Scott Witt

Porn Star Jenna Jameson will be an announcer in the Super Bowl halftime pay-per-view Lingerie Bowl. Finally, something in football that sucks more than the Houston Texans. - Alex Kaseberg

A husband answered the phone, "No, I'm afraid she's not in at the moment. Who shall I say was going to listen?"

When a man marries two women he is a bigamist. Why he marries in the first place is a bigamystry.

No one dies a virgin, life screws us all.

Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach hundreds of men to steal fish and give you a percentage... WHOA! You could pretty much retire! -Claire Voltaire

What do you get when you cross a snake and a kangaroo? A jump rope.

A few friends and I were discussing diet tips. When it was mentioned that getting enough exercise and sleep were just as important as watching food intake, one friend said he was surprised. I replied that sleep definitely has a lot to do with my dieting. The only time I'm not eating is when I'm sleeping!

BLOW JOBS – Views from both sides:
WHAT A WOMAN HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally,do you really WANT puke on your dick?7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit sono, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behaviour to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV..
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."

WHAT A MAN HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT
1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavour country.
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!
12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep."
13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

There once was a man from Alsace
Who had two giant balls made of brass.
When he clanged them together
They played Stormy Weather,
While lightening shot out his ass.

The Birds and The Bees – The Modern Version:
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! You're Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You've got Male!

Recently, our town received a grant to build housing for midgets. According to our demographics, they figured that we should have six midgets living here. They sent enough money so that we could finance the building of homes and let the "little people" pay less than the going rate for rent. Since we have only one "little person" living here it turns out that he won't have to pay anything for the only house we built, the subsidy covers everything. We call it a Stay Free Mini Pad!

I have a Golden Retriever and I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Oldie Goldie:
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it", says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult." "Why?" asketh the Lord. "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Nebraska."

And they ask why People like retirement ....
Question: How many days in a week?Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?Answer: Tied shoes and a fastened Fly
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?Answer: Normal.
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

Joe, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times and had seen some other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try. On his first day of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that another fisherman near him that was scooping in one after another. He had to know the Secret. "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?" he asked. The other man looked around a bit embarrassed. "Well, I am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that human tonsil works very well." Joe thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time, and left. The next day, Joe returned to the lake, tried a different bait and still had no luck. Just as the day before, there was yet a different man reeling in fish after fish. Excuse me, asked Joe, "but could you suggest a bait that I could try?" "Well, I can but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am using a bit of human appendix." Hmm, thought Joe. It seemed that the fish in this lake would require a little more effort than normal. He left, willing to give the lake one more try. On the third day, Joe still had no luck. As was usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish left and right. Joe wanted to confirm what he already knew. "Excuse me sir, but are you a doctor?" "No, I am a Mohel."