Friday Funnies May 12 06

I don't think President Bush fully understands this immigration thing. Like today, when they asked him about amnesty, he said it's horrible when anyone loses their memory. - Jay Leno

"According to a new study, 99% of women say they don't like men who wear leather pants. Which works out perfectly, since 100% of men who wear leather pants don't like women." -Conan O'Brien

We've all heard "Laughter is the best medicine." Lately I'm not so sure. If that were really true, wouldn't the medical profession have found a way by now to charge us for it?

You could use your old computer to shop for a new computer online. But that seems kind of cruel, doesn't it? Like asking your dying spouse if he or she has any cute friends.

Does anybody else find it ironic that many couples split up because they haven't spent enough time together?

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

People always say, "He died penniless," as if it's a terrible thing. I don't know, it sounds like good timing to me.

A female friend confided she’s starting to get depressed because she’s reached that awkward age - too young for Medicare, and too old for men to care!

Scientists have confirmed that a woman can burn up 25 calories having an orgasm. They also found she can burn over 167 calories faking one.

Women are like computers - even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

The Top Ten "Old West" Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After That Damn, Gay Cowboy Movie....
1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"
2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"
3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."
4. "Howdy, pardner."
5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."
6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."
7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."
8. "Let's mount up!"
9. "Nice spread ya got there!"
10. "Ride'em cowboy!"

Two retired English officers were sitting in their armchairs in a London club reading their respective papers. "By Jove," said one, looking over the top of The Times, "do you remember old Simmons during the War? I thought he'd died, but it turns out they've found him after 40 years living up in a tree with a gorilla!" "I say! Male or female gorilla?" "Female of course. Nothing queer about old Simmons."

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "magic." Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She just giggled and said she was sure I'd "rise" to the challenge. "Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. "Anyway," she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!" So I told her to fuck off.

When the well-sculpted secretary entered her boss' office one morning, he looked out the window and announced idly, "It's certainly going to be a beautiful day." "I don't think so," she replied. "The weather forecast is for snow." "It's not going to snow," contradicted the exec. "I'll lay you twelve to one." "I'd rather not," she remarked. "That's my lunch hour."

Somewhat punny:
There was a ghost at the hotel, so they called for an inn spectre.
She was only a whisky maker but he loved her still.
A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.
A music store was robbed. The thief made away with the lute.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

If only it were so simple: The Israelis and Arabs finally realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the world. So they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with a dogfight. The negotiators agreed that each country would take five years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its country the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy from each litter, killed all the other puppies and fed them the best food . They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine. After the five years were up, they had a dog that needed iron prison bars on its cage. Only the trainers could handle this beast. When the day of the big fight arrived, the Israelis showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Israelis. No one else thought this weird animal stood a chance against the growling beast in the Arab camp. The bookies predicted the Arabs would win in less than a minute. The cages were opened. The Dachshund waddled toward the center of the ring. The Arab dog leapt from his cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast in one bite. There was nothing left but a small bit of fur from the killer dog's tail. The Arabs approached the Israelis, shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand. Our top scientists and breeders worked for five years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans and Rottweilers. They developed a killing machine." "Really?" the Israelis replied. "We had our top plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund!"

License plate seen on a Toyota Prius hybrid: F OPEC

For all you single ladies out there - one day your prince will come. That is... if he doesn't make a wrong turn, get lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

A debt collector knocked on the door of a country family that made their living weaving cloth. "Is Jack home?" he asked the woman who answered the door. "I'm sorry," the woman replied. "Jack's gone for cotton." A few weeks later the collector tried again. "Is Jack here today?" Once again the answer was "No, sir, I'm afraid he has gone for cotton." When he returned for the third time and Jack was still nowhere to be seen, he complained, "I suppose Jack is gone for cotton again?" "No," the woman answered solemnly, "Jack died yesterday." Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Jack's tombstone, with this inscription: "Gone, But Not for Cotton."

Ten Ways You Know Your Internet Connection Is A Little Slow
1. Text on Web pages displays as Morse Code.
2. Graphics arrive via FedEx.
3. You believe a heavier string might improve your connection.
4. You post a message to your favourite newsgroup and it displays a week later.
5. Your credit card expires while ordering online.
6. ESPN Web site exhibits "Heisman Trophy Winner"...for 1989.
7. You're still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, "PacMan".
8. Everyone you talk to on the 'net phone' sounds like Forrest Gump.
9. You receive e-mails with stamps on them.
10. When you click the "Send" button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.

Money may not be everything, but it sure keeps the kids writing to you!

One college kid wrote home, "Dear folks, I've been worried sick because I haven't heard from you. Please send me a cheque so I'll know you're okay."

There was a fire one night at a convent and several retired nuns who lived on the fourth floor were trapped by the fire. They were praying for the Lord to show them a way out of the fire when one of the sisters screamed, "We need to take off our robes, tie them together and climb down to safety." Later as they were recounting the event to reporters, they were asked if they were afraid of the crude rope breaking. "Oh, no," they said. "You see, old habits are hard to break."

A psychiatrist who works from his home office had a young daughter who would see patients coming in and out all day. As they sat at their paediatrician's office one day for her immunisations, she said, 'Daddy, You're a doctor too, aren't you?' He said, 'Yes why?'. She replied, 'But you're not the kind who makes people better are you? They keep coming back.' He's looking for a new career choice after that analysis.

The sad truth: Picture this: Two patients limp into two different Canadian medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement. The first patient is examined within the hour. Is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week. The second sees his family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month, and finally has his surgery scheduled for a year from then. Why the different treatment for the two patients? The first is a Golden Retriever; the second is an elderly man.