Friday Funnies November 10 06

"Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney got full endorsement from President Bush. That's like Curly and Larry getting a vote of confidence from Moe." --David Letterman

"The GOP is concerned about Republican voter turnout. Right now instead they have a congressman and a preacher that are coming out instead of turning out." --Jay Leno

"Pastor Ted Haggard has stepped down from his position. He was thought to be a George Bush Republican. Instead it turned out he was a George Michael Republican." --Jay Leno

"Over the weekend, Haggard released a statement saying he's a deceiver and a liar. See to me, I think it's way too soon to announce you're going into politics." --Jay Leno

"Pastor Ted Haggard ... has compared his gay sex scandal to John Kerry's botching of a joke last week. You think they're the same? To be fair, they both involved a slip of the tongue." --Jay Leno

"Reverend Ted Haggard, president of the 30 million member National Association of Evangelicals, resigned his post this weekend after admitting to a three-year relationship with a gay hooker. Oh, and he also used and purchased crystal meth. Because if you're the head of a gay-hating organization and you're having a gay affair, why not go nuts?" --Jon Stewart

"Haggard was exposed by a male escort named Mike Jones, who said he was troubled by the hypocrisy of Haggard's public support for a Colorado initiative to ban same-sex marriage. And you know you're in trouble when you've ceded the moral high ground to a drug-dealing prostitute." --Jon Stewart

More candidates in this midterm election are reaching out to the voters via email. So while I used to get all my spam from people trying to enlarge my penis; now I'm getting contacted by the penises directly! - Jake Novak

There’s nothing like jumping on the bandwagon of Republican bashing -
What You Need To Believe To Be A Republican:
1. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
2. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
3. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
4. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iran & North Korea.
5 A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
7. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
8. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
10. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
11. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
12. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
13. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
14. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
15. Supporting "Executive Privilege" for every Republican ever born, who will be born or who might be born (in perpetuity.)
16. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
17. Alcohol & cocaine abuse are prerequisites for holding the office of US president.
18. Support for hunters who shoot their friends and blame them for wearing orange vests similar to those worn by the quail.
One last shot: Democrats use bookmarks. Republicans prefer their pages bent over.

This doesn’t exactly fall under humour but it’s certainly interesting. Here’s the dope on WD-40:
“I had a neighbor who had bought a new pickup. I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red all around the sides of this beige truck (for some unknown reason). I went over, woke him up, and told him the bad news. He was very upset and was trying to figure out what to do probably nothing until Monday morning, since nothing was open. Another neighbor came out and told him to get his WD-40 and clean it off. It removed the unwanted paint beautifully and did not harm his paint job that was on the truck. I'm impressed!
WD-40 who knew?
Water Displacement #40.
The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the project that was to find a "water displacement" compound. They were successful with the fortieth formulation thus WD-40. The Corvair Company bought it in bulk to protect their atlas missile parts. Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you. When you read the "shower door" part, try it. It's the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass. It's a miracle! Then try it on your stovetop... Voila! It's now shinier than it's ever been. You'll be amazed.”Here are some of the uses:
1) Protects silver from tarnishing.
2) Removes road tar and grime from cars.
3) Cleans and lubricates guitar strings.
4) Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making it slippery.
5) Keeps flies off cows.
6) Restores and cleans chalkboards.
7) Removes lipstick stains.
8) Loosens stubborn zippers.
9) Untangles jewelry chains.
10) Removes stains from stainless steel sinks.
11) Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill.
12) Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing.
13) Removes tomato stains from clothing.
14) Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots.
15) Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors.
16) Keeps scissors working smoothly.
17) Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes
18) It removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor! Use WD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn't seem to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off. Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.
19) Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly! Use WD-40!
20) Gives a children's play gym slide a shine for a super fast slide.
21) Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers.
22) Rids kids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises.
23) Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open.
24) Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close.
25) Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers.
26) Restores and clean s roof racks on vehicles.
27) Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans.
28) Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons, and bicycles for easy handling.
29) Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly.
30) Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools.
31) Removes splattered grease on stove.
32) Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging.
33) Lubricates prosthetic limbs.
34) Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell).
35) Removes all traces of duct tape.
36) Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain.
37) Florida's favorite use is: "cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers."
38) The favorite use in the state of New York WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
39) WD-40 attracts fish (The basic ingredient is FISH OIL). Spray a LITTLE on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time. Also, it's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose. Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states.
40) Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately and stops the itch.
41) WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag.
42) Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and re-wash. Presto! Lipstick is gone!
43) If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it would displace the moisture and allow the car to start.
44) Keep a can in the kitchen as well – it’s good for oven burns or any other type of burn - takes away the burned feeling and heals with NO scarring.Well, now you know!

Aliens are coming to abduct all the intelligent, good looking and sexy people. You will be safe .... I'm just e-mailing to say goodbye.

Rules are the means of a woman's assessing which man she likes well enough to break them for.

A husband: A person who expects his wife to be perfect and to understand why he isn't.

To judge from the covers of countless women's magazines, the two topics most interesting to women are:
1. Why men are all disgusting pigs, and
2. How to attract men.

Where did the meteorologist stop for a drink on the way home from a long day in the studio? The nearest ISOBAR!

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."

To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment building to work on his tan. Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, he fell asleep and his Johnson was sunburnt Being very determined, he decided not to miss his date with the hot blonde, so, he put some ointment on the beast and wrapped it in gauze. The young man's date, a beautiful blonde, showed up at his apartment for the promised home cooked meal, and was treated to a feast. After they finished with the dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt. After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused. A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain, so he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk. He experienced immediate relief. The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen And found him with his "tool" immersed in the glass of milk. With a look of understanding the Blonde exclaimed, "SO, THAT'S HOW YOU RELOAD THOSE THINGS"

Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together. Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other. After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?" Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and... I miss the days when I had mine."

A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the librarian, "Excuse me Miss, day ye hiv ony books on suicide?" The prim young woman stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says, "Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!"

A little Jewish humour:

Two Jewish immigrants meet on the street. "How’s by you?" asks one. "Could be worse. And you?" "Surviving. But I have been sick a lot this year and it's costing me a fortune. In the past five months, I've spent over $10,000 on doctors and medicine." "Ach, back home on that kind of money, you could be sick for two years."

Yiddish Proverbs
- A man is not honest simply because he never had a chance to steal.
- Don't judge a man by the words of his mother, listen to the comments of his neighbors.
- If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living.
- The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks.
- Ask about your neighbors, then buy the house.
- What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.
- When a thief kisses you, count your teeth.
- One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.

Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and,amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?" She answered, "Miracle, shmiracle . . . he gave me a longer cane."

Morris takes his grandfather's violin to a pawnshop to have it appraised. The pawnbroker quoted a very low sum and explained,"Old fiddles aren't worth much, I'm afraid," "What makes it a fiddle and not a violin?" Morris asked. The pawnbroker replied,"If you're buying it from me, it's a violin. If I'm buying it from you, it's a fiddle."

My wife and I were sitting at the counter having lunch in a diner. I said to her, “Look at that nice-looking older couple down at the other end of the counter. I figure that will be us in about ten years.” My wife said,”You DO realise that’s a mirror at the end of the counter, right?”