Friday Funnies May 26 06

The Center For Disease Control claims that raising beer prices by 20% would reduce venereal disase among young people by 9%. There's a commercial for you -- 'Tastes great! Less gonorrhea!' - Jay Leno

"President Bush is proposing sending six thousands National Guard troops to bolster patrols along the U.S.-Mexican border. Or as he's calling it, "No Juan Left Behind." --Jay Leno

"The Bush administration is tightening immigration now. In order to cross the United States, you have to have legal documentation. If you want to get into the United States you have to have legal documentation or a 95 mile an hour fast ball." --David Letterman

"The Senate has passed a resolution to make English the official language of the United States. When asked if they approve of the resolution, 75% of the people in Los Angeles said, 'Si.'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush has proposed sweeping immigration changes, which is pretty amazing when you consider before he became president, Bush thought immigration was the sincerest form of flattery." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said that these troops will be at the border temporarily. You know, just until Mexico is ready to govern itself. Sound familiar?" --Jay Leno

"In the wake of news that the NSA is monitoring American phone records, Sen. Arlen Specter, the judiciary committee chairman, said he would subpoena the phone companies to appear before his committee. The phone companies said they would try to be there some time between 10 a.m. and 6 p.m." --Tina Fey

"Conservative Republicans are very worried that there's no way to keep track of these illegal aliens. Yeah, we can't keep track of them unless they start making phone calls." --Jay Leno

"Bush tried to assure everybody yesterday. His quote was 'We are not mining or trolling through the personal lives of innocent Americans. But in case you're wondering, Tom Cruise is gay.'" --Bill Maher

"I signed up for a new calling plan today -- the 'NSA Friends and Family' plan. For $100 a month, they listen to all my friends and all my family." --Jay Leno

"Last night was the season finale of 'West Wing.' 'West Wing' is gone. And ABC has cancelled 'Commander In Chief.' So, now the only fictional president is Bush." --David Letterman

"Bush said his brother, Jeb, would make a great president. That's all we need. Big Brother's little brother." --Bill Maher

I finally figured out why, after invading both Afghanistan and Iraq, Bush now wants to invade Iran. It's got nothing to do with terrorism, oil, 9/11, Osama, WMDs or nukes. If he gets all three in a row, he can start building houses and hotels."

A Louisiana state Senate committee unanimously approved a ban on cock fighting, in what appears to be a first step in outlawing gay marriage" --Amy Poehler

"In a recent interview, Hillary Clinton ... said in her spare time what she likes to do is download iTunes. And, of course, we all know in his spare time, Bill likes to download interns." --David Letterman

Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us ARE the others.

Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your ass?

The new Supermarket near my house has an automatic mist machine to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm. When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle. I’ve been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.

A high school class was putting on a mock trial. The teacher asked who wanted what roles. A pretty girl raised her hand and said, "I'll be the prostituting attorney".

THE DICTIONARY OF DATING
ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
DATING - the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children.
EASY - a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
PRIG - a term used to describe a woman who wants to stay virgin until married.
EYE CONTACT - a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE - a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
INTERESTING - a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY - how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
FRIGID - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.
SOBER - condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
NAG - a man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse.

"Half of all marriages end in divorce". That's not as bad as it sounds. The other half end in death.

While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off".

If your wife or girlfriend is pregnant, you might want to avoid saying any of the following:
"Sure you'll get your figure back. We'll just search 1985 to see where you left it."
"How come you're so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?"
"What's the big deal? If you can handle 'me' going in, surely you can handle a baby coming out."
"Hey, when you're finished puking in there, get me a beer, will ya?"
"Yo, fatass! You're blocking the TV!"
"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Anderson had a baby!"
"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
"Damn if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
"Got milk?"
"Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

“These shoes are killing me!” opined the blonde. Why do we wear these ridiculous high heels anyway? Her girlfriend replied,” I'm not sure, but I think it makes us easier to hunt.”
Here are 14 actual error messages seen on the computer screens in Japan, where some are written in Haiku. Aren't these better than "your computer has performed an illegal operation"?
1. The Web site you seek
cannot be located,
but countless more exist.
2. Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
3. Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
4. Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams
5. Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
6. Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
7. Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
8. A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
9. Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred?
10. You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
11. Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
but we never will.
12. Having been erased,
the document you're seeking
must now be retyped.
13. Serious error.
All shortcuts
have disappeared.
14. Screen.
Mind.
Both are blank.

A little Jewish Humour:A Rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "SCHMUCK" The next Friday night he announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names. But, this week, I received a letter from someone who signed his name and forgot to write a letter."

The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole.

Then there’s Jewish Alzheimer's Disease - when you forget everything but the guilt.

Someone once asked his rabbi why, in our day, we pray for protection from `wild beasts' when traveling by car? From which `wild beasts' do we need protection? "The other drivers," the rabbi answered.