Friday Funnies July 14 06

"President Bush told People magazine this week that he's working on a solution for global warming. He says it will be ready in less than six months. Yeah, it's called winter." --Jay Leno

"Enron's president, Ken Lay, passed away last week. So I guess even God lost money on that Enron deal. I believe the official cause of death was listed as 'karma.' The family asked in lieu of flowers, please send some elderly retiree's entire life savings." --Jay Leno

"Congratulations to the Italian people for winning the World Cup. They won after France's best player got ejected for headbutting. That's the closest anyone in a French uniform has come to combat in 60 years." --Jay Leno

"The annual G8 summit of the wealthiest nations gets underway tomorrow. Officials say this year the hardest part will be keeping the leader of France from head butting the leader of Italy." --Conan O'Brien

"This week Geraldo Rivera went to Philadelphia to investigate what he says was a plot to kill him. So far, Geraldo has narrowed down the suspects to anyone who owns a television." --Conan O'Brien

It was so hot in New York today that Bill Clinton climbed in bed with Hilary to chill off! - David Letterman

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -Rita Rudner

Two gay Canadian Mounties were married to each other. They gave new meaning to the term "mounted police." -Jim Barach

How to know if you’re gay - THIS IS THE CODE:
1. If you are over 30 and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and rather you've been sucking-off the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a flaaaayming fag. A cat is like a dog, but gay: it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog, "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're the poster boy for GAY.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby-pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks bar-b-q ribs, crab-claws, raw oysters, craw-fish guts, pickled pigs feet, or titties. Anything else and you are in training to suck El-Dicko and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you're in a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop-chute. Coffee is to be had strong, black (or with thick, wholesome milk) and full-aroma. A pussy-eating man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a dick there too.
6. If you know more than six names of colours or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NHL, NFL, NBA, college ball, PGA, and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fresier" is, you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious!
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it...you hungry for meat-popsicle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the motherfucker off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat his hamburger, hold his beer, finger the beotch in the passenger seat (whoever she happens to be), or, if he's Latino, talk on his cell-phone.
8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous sonnez le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they flame out too quickly.So follow the rules and beware...or keep that shit to yourself, you flaming faggot!

What’s the difference between a straight rodeo and a gay rodeo? At a straight rodeo they yell, `Ride them suckers!'.

I never realised just how high the cost of medicine had become until I got a new prescription that says, "Take one capsule as often as you can afford it."

One day, some researchers were doing a "boxers or briefs" survey. They went to a 25 year old man and asked, "Boxers or briefs? He said briefs. They went to a 40 year old man and asked, "Boxers or briefs? He said boxers. Then they went up to a 80 year old man and asked, "Boxers or briefs? And the old man replied, "Depends."

Did you know that the author of the book "Joy of Sex" died? Yeah, it was after a series of strokes.

Oldie Goldie:
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step off the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot on their foreheads. We in the west have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion. This has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Ottawa. When one of these women gets married, she brings with her, a dowry. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the red spot to see if he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a doughnut shop or a motel in Canada. If he gets a 'SORRY, PLEASE TRY AGAIN', he is destined to a lifetime of driving taxi.

With such a dearth of anti-conservative humour around, it must be time they get their revenge on us bleeding-heart liberals (while this is ostensibly an American piece, with a few name changes to protect the guilty this can apply equally to us Canucks):
TOPIC: 22 WAYS TO BE A GOOD LIBERAL
1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.
2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean Communists.
4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.
5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV's.
6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.
7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th-graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.
10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make The Passion Of The Christ for financial gain only.
12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, Thomas Edison and A.G. Bell.
15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.
16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice person.
17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.
18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.
19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese Government is somehow in the best interest to the United States.
21. You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right wing conspiracy.
22. You have to believe that it's okay to give Federal workers Christmas Day off but it's not okay to say "Merry Christmas."

I was talking to an old friend of mine yesterday who had just turned 55. When I asked what his wife gave him, he replied, "Same old thing, a pair of socks and a piece of ass--neither of which fit."

A study published in "Neurology" says people who snore are more prone to getting headaches. No reason is given. But could it be on account of their spouses hitting them in the head all night long trying to get them to stop snoring?

It's hard to kiss the lips at night that chew your ass out all day long.

A woman with an unexplained nasty cough and high fever which had persisted and baffled doctors for 6 months finally found relief when doctors discovered that her malady was caused by a condom embedded in one her lungs that she apparently inhaled while performing oral sex. Sometimes safe sex really leaves you breathless.

How do you make a dog drink? Put it in a blender.

What does a cow with no lips say? Ooooooooo

And now, some dry English humour:
A troop of French Foreign Legionaries were marching through the desert. They had been marching for days, their water supply had run out, and they were on the brink of collapse. And then suddenly, as they staggered over the crest of a large sand dune, they came upon a sight that brought relief to them all - a market place, spread out over the desert. Rows of colourful stalls, with their banners flapping in the breeze. The legionaries were delighted. Filled with an extra surge of energy, they ran down the dune to the market. Arriving at the first stall, they begged the stall-holder for water. "I'm sorry," says the stall-holder, "all I have are these delicious puddings made from jelly and sponge and with a cream topping sprinkled with hundreds and thousands." Not to be deterred, the troops move on to the next stall, pleading for water. "Sorry, but I only have these bowls of pudding, made from jelly and sponge," says the man behind the counter. The legionaries move on, but as they look down the rows of stalls, they can see that every single stall is selling exactly the same thing, and as they move along, asking for water, they get the same response every time. Finally, one of the stall-holders takes pity on them, and tells them about an oasis not far away, so they leave the market, and head for the oasis. As they're leaving, one of the legionaries turns to his partner, and says "Hmmm. That was a trifle bazaar."

At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth recently, the Aussie Prime Minister John Howard, ardent royalist and general arse kisser, turned to the Queen and said: "As I'm the Prime Minister, I'm thinking of changing how my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom." The Queen replied, "I'm sorry Mr. Howard, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King." John Howard thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?" To which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Howard." Howard thought long and hard and came up with, "How about an Empire then?" The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied: "Sorry again, Mr. Howard, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge and you are not an Emperor." Before Howard could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."

An American friend of mine was bothered by the suggestion that there should be a Spanish version of the National Anthem as a gesture to the huge Latino population. Here’s his take.”There may be those among you who support a Spanish national anthem. I for one am dead set against it. We should preserve the sanctity of the English language. To all those schlemiels and schlimazels, nebbishes, nudniks, klutzes, putzes, schlubs, schmos, schmucks, nogoodniks, and momzers that happen to be lurking out there in the crowd. I just wanted to say that I get sentimental when I think about English and its place in our society. To tell the truth, it makes me so verklempt I'm fit to plotz. That's why this whole schmeer gets me so baroyges when I hear these mavens and luftmenschen kvetching about it as our national language. What chutzpah! These schmegegees can schlep their schlock about the cultural and linguistic diversity of our country and of English itself, but I, for, one am not buying their shtick. It's all so much dreck, as far as I'm concerned. I exhort you all to be Menschen about this and stand up to their fardraytearguments and meshugganah farschtunkene assertions. It wouldn't be kosher to do anything else. Remember, when all is said and done, we have English and they have bubkes.