Friday Funnies December 15 06

"Earlier in the week, NASA announced plans to establish a manned base on the moon. President Bush was quick to point out, 'We're only going to stay on the moon until the moon people are able to govern themselves. ... President Bush also suggested waiting until there was a full moon, so there would be more places to land.'" --Jay Leno

"Exciting news from the White House. Vice President Dick Cheney's daughter, Mary, who is a lesbian, is pregnant. I think President Bush is a little confused about the big news. He immediately called the Lebanese Ambassador to pass on his congratulations." --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter, Mary, and her partner, Heather Poe, announced they are going to have a baby. After hearing this, President Bush pointed to Heather and said, 'Wait, she's not a dude' ... and then went back to reading Harry Potter." --Conan O'Brien

Actually George didn’t think Cheney’s daughter is on good terms with her father ‘cause he heard she doesn’t like dick!

"Today is December 7th, the 65th anniversary of Pearl Harbor. Or as President Bush refers to it, 'The day that will live in the infirmary.'" --Conan O'Brien

African American Representative Charles Rangel (Dem. N.Y.) when asked what he thought of President George W. Bush replied, “Well, I really think he shatters the myth of white supremacy once and for all!”

Some timely thoughts from Yasha:
Friends, Chileans, Human Beings. I come not to praise Pinochet, but to stomp on his freshly dug grave and disrespect his life's "work". And I do so with the aid and support of millions of Chileans who justifiably hated him.Augusto Pinochet, the Chilean who took power on September 11, 1973, and ran his dictatorship for two decades while strengthening Chile's economy, killing, torturing, and kidnapping thousands upon thousands of his fellow countrymen, has died. Kicked the bucket. Gone on to meet his maker. He was 91. Thank goodness he didn't make it to 92. It took Pinochet 33 Years and 3 Months from the time he seized control of Chile, until the day his country would bury him. What a gigantic waste of life and time. Sadly, there are still those who lavish praise and respect unto this mass killer, even within his own country. Today, we mock and taunt and jeer at his supporters. We hope those ignoble fools suffer these slings and arrows of outrageous fortune! Theirs is a bygone age, whose legacy will be marred and grow darker in time. We were going to remain tasteful and refrain from taking stabs at his dead and now decomposing corpse, yet to let his head rest in peace after his life of unanswered crimes against humanity, would be unthinkable to us. It is our firmly held view that a bit of rough laughs at the expense of this now dead murderous dictator are indeed called for. Dictators Deserve Derision. So without further ado, here's our parting adieu to Augusto Pinochet.

Q: What's the most popular bitter bloody drink in Chile today? A: PINOcheT Noir
Q: How do you spell 'Macabre' in Spanish? A: P-I-N-O-C-H-E-T
Q: What are Pinochet and Arafat doing in Hell today? A: Betting on what time Fidel Castro will arrive.
Q: Why did Augusto Pinochet dress in Nazi-SS inspired uniforms? A: He accidentally hired a fascist advisor instead of a fashion advisor.
Q: What's the other best part of "the terrible secrets Pinochet took to his grave?" A: Finally, Pinochet took to his grave.

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost." God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!" But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam." The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

Apparently Paul McCartney was very happy to have a large number of family photos returned to him after they were found in a garbage dump. No one knows how the many photos of Paul with his late wife Linda and even some (including naked ones) of his ex-wife Heather Mills got there. It is assumed that the pics of Heather were so well preserved because they were on jpegs.

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be 'North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there). He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if she gives milk and when he grabs the teat, and pulls, the cow farts. Ole is very surprised. He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home. When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens." Sven reaches under, pulls the teat - and the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?" Ole isvery surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?" Sven says, "My wife is from Nordakota."

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?" She was a little taken back, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!!"

Oldie Goldie
Two hillbillies are in a bar talking about their moonshine operation over a shot of whiskey when suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent hat she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no."Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly starts licking her butt. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

Jackie Mason's Response to Spanish Speakers
There may be those among you who support including Spanish in our national language. I for one am 110% against this! We must preserve the exclusivity and, above all, the purity of the English language.To all the shlemiels, shlemazels, nebbishes, nudniks, klutzes, putzes, shlubs, shmoes, shmucks, nogoodniks, and momzers that are out there pushing Spanish, I just want to say that I, for one, believe that English and only English deserves linguistic prominence in our American culture. To tell the truth, it makes me so farklempt, I'm fit to plotz. This whole Spanish schmeer gets me broyges, specially when I hear these erstwhile mavens and luftmenschen kvetching about needing to learn Spanish. What chutzpah! These shmegeges can tout their shlock about the cultural and linguistic diversity of our country, but I, for one, am not buying their shtick. It's all so much dreck, as far as I'm concerned. I exhort you all to be menshen about this and stand up to their fardrayte arguments and meshugganah, farshtunkene assertions. It wouldn't be kosher to do anything else. Remember, when all is said and done, we have English and they've got bubkes! The whole myseh is a pain in my tuchas!

It was Black Friday, the day of the big after Thanksgiving sale. The ads were full of exciting bargains, and so the long line formed at 5:00 am for the store opening at 6:00. A small Jewish man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back by the Gentiles in line, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line..."That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

Gracie Allen's Classic Recipe for Roast Beef
1 large Roast of beef
1 small Roast of beef
Take the two roasts and put them in the oven. When the little one burns, the big one is done.

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."