Friday Funnies February 9 07

A correction from Nick holidaying in South Africa who would have you know that what was labeled ‘Kiwi humour’ in last week’s funnies was actually material from the late English comedian Tommy Cooper. I stand up corrected.

"President Bush has a plan. He says that if we need to, we can lower the temperature dramatically just by switching from Fahrenheit to Celsius" --Jimmy Kimmel, on fighting global warming

"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?" - Jay Leno

"Fidel Castro appeared on Cuban television today to show that he's still alive. It's the same thing Joan Rivers does every year at the Oscars." --Jay Leno

"The Mayor of San Francisco, Gavin Newsom, has apologized for having an affair with the wife of his campaign manager. To be fair, he's not the first guy in San Francisco to have sex behind someone's back. ... He also stated this will not stop him from seeking re-election. Good luck trying to find another campaign manager." --Jay Leno

"According to a new U.N. report, the global warming outlook is much worse than originally predicted. Which is pretty bad when they originally predicted it would destroy the planet." --Jay Leno

"According to a new study, over 18 million American men currently suffer from erectile dysfunction. And doctors say that number could double if Hillary gets elected" --Jay Leno

"The report on climate change said that humans are very likely making the planet warmer. To which Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, can't blame me for that one.'" --Jay Leno

"This female astronaut ... tried to kidnap and murder another NASA engineer, who was her romantic rival. She put on a wig and attacked the other woman with pepper spray and a BB gun, after driving 900 miles from Houston to Orlando, Florida, in diapers, so she wouldn't have to stop to pee. She drove 900 miles wearing diapers, thus breaking the old record set by Larry King." --Jay Leno

"It turns out the female astronaut was trying to kidnap the other woman because they're both in love with the same astronaut. The male astronaut was disappointed the female astronaut was arrested and said, 'I was hoping to get some tang.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This week at a fashion show in Rome, a line of dresses were introduced that feature huge pictures of Hillary Clinton's face. When he heard this, Bill Clinton said, 'Finally, Hillary's face on another woman's body.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger is in trouble after tapes surfaced of him saying negative things about other Republicans. Actually, the Schwarzenegger tapes surfaced last year, but they weren't deciphered until this week." --Conan O'Brien

Which Search Engine does Arnold Schwarzenegger use? Alta Vista baby.

What happened when Batman and Robin got run over by a steam roller? They became Flatman and Ribbon!

Why did Beethoven kill his chicken? It kept saying "Bach, Bach, Bach..."

Two American tourists were driving through Nova Scotia. As they were approaching Shubenacadde (shoe-been-aack-id-dee),they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?" Would you please pronounce where we are... ver-r-ry slo-o-owly.” The blonde waitress leaned over the counter and says "Tiiimmmmm Hoorrrrttoooonnns"

Weekly Grocery Lists for Ennis Del Mar and Jack Twist, Brokeback Mountain, Summer, 1963:
WEEK ONE
* Beans
* Bacon
* Coffee
* Whiskey

WEEK TWO
* Beans
* Ham
* Coffee
* Whiskey

WEEK THREE
* Beans al fresca
* Thin-sliced Bacon* Hazelnut Coffee
* Sky vodka & Tanqueray gin
* K-Y gel

WEEK FOUR
* Beans en salade
* Pancetta
* Coffee (espresso grind)
* 5-6 bottles best Chardonnay
* 2 tubes K-Y gel

WEEK FIVE
* Fresh Fava beans
* Jasmine rice
* Prosciutto, approx. 8 ounces, thinly sliced
* Medallions of veal
* Porcini mushrooms
* 1/2 pint of heavy whipping cream
* 1 Cub Scout uniform, size 42 long
* 5-6 bottles French Bordeaux (Estate Reserve)
* 1 extra large bottle Astro-glide

WEEK SIX
* Yukon Gold potatoes
* Heavy whipping cream
* Asparagus (very thin)
* Organic Eggs
* Spanish Lemons
* Gruyere cheese (well aged)
* Crushed Walnuts
* Arugula
* Clarified Butter
* Extra Virgin Olive oil
* Pure Balsamic vinegar
* 6 yards white silk organdy
* 6 yards pale ivory taffeta
* 3 Cases of Dom Perignon Masters Reserve
* Large tin Crisco

An attorney got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he got through the door, his wife started on him "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" He replied “Nag, nag nag!” He poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub but he was pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks of his wife. He mumbled under his breath, “Nag, nag, nag!” While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news right away. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's' rear end as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. He turned to his wife and whined, "Nag, nag, nag!"

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dogs and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog ... Duh! I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said no ... I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me. I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1st, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music". Here are the lyrics she used:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up with strings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,When the bones creak,When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food, or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is 'thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache,When the hips break,When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,And then I don't feel so bad.

Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes.
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.