Friday Funnies September 14 07

"While he was in Australia, President Bush accidentally referred to Australian troops as Austrian troops. And he called it the OPEC summit instead of APEC summit. Even though he made a lot of mistakes ... he still got a congratulatory phone call from Miss Teen South Carolina." --Jay Leno

"Did you know, when President Bush is in Australia, his approval rating goes down the drain counter-clockwise?" --Jay Leno

"I heard something interesting today. After he leaves office, George W. Bush is going to start a think tank. That's right, it's like Michael Vick opening an animal shelter. Yeah, the George Bush think tank: it only has a shallow end." --David Letterman

"It seems there is a website that ranks men's rooms across the country for sex. ... This is true, the one that Senator Craig got caught in at the Minneapolis airport is Minnesota's number one cruising restroom for gay sex. See, all those times you thought those long lines were for security" --Jay Leno

"In Idaho, restroom enthusiast Senator Larry Craig, he said he will resign. ... He said he enjoyed being in Washington and he'll miss his colleagues on both sides of the stall." --Jay Leno

After announcing last week that he was going to resign from the Senate, Idaho Senator Larry Craig, you know, the restroom enthusiast, says he may change his mind and not resign. First he's going to resign, now he's not going. Why can't the guy just be straight with us?" --Jay Leno

"Apparently he came to this decision because Senator Arlen Specter is coming out in his defense. So his family is coming out for him, Arlen Specter is coming out for him. The only one not coming out is him." --Jay Leno

"First he pleaded guilty to soliciting in the men's room, then he said he wasn't guilty. Then he said he was resigning, and now he is going back on that. Even John Kerry's going, 'make up your mind.'" --Jay Leno

"Have you heard the latest on men's room enthusiast, Senator Larry Craig? ... He has taken back his guilty plea. ... He's changed it to just curious. ... Have you heard his defense? ... Senator Craig now says his arrest has to be overturned because under the Constitution -- and this is true -- a senator cannot be arrested on his way to or from the Capitol if they are on official business. So apparently, he was striking a blow for freedom." --Jay Leno

"It's kind of ironic. The whole time he was copping a feel, he was actually feeling a cop." --Jay Leno

Some tenor jokes in honour of the late great Luciano Pavarotti:

Pavarotti arrives at the pearly gates. St Peter opens them and says 'Oh it's you Luciano, come on in - squeeze through'. Pavarotti says 'Hold on, I've got an envelope for you. It's from the Pope.' St Peter opens it up and reads it. ‘HERE'S THAT TENOR I OWE YOU'

What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor? About 10 pounds.

Ever hear the one about the tenor who was so off-key that even the other tenors could tell?

How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb? Six. One to do it, and five to say, "It's too high for him."

How do you tell if a tenor is dead? The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched.

Where is a tenor's resonance? Where his brain should be.

How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid?. When the other tenors notice.

How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb? None - he thinks it's the accompanist's job.

How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb? Four: One to change the bulb and three to complain that they could have done it if they had the high notes.

Why was the tenor buried twenty feet beneath the earth? Because DEEP DOWN he's a nice guy.

What does it mean when a tenor drools out of both sides of his mouth? The stage is level
.
How do you save a tenor from drowning?. Take your foot off of his head.

What's the definition of a male quartet? Three men and a tenor.

What's the musical definition of a half-step? Two tenors singing in unison.

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services." Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset. Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely, Bill Clinton

RED NECK PICKUP LINES
Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.
Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.
My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.
Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out.
Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in'em.
If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.
I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer " bed-rock."
I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
Yer eyes are as blue & pretty as window cleaner.
If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
Yer face reminds me of a wrench, .....every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

A young fellow had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son. 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car.' The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it. After about three month his father said, 'Son, I'm proud of you. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut.' The young man paused a moment then said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.' To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'

A Scotsman walking through a field sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand. The Scotsman shouts " Awa ye feel hoor that's full O coos Sharn (Translation - Don't drink the water, it's full of cow shit.) The man shouts back, "I'm English, speak English, I don't understand you.” The Scotsman replies, "Use both hands, you'll get more in."

When the light changed, Maurice stepped off the curb and started to cross the street. He had to jump backward when an SUV almost hit him. The woman inside calmed the nine kids she was transporting from the soccer match. Then she asked Maurice if he was okay. "Lady!" he yelled. "Don't you know when to stop?" She yelled back, "They're not all mine!"

This guy walks into a psychiatrist's office. "Doc," he says, "I'm worried. It's that dream. I'm having it again." "What dream?" asked the shrink. "You know, the one where I'm into sadism and bestiality and necrophilia. Should I be worried or am I just beating a dead horse?"

Nursery rhymes - not quite the way you remember them.
Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her Thighs

Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front
but she didn't wear that one very often.

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept up beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Simple Simon met a Pieman,going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,Pies, you dickhead.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
said "Fuck him, He's only an egg.

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's ass
and turned it's wool to nylon

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot her pill
and now they have a son.

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent overRover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.

Little Boy Blew.Hey.
He needed the money.

Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother. "Charlie Brown showed me his willy today!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small was it?" Sally replied, "No...salty!"

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it. The next day, he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo!! He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes that she won't notice. A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother. It said, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle. It makes your nose look too short!
Love, Grandma"

THINGS OVERHEARD ON NOAH'S ARK......
10. "Did anyone think about bringing a couple of Umbrellas?"
9. "Hey, there are more than two flies in here!"
8. "Wasn't someone supposed to put two shovels on board?"
7. "OK, who's the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on Board?"
6. "Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!"
5. "Don't Make Me Pull This Ark Over And Come Back There!"
4. "No Ham, you cannot eat the Pig!"
3. "And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out."
2. "Nice Doggie!"AND THE NUMBER ONE THING OVERHEARD ON NOAH'S ARK.....
1. "Are We There Yet?"

How The Jews Invented Golf
From way back it has long been thought that the game of golf originated in Scotland in the 15th century. Recently uncovered evidence indicates that this sport actually began in eastern Europe and for many years was enjoyed by the Jews of the area. Stories passed down from generation to generation told of Moses and Aaron and their famous Desert Classic, which endured for 40 years. This great tradition was re-born many years later in the fields and forests of eastern Europe.A shepherd, Velvel Gross, passed the time by hitting pebbles with his shepherd's crook. ; The number of times he hit the stones became known as Gross Score. He eventually decided to lay out an actual course by utilizing adjacent farmers' properties. The playing area consisted of 18 segments - the number chosen to represent the Hebrew symbol Chai, meaningLife. The game could then be played by Wednesday golfers as nine holes (half-Chai), regular golfers as 18 holes (Chai), enthusiasts and fitness-freaks as 27 holes (Chai-and-a-half), and with the wives during mixed play (double-Chai). The putting surface was named after Moishe Green, because the shortest grass was found on his property. The search for durable projectiles (which could sustain repeated strikes with wooden sticks) led to the Rebbetzin's kitchen, where her dimpled matzo balls were the clear-cut winners. They came in 90 or 100 compression and were vigorously tested by a mechanical arm called Iron Myron. Parva, or Par, meaning neither here nor there, was t he number of shots allocated to each hole. Faivel the Sissy scored the first recorded Birdie, as onlookers shouted, 'Not bad for a Faygelah!' The Eagle was so named for Adler the Schtarker, who scored the first amazing two-under-par! Soon courses sprang up all over the land with such exotic names as Knobble Beach , Grieven Valley , Seder Brook and the two richest clubs: Chelm Ridge and Chai Ridge. This particular group was known as The Haymishe Five. Membership in these clubs provided many diverse activities. Tournaments such as Blintzes and Schnapps and Beat the Czar (which was a shotgun) were organized.A committee of men was responsible for the many rules and regulations that all were required to observe. Men's and women's facilities were strictly segregated according to Jewish law. A dress code was rigidly enforced, in spite of the women's insistence on the right to bare arms. Shortly thereafter, the top golfers in the land emerged and formed the PGA, also known as the Polish Galitzianer Association.
And that, boys and girls, is the story of how the Jews invented golf!

I always knew that while nine Jews are very nice, ten are needed for a minyan, and when the tenth arrives everyone beams. I just learned that the eleventh can be equally important. At morning services recently, when the eleventh entered, a man by the door said, "Thank goodness." The eleventh arrival responded, "You had a minyan already." The other man said, "You have the honour of making the 'pisher' so now I can leave to go to the bathroom!"

Rosh Hashana is a time to pause and reflect.
It is a time to make New Year's resolutions.
It is a time when we resolve to be more appreciative of life's most meaningful values.
It is a time when, without undue self-criticism, we vow to be better people in the coming year.
It is a time to let go of grudges.
It is a time when we commit to greater consideration of others.
It is a time to move forward on our journeys with a more positive attitude.
It is a time to focus on caring for family and friends, Jews and non-Jews alike.
It is a time to extend best wishes for good health, happiness, and fun in the coming year.