Friday Funnies June 15 07

"There seems to be tension between President Bush and Russian President Vladimir Putin. Again, President Bush thinks this is good. He thinks a new Cold War could help end global warming." --Jay Leno

"The Democratic congressman from Louisiana, William Jefferson -- you know, the guy who was caught with $90,000 in his freezer -- has been indicted on 16 corruption charges. That's William Jefferson. Now don't confuse him with his wife, Weezy." --Jay Leno

Congratulations to the Anaheim Ducks. They won the Stanley Cup Championship. I believe this is the biggest victory for ducks since Dick Cheney shot that lawyer in the face." --Jay Leno

"After serving only three days of her prison sentence, Paris Hilton has been let out of jail. When asked about it, Paris said, 'Usually I'm not a fan of premature release.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The country's obsessed with Paris Hilton's three days in jail. ... In fact, Paris' time in prison is already being made into a movie called 'The Rawskank Redemption'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday at the G8 Summit, President Bush had a meeting with rockstar Bono. There was an awkward moment when Bush praised Bono and his band 'YouTube.'" --Conan O'Brien

"According to the Boston Herald, observers are saying that Hillary Clinton looks like she's had some work done. In fact, she has changed her appearance so much in the last year, at one of the campaign rallies, Clinton accidentally hit on her." --Jay Leno

"In a forum for Democratic candidates, Hillary Clinton said her faith in God got her through her husband's infidelity. She didn't say which one, but it got her through. ... She said faith and prayers kept her in her marriage. That and her ambition to be senator and president." --Jay Leno

"Actor and former Senator Fred Thompson, who left the TV show 'Law & Order,' has yet to announce he's running for president but he's already third in the polls among Republicans. Isn't that amazing? He leaves NBC, and his ratings automatically go up." --Jay Leno

"Do you realize if Fred Thompson runs against Hillary Clinton, it'll be 'Law & Order' versus 'Cold Case'?" --Jay Leno

"Leaders from the eight wealthiest countries in the world are gathering in Germany for what they call the G8 Summit. The G8 was created in 1975 to give Europeans who aren't into soccer something to riot about. ... President Bush is there. See, I don't think President Bush really understands the G8. ... Every time someone says G8, he yells out, 'Bingo.'" --Jay Leno

"A low-level researcher at Yale University has been arrested for a scam he was running out of the Yale Law library. The guy claimed to be a lawyer and was charging illegal immigrants $5,000 a piece to get a greencard. They say this is the biggest scam pulled off at Yale since, I guess, George Bush got his diploma" --Jay Leno

"Scooter Libby has been sentenced to 30 months in prison ... even though he is a good friend of Vice President Dick Cheney. Hey, he got off easy. Cheney's other friends got shot in the face." --Jay Leno

"Scooter Libby, former aid to Vice President Cheney, was sentenced to 30 months in prison. Afterwards, Scooter said, 'I just hope I have the chance to clear my incredibly stupid name.'" --Conan O'Brien

This week we celebrate a special birthday. Monica Lewinsky turned 31. Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth. They grow up so fast, don't they?“

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today” - Peter J. Lawrence (ditto for meteorologist)

PUNS – some old some new:
* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
* We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U C L A.
* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground ..
* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
* What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
* A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
* Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
* A backward poet writes inverse.

Basketball Jokes

"He's great on the court," a sportswriter said of a college basketball player in a interview with his coach. "But's how's his scholastic work?" "Why, he makes straight A's," replied the coach. "Wonderful!" said the sportswriter. "Yes," agreed the coach, "but his B's are a little crooked."

The captain of a team says to the ref, "My coach wants to know if there is a penalty for thinking." The ref says, "No." The captain says, "Well then, my coach thinks you're a jerk."

As two NBA basketball referees walked through the countryside, they noticed some tracks. The first ref said, "Deer tracks?" The second ref said "No, bear tracks." However, the conversation ended abruptly when a train hit them.

Q: How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb?A: Only one. But he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it.

A desperate but not-so-bright down-and-out basketball star tried to rob a convenience store in his own neighborhood.The owner of the store instantly recognized the six-foot-plus basketball star neighbor despite his pathetic attempt to wear a mask. The owner said, "Joe, don't do this, okay?" The player/robber replied, "Naw, it ain't me, man. It ain't me."

Redneck Medical Dictionary:
A menstrual cycle - has three wheels
Asphalt - describes rectal problems
Spread eagle - an extinct bird
Vagina - a medical term used to describe a heart attack
The clitoris - a type of flower
G-string - a part of a fiddle
Semen - a term for sailors
Anus – a Latin term for yearly
Testicles – found on an octopus
Pubic hare - a wild rabbit
KOTEX - a radio station in Cincinnati
Masturbate - used to catch large fish
Coitus - a musical instrument
Fetus - a character on Gunsmoke
Umbilical cord - part of a parachute
Condom – a large apartment complex
Orgasm - person who accompanies the church choir
Diaphragm - a drawing in geometry
Dildo - a variety of sweet pickle
Erection - when Japanese people vote
Lesbian - a person from the Middle East
Sodomy - a special land of fast growing grass
Pornography - the business of making records
Genitals - people of non-Jewish origin
Douche - the French word for twelve

A doctor in Newfoundland was taking the day off work to go hunting, so he told his assistant Paddy to take over. Returning the following day he asks,"So, Paddy, how was your day?" Paddy told him he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache.” The doc says, So what did you do?” Paddy says, “I gave him TYLENOL." "Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doc. "The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX" says Paddy. "Bravo! You're good at this. And what about the third one?" asks the doc. "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'" "Tunderin' lard Jesus Paddy, what did you do?" asks the doc. Paddy proudly replies,"I put drops in her eyes."

Laying in bed are a chicken and an egg. The sheets on the bed are mussed and there has obviously been some heavy breathing here recently. The egg is kicked back leaning against a pillow and smoking a cigarette with a look of utter satisfaction on his face. The chicken however is staring up at the ceiling and suddenly says out loud to no one in particular, "Well, I guess that settles that question once and for all."

Top Ten Caddie Replies . . .
10. Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
9. Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
8. Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
7. Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?
Caddy: "Eventually."
6. Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
5. Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
4. Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
3. Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
2. Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago . "
And the # 1 Best Caddy Comment . . . . .
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old . "
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.

If you are over 50:
Q: Where can women over the age of 50 find young, sexy men, who are interested in them?A: Try a bookstore under fiction
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where do 50+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?A: Their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores?A: "I remember these"

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.