Friday Funnies April 11 07

"Vice President Cheney made a surprise visit to Iraq today. Great. The one place we need him firing off his gun, he doesn't bring it." --Jay Leno

"The price of oil fell to $1.26 a barrel. It went down. In fact, that's why Cheney is in the Mideast ... to find out what went wrong." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney is on his tour of the Middle East. Over there, he's very popular. He's known as 'Lawrence of Arrhythmia'" --David Letterman

"Earlier today at the White House, President Bush met with Queen Elizabeth II. There was an awkward moment when Bush called her 'Queen Elizabeth the Sequel.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The Washington Post reports that Senator Hillary Clinton is trying to win the Democratic nomination by reaching out to women. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'Oh sure, when she does it, it's okay.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The first Republican debate was held at the Reagan Presidential Library. The candidates tried to distance themselves from President Bush. Apparently, the first step in distancing yourself from President Bush is appearing at a library."--Conan O'Brien

"My favorite part of the debate was when Chris Matthews asked, 'Who does not believe in evolution?' And Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee and Tom Tancredo all raised their paw. ... They said they do not believe in evolution. Then they said the biggest threat to America is religious radicals living in the Dark Ages. " --Jay Leno

"Because of Barack Obama's immense popularity, he has already been given Secret Service protection. ... Poor Joe Biden. Did you see what he got? A can of a mace and a pen knife." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton, as a former first lady, already has a Secret Service detail. And, of course, Bill Clinton never travels without protection" --Bill Maher

"Here's the latest scandal in Washington: ... They say on '20/20' this week, the D.C. madam is going to list the names of famous Republicans who used her female escort service. ... That shows you the fundamental philosophical differences between the two parties. Bush Republicans believe in having the private sector provide sex for profit. Whereas, Clinton Democrats believe it should be a big give-away program." --Jay Leno

"It looks like a lot of politicians' careers will be ruined when this Washington madam releases the names on her client list. President Bush's Deputy Secretary of State Randall Tobias has already resigned because he was a customer. He claims he just got a massage, but no sex. I think that was called 'The Married Guy Special.'" --Jay Leno

"The DC madam says that when she's releasing these names, she's not doing it for political reasons. She says she does not have a political bone in her body. At least not today." --Jay Leno

"Tobias was the guy who Bush put in charge of promoting abstinence ... and chastity in places like the Mideast. He was also the CEO of the company that makes Cialis. ... So, it sounds like he was caught between Iraq and a hard place" --Jay Leno

"I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me." - Monica Lewinsky, on CNN's Larry King Live discussing her miraculous Jenny Craig weight-loss.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

A man celebrating his one hundredth birthday was asked to what he attributed his long life. The man thoughtfully replied, "Well, I suppose it must be because I was born such a long time ago."

A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of this house and the man who answers it says,"Well, you two are awful cute. Who are you supposed to be?" "We're Jack and Jill" the girl replied. The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!" They go off and a while later they come back dressed differently. They ring the door bell and once again and the man opens the door. "Well now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this time?" "We're Hansel and Gretel" says the little boy. "Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and Gretel because you're black!" ! says the man. Heads hung low, the kids leave. Not too much later the man hears the bell ring again. This time when he opens the door there stand the two children but this time they are BUTT NAKED. "Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?" he asks. "Chocolate M & M's," said the little girl. "I'm plain. He's got nuts."

My husband, the ‘handyman’, decided life would be easier if he wired a new light switch in the master bedroom to save us from fumbling in the dark for the lamp. He made the drywall cut and was delighted to find a stash of old magazines and an array of bottles and small boxes inside the wall. "Honey!" he called excitedly. "Come see what I found!" I ran in and quickly realized that his next task would be to fix the hole that now led into the back of our medicine cabinet.

My wife has a little manoeuvre she likes to use when she wants me to do something around the house that I don't want to do, OR she wants to buy something. She takes her top off, comes into my room, spins me around in my chair, and rubs her boobs in my face. Then she gets what she wants. This, gentlemen, is known as the booby trap.

My wife was helping me install a new computer program, and at the appropriate point in the process, she said I would now need to enter a password, something I’d remember and use to log on. In a playful mood, I entered ‘P E N I S’. I thought she was going to pee her pants with laughter when the computer replied, PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.

I just got home from a stay in a new private hospital with all the bells and whistles. It was great! They had a food nurse who gave you food. They had a drug nurse who gave you drugs. They had a coffee nurse who gave you coffee. But my favourite by far was the head nurse...

A guy walks into a gas station and buys a pack of cigarettes. He pulls one out and starts smoking it. The cashier says, "Excuse me sir, but you can't smoke in here." The guy says, "Don't you think it's kinda dumb that I buy them here but can't smoke them here?" And the cashier replies, "Not at all... we also sell condoms."

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed" she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

A blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. tee-shirt. "Why are you wearing a Thank God it's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?" "Oh crap!" she says, "I thought it meant Tits Go In Front."

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!" She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!" The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him: "I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!"

When does a woman care for a man's company? When he owns it.

QUESTION:Where do the characters go when I use the backspace or deleted on my PC?
ANSWER:If you must know, the characters can go to different places, depending on whom you ask:
1) The Catholic's approach to characters:The nice characters go to character heaven, where life is good. The characters are bathed in the light of happiness, all their troubles are soothed, and there's not a delete key, eraser, or white-out bottle in sight. Most of the nice characters are A's and I's, those that have never been, er, involved with other characters. Often, you'll see A's or I's with N's or T's. These are characters in love: monogamous on the page, together again after deletion. You'll see quite a few Q's too. They seem to feel particularly guilty for no good reason. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. In case you were wondering what the difference between a nice character and a naughty character is, I'll tell you. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex," "objectivity," and depending upon usage, words such as "feminism,""reproductive freedom," "contraception," and "science." You may ask, and rightly so, why the characters are blamed for the words they assemble, when in fact they are not responsible for their own configuration. But we feel that a character has an obligation to oppose any naughtiness in its own configuration. If it truly felt guilty about the word it was forming, it would rebel.

2) The Buddhist Explanation:If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, lower-case letters will become upper-case, and the most righteous and good of letters will become C's. Why C, you ask? Who knows, but C it is! If a character's karma is not so good, then it will move down the above scale, ultimately becoming the lowest of characters, a space.

3) The 20th Century bitter cynical nihilist explanation:Who cares? All characters are the same, swirling in a vast sea of meaningless nothingness. It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same. More characters should delete themselves. (nihilist characters are easy to identify. They're usually pale and tragic, and they smoke a lot.)

4) The Mac user's explanation:All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hell also.

5) Stephen King's explanation:Every time you hit the 'del'key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!

6) Dave Barry's explanation:The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not as flammable. I'm not making any of this up.

7) IBM's explanation:The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.

8) PETA's Explanation:You've been DELETING them? Can't you hear them SCREAMING? Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!

‘The Number 23’

Recently fired from his 35+ years of nationally syndicated radio and tv talk shows, John Donald "Don" Imus, Jr. was born July 23, 1940. 23, right there in the middle of his birth date. Don't tell Jim Carrey.

Louis XVI, King of the French, born August 23, 1754. Once again, a 23 baby. And Louis famously stated "Apres Moi, le deluge." ("After me, the deluge"). Don't tell Jim Carrey.

William Shakespeare was born on April 23, 1564. Did you get that? The Bard was born on the 23rd. Don't Tell Jim Carrey!

William Shakespeare died on April 23, 1616. That's right. He was not only born on a 23rd. The greatest writer of English died on a 23rd as well. Oh. My. Goodness! Don't Tell Jim CARREY!

Gov. Jon S. Corzine has voluntarily paid a $46 fine for violating state law by not having a seat belt on during a car crash that left him seriously injured, his spokesman said. 46 is twice 23. Don't tell Jim Carrey. If you do, he'll find a way to make it compelling enough to get you to go see his movie, ‘The Number 23’.

Earl and Bubba, two good ol boys from Dixie, are quietly sittin in a boat fishin, chewin an drinkin sweet tea when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months." Earl spits, sips his tea and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find.

Sadie beckoned to a salesman in Bergdorf Goodman's, pointed to a white wool designer dress on a mannequin, and said, "Hey Sonny boy, so how much is the dress on that store dummy over there?" "That dress is $899.95, Madam," sneered the rather snotty salesman. "Oh! For $99.95, I could get the same dress at S. Klein's downtown!" "But Madam," said the salesman, "You'll find that the dress at Klein's is recycled wool. This original is 100% pure virgin wool." Sadie replied, "So! For $800, I should be caring what the lambs do at night?"

Sitting in the waiting room of a dentist, a middle aged woman notices his diploma with his name Howard Allen and thinks, wow, I wonder if that’s the same handsome Howard Allen I had a crush on in high school. When she got into the chair she was somewhat disappointed to see an overweight, grey-haired, balding, wrinkled geezer. She thought, this guy looks way to old to be the former man of my dreams but maybe it’s him. So she asked him if he went to Lincoln High. When he replied in the affirmative, she said “I think you were in my class”. After looking at her for a bit, that ugly old bald bag of fat said, “Maybe - what did you teach?”