Friday Funnies February 23 07

"Al-Qaida released another video tape from their No. 2 man. This one had a shocking revelation:"The great Satan will soon taste unspeakable suffering from our hands . . . Oh, and by the way, I am the father of Anna Nicole's baby." --Jay Leno

"The FAA is very close to raising the retirement age of pilots. ... That means pretty soon both astronauts and pilots will be wearing diapers." --Jay Leno

"Al Gore will be speaking at this year's Democratic Convention -- or as we call it, the Oscars." --Jay Leno

"In the latest count, there are now 25 politicians running for president -- and 15 of them also claim to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby." --Jay Leno

"Today is Presidents' Day ... where we honor presidents ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth. And Bill Clinton who couldn't tell the difference." --Jay Leno

"In honor of Presidents' Day, President Bush put a call in to his dad, Jimmy Carter, and the black guy from '24.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The Reverend Jesse Jackson told CNN that he's planning to endorse Barack Obama for president. Experts say this is a risky move for Jackson, because hardly anything rhymes with 'Barack Obama.'" --Conan O'Brien

I was having trouble with my computer, so I called my techy guy to come have a look. He clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "so, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?" He grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." So I wrote down,I D 1 0 T ....IDIOT!

A lady beside me on the train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to me and said, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?" "Really!?" I said, "Have you tried mouthwash?"

The Gospel According to St. Titleist:
1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk.Grantland Rice
2. Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. John Updike
3. It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf. Robert Lynd
4. If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. Horace G. Hutchinson
5. They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.Gardner Dickinson
6. If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they'd starve to death. Sam Snead
7. Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. William Wordsworth
8. If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. Dean Martin
9. If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up. Tommy Bolt
10. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one. Bishop Sheen
11. I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced. Arnold Palmer
12. My handicap? Woods and irons. Chris Codiroli
13. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top. Pete Dye
14. I'm hitting the woods just great; but having a terrible time getting out of them! Buddy Hackett
15. The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf. Billy Graham
16. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. Jack Lemmon
17. It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. Mark Twain
18. Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. Harry Vardon
19. Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them. Jimmy DeMaret
20. May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters. Ben Hogan
21. If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle. All Us Hackers
22. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. George DeukmejianAnd Finally. .
23. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. Lee Trevino

A white guy from Texas called Bernie is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills. Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two people dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead. As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one, "I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."

Oldie goldieIn the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular, "Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed." There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh..if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him." There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the fly...and I will grab him!" It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich..."Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch." Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there's more....A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich." A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich...then I can have mouse for lunch." The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water. The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabs the fish... The hunter shoots the bear... The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse... The mouse ducks...The cat falls into the water and drowns.
The moral of the story is: Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is in serious danger.

I was driving my car down a side street the other day when all of a sudden this cat jumped out in front of me. I hit the brakes, but I heard a thump, so I stopped. There was the cat lying right in the road. It was still alive, but I apparently had run over its tail and the force of the tire had cut it off. A lady came running out of a house screaming, "You killed my cat!" I told her, "No, he's O. K., except for the tail, and I'll fix that." I went into the trunk of my car and got out a roll of duct tapeand taped the cat's tail back on. The lady immediately blushed and called the cops. A cop showed up and immediately gave me a ticket. Boy, was I pissed off. I had to go to court, and was convicted. What a bummer. All for retailing pussy in a residential area!

There are always two ways to look at everything, I guess. My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asks, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed,' she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time. The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your cock's bigger than your brother's."

Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said, "Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air." The other hooker looked at her and said, "Nahh, I just burped."

In a small town in Texas, the local madam operated a telephone service. The police finally arrested her and seized her big black book in which her talent was listed. Each officer on the force was assigned a group of the names in it and told to check them out. After a week, the Chief called a meeting to get their reports. When it became the turn of Constable Ralph to tell what he had found, he said, "I'm sorry, Chief, but I think I should disqualify myself. One of the ladies on whom I called is an eighty-four-year-old woman. She is so charming that I have to tell you that I have fallen in love with her." "Holy Ewings!" exclaimed the Chief. "I'm sure surprised at you, Ralph. You've been a policeman almost all your life -- and here you are, falling for the oldest trick in the book!"

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?", asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." Taking the advice, he takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP -- the ball skips down the fairway about 15 feet. "You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands..."

I want to live my next life backwards.You start out dead and get that out of the way.Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy.Go collect your pension.Then you start work, and you get a gold watch on your very first day.You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous, and you get ready for High School.You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby.And then you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day. And then... you finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case. - George Carlin

Oldie goldie
Moishe, a Jewish actor is so down and out, he's ready to take any acting gig that he can find. Finally, he gets a lead, a classified ad that says, "Actor needed to play an ape." "I could do that," says Moishe. To his surprise, the employer turns out to be the Central Park Zoo in New York. Owing to mismanagement, the zoo has spent so much money renovating the grounds and improving the habitat, they can no longer afford to import the ape to replace the recently deceased one, so, until they can, they'll put an actor in an ape suit. Out of desperation, Moishe takes the offer. At first, his conscience keeps nagging him, that he is being dishonest by fooling the zoo-goers. Moishe also feels undignified in the ape suit, stared at by the crowds who watch his every move. But after a few days on the job, he begins to enjoy all the attention and starts to put on a show for all the zoo-goers. Moishe hangs upside down from the branches by his legs, swinging about on the vines, climbing up the cage walls and roaring with all his might, while beating on his chest. Soon, he's drawing a sizable crowd One day, when Moishe is swinging on the vines to show off to a group of school kids, his hand slips and he goes flying over the fence, falling directly into the neighbouring cage, the big and mighty lion's cage. Terrified, Moishe backs up as far from the approaching lion as he can, covers his eyes with his paws and prays at the top of his lungs,: "Shema Yisrael Adonai Eloheinu, Adonai Achad!" The lion opens his powerful jaws and roars the response,"Baruch Shem K'vod Malchuto L'olam Va'ed." From a nearby cage, a panda yells, "Shut up you schmucks, you'll get us all fired."