Friday Funnies March 23 07

"President Bush has been touring Latin America. He renewed U.S. support for Columbia. Apparently, Columbia's been suffering economically lately since the break-up of Bobby and Whitney." --Jay Leno

"Military contractor Halliburton announced this week that it is moving its corporate headquarters from Houston, Texas, to Dubai. A Halliburton spokesman said Dubai was chosen because of its convenient location just outside the long arm of the law." --Amy Poehler

"Halliburton is taking a lot of heat for moving its corporate headquarters to Dubai just to avoid paying taxes. I think that's wrong, don't you? I was talking about this with my accountant in the Cayman Islands." --Jay Leno

"Alberto Gonzales has gotten into trouble for firing eight U.S. attorneys for what appears to be political reasons. President Bush said today he still has confidence in Gonzales -- the same confidence he had in Rumsfeld, Scooter Libby, and Michael Brown of FEMA." --Jay Leno

"The White House keeps changing its story about who fired these U.S. attorneys. First it was the Justice Department, then it was Harriet Miers ... and the new e-mails released yesterday suggest it's Karl Rove's idea. ... Of course the problem with e-mails is you think you've erased them and then they're still there. Which is why President Bush writes all his memos on an Etch-E-Sketch." --Bill Maher

"Some Republicans in Washington are looking for a replacement for Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, but apparently, they need to find an experienced legal mind that President Bush is comfortable with. As a result, the number one candidate is Judge Judy." --Stephen Colbert

"President Bush held a news conference where he accused the Democrats of playing politics with the firing of U.S. attorneys. You know, the attorneys he fired for not playing politics." --Jay Leno

"According to a new study, one-third of Washington, DC, is illiterate. To give you an idea of how bad it is, Alberto Gonzales can't even read the writing on the wall." --Jay Leno

"Donald Rumsfeld, former Secretary of Defense, was admitted to a Washington hospital yesterday for a heart procedure. They said this is the first time in medical history that the patient had more blood on his hands than the surgeon." --Bill Maher

"According to a transcript of a U.S. military tribunal released Wednesday, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed admitted to planning the 9/11 attack, saying, 'I was responsible for the 9/11 operation from A to Z.' He then politely asked the interviewer to kindly remove the curling iron from his butt." --Seth Meyers

"For St. Patrick's Day, all the presidential candidates get into it. Have you noticed that? John McCain had a green tie on, Hillary Clinton had a green scarf, Rudy Giuliani was wearing a green dress." --Bill Maher

"At the White House, President Bush celebrated St. Patrick's Day by saluting prominent Irish Americans. President Bush saluted Sandra Day O'Connor, Tip O'Neill and Barack Obama." --Conan O'Brien

"There's a new book coming out about Bill Clinton ... and it says Bill Clinton has had a number of one-night stands in Ireland, France, Taiwan, Rio and London. He flies overseas to have sex. That shows how times have changed. Remember the old days? He didn't even have to leave his desk." --Jay Leno

"Hooters announced it's opening up its first restaurant in the Holy Land. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'As far as I'm concerned, Hooters is the Holy Land.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The former vice president of Iraq was hanged yesterday. Man, this round of 'Dancing With The Stars' is a lot tougher than last year." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday the Supreme Court debated a case in which a high school student in Alaska was suspended for bringing the banner that said 'Bong Hits for Jesus' to school. The school got mad and the argument is about whether or not the student's right to free speech was violated. The case is Roe v. Weed" --Jimmy Kimmel

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!", and continued to watch, remembering the good old day's that he'd once enjoyed. Suddenly he gasped and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman she is dead!" before heading off as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief. He arrived at the Police Station, out of breath, and shouted, "Jean.. Jean...zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love." The police chief smiled and said, "Come, come, Henri you are not so old, remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah,L'amour! Zis is OK." "Mais non! You do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!" Upon hearing this, Jean, leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back to call the doctor. He picked up the telephone and screamed, "Pierre, Pierre! This is Jean, I was in Gaston's field, zere is a young couple naked having sex!" To which Pierre replied, "Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember...it's spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural." Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!" Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu!" grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools, jumped in his car, and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station. When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British!"

Wayne wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office, but she was married. One day Wayne got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you." The girl looked at him, then said, "NO." Wayne said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her husband, so she called him and explained the situation. Her husband says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down. She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the husband is still waiting for his wife's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the husband calls and asks what happened? Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

An anesthesiologist is a doctor who works in the operating room to delay your pain until such time as you get his bill.

The doctor began his examination of an elderly man by asking him what brought him to the hospital. The man replied, "An ambulance."

It is said that the limbic system of the brain controls the four Fs: Feeding, Fighting, Fleeing, and Reproduction.

A Patient said "Doctor, Doctor, I broke my arm in two places!" to which the good Doctor replied, "Stay out of them places!"

Dr. to Patient: "Well, Mrs. Bixby, I am afraid you are not quite as sick as we had hoped."

Jane went to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his crotch. The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates." The woman replies, "Yes. Now, we're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."

After receiving his medication from the pharmacist, the customer asks,"Are these time release pills?" The pharmacist replies, "Yes. They begin to work after your check clears."

Did you hear about the baby born in the high tech delivery room? It was cordless!

Found On actual Headstones:

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903 - Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me For not rising.

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.

A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep; And thou wilt find a Penny.

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont
Here lies the body of our Anna
-Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God

In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, you soon will be.
Prepare yourself and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent,
Until I know which way you went.

Laws of Wonder:

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's really ugly.
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

The results of a computerized survey indicate the perfect Rabbi preaches exactly fifteen minutes. He condemns sins but never upsets anyone. He works from 8:00 AM until midnight and is also a janitor. He makes $50 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $50 weekly to the poor. He is 28 years old and has preached 30 years. He has a burning desire to work with teenagers and spends all of his time with senior citizens. The perfect Rabbi smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humour that keeps him seriously dedicated to his work. He makes 15 calls daily on congregation families, shut-ins and the hospitalized, and is always in his office when needed. If your Rabbi does not measure up, simply send this letter to six other synagogues that are tired of their Rabbi, too. Then bundle up your Rabbi and send him to the synagogue on the top of the list. In one week, you will receive 1,643 Rabbis and one of them will be perfect. Have faith in this procedure. One congregation broke the chain and got its old Rabbi back in less than three weeks.

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 quart of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than one pound of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 1 pound of shit. However, we do not run that risk when drinking scotch because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting. Therefore, it is better to drink scotch and talk shit than to drink water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it as a public service.