Friday Funnies July 20 07

"A lot of sex scandals in the news this week, it's unbelievable. Our own mayor here in Los Angeles admitted to having an affair with a very young, very attractive reporter from the Spanish language network, whose job it was to cover him. Talk about being an embedded reporter, man, gives that a whole new meaning. But I guess the mayor got some good news today, he got a big endorsement from In-N-Out. " --Jay Leno

"The darling of the religious right, conservative Senator David Vitter of Louisiana, has not only admitted to having sex with prostitutes, he would pay them $300 to make him wear diapers. And today that crazy astronaut called him 'my dream guy! He's got my vote.'" --Jay Leno

"At his press conference yesterday, where he admitted being involved with prostitutes, Louisiana Senator David Vitter apologized to his longtime supporters -- the working men and the working girls of Louisiana." --Jay Leno

"Things not looking good for President Bush. His approval rating has dropped so low the only thing he's above now is the law." --Jay Leno

"It was so hot, Mayor Villaraigosa had an affair with Ann Coulter just to cool off. ... What does the mayor of Los Angeles have in common with President Bush? Apparently, neither of them have any plans to pull out soon. " --Jay Leno

"According to a new AP poll, the most popular presidential candidate among registered Republicans is 'none of the above.' At the moment, Rudy Giuliani is running third, just behind 'Good Lord, not him.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Republican Senator and family values conservative -- that's what he calls himself -- Senator David Vitter of Louisiana admitted he was a client of the so called DC Madam in Washington. See, this is so wrong. At least use a hooker from your own state. I mean they're gonna pump money into the economy, make it your own." --Jay Leno

"Senator Ted Kennedy spent yesterday reporting for jury duty, but was dismissed because of a conflict of interest. Turns out all 15 trials that day involved other Kennedys." --Jay Leno

"In the new [Harry Potter] movie, Harry is prohibited from using his wand. I believe it's the same deal Hillary has with Bill." --David Letterman

Remember Sam Levenson? Not enough people do. He was such a clever man but time has diminished the memory of his wit. I thought I'd resurrect him, as his words today are as pithy as they were when he wrote them.

"Many wise words are spoken in jest, but they don't compare with the number of stupid words spoken in earnest."

"The first screw to get loose in your head is the one that holds your tongue in place."

"A goat also has a beard, but that doesn't make him a rabbi."

"You're only young once. After that it takes some other excuse for behaving like an idiot."

"Even if the majority agrees on an idiotic idea, it is still an idiotic idea."

"The greatness of this or any country may still be measured by the number of people trying to get IN vs. the number trying to get OUT."

"The best defense of our country is to keep it at all times WORTH defending."

"War doesn't prove who is right; only who is left."

"War is better at abolishing nations than nations are at abolishing wars."

"You can't shake hands with a clenched fist."

"The U.N. has been as effective against war as foghorns have been against fog."

"In a non-Jewish restaurant you see people eating and hear them talking. In a Jewish restaurant you see people talking and hear them eating."

"Behind every successful Jew stands a bigot who could not stop him."

"There are more important things in life than money. The trouble is they all cost money."

Re: sex education in schools: "Let them teach it! If the schools teach sex the way they teach everything else, the kids will lose interest anyhow."

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you." "I know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

I have a biker friend who uses viagra eye drops. He says they make him look hard!

A few lawyer jokes:

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?A: The caterer.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
1. If one side has one, the other side has to get one;
2. Once launched, they can't be recalled; and
3. When they land, they screw everything up for the next 20 years.

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?" The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, t! he United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children." The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring a huge array of private tutors?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea." And the lawyer says,"So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

These real newspaper headlines – gathered from local, national, and international newspapers across the globe – are ambiguous; you can see what the journalist meant to say, but in each case there is a more amusing interpretation of the headline.
EYE DROPS OFF SHELF
PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE
KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS
STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE
LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS
QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED
DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK AT NOON
MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
MILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDER
DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE
JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT
COMPLAINTS ABOUT NBA REFEREES GROWING UGLY
PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER
POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS
12 ON THEIR WAY TO CRUISE AMONG DEAD IN PLANE CRASH
KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME IN 10 YEARS
SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED
2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS AT CHECKOUT COUNTER
MAN EATING PIRANHA MISTAKENLY SOLD AS PET FISH
ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT
QUARTER OF A MILLION CHINESE LIVE ON WATER
INCLUDE YOUR CHILDREN WHEN BAKING COOKIES
OLD SCHOOL PILLARS ARE REPLACED BY ALUMNI
GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONE
HOSPITALS ARE SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS
LAWMEN FROM MEXICO BARBECUE GUESTS
TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES
ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX
LACK OF BRAINS HINDERS RESEARCH
RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGE
SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM
IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS
HERSHEY BARS PROTEST

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh." And you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else. Well, I figure I have nothing Toulouse.

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy from Brooklyn who's dressed up in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans. Saint Peter addresses him, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, from New York ." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." Now it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's Catholic Church for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the priest. "That man was a taxi driver. Why does he get a silken robe and golden staff?" "Results," shrugged Saint Peter. "It's all about results. While you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed." In Life, It's Performance, Not Position that Counts.

From the pages of The Old Farmer's Almanac:
Enjoy life! It's summertime -- time to sit out on the porch and rock for a while. Rocking soothes the soul, comforts aching bones, and sets our thoughts adrift. Ben Franklin extolled the merits of the rocking chair in the 1780s. By the early 19th century, Americans were making many types of rockers. Several U.S. presidents made history with their rocking chairs: Abraham Lincoln was assassinated while he sat in a rocking chair, William McKinley planned his presidential campaign from his porch rocker, and John F. Kennedy brought the rocking chair to the Oval Office. A porch with a rocker or two is a friendly and welcoming place. But more than that, a rocking chair invites us to slow down, relax and enjoy life. Rock on!