Friday Funnies September 21 07

"President Bush has embarrassed himself and the nation in Australia today. I don't know if you know this, he was at the APEC convention ... he said it was OPEC. Then he referred to the Australians as the Austrians, and then he almost walked off the edge of the stage and killed himself. He was going to step on a rake and have it hit him on the head, but he was saving that for the French, he said." --Bill Maher

"Obviously Bin Laden follows the news over here, because he said Americans are reeling from a mortgage crisis, which is true. People don't know this, Bin Laden used to work for Afghanistan's biggest real estate agency: Century 12." --Bill Maher

"Fred Thompson just unveiled his campaign slogan, his campaign slogan is: 'United in our core beliefs.' Yeah, if the slogan's a hit, Thompson plans to unveil another one: 'United in our core beliefs: Special Victims Unit." --Conan O'Brien

"Did you know this? Interesting story, Senator Thompson married his first wife when he was 17, and, ironically, married his second wife when she was 17." --Jay Leno

"How many saw the president's speech last night? He pre-empted regular programming, which is nice, because viewers tuning in to see 'Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader' for once got to feel they actually were. Yeah, he offered really no new strategy that I saw, but, of course, a new slogan: 'Return on Success.' Sounds like a Dr. Phil book." --Bill Maher

"Of course this is all coming from General Petraeus -- Petraeus Maximus. He testified before Congress and, of course, he said the surge is working. Although he emphasized, not on a Jewish holiday. ... He said we want to draw down troops, 30,000 troops, by next May. Of course, we just sent in 30,000 troops. So you send in 30,000 and you take away 30,000 -- it's called Operation Bulimia." --Bill Maher

"President Bush addressed the nation last night on this troop situation in Iraq. He said the best method, he believes, is a limited pullout. I don't know. Guys? Guys, that ever work for you? A limited pullout?" --Jay Leno

"Did you know last night's presidential speech was the first one broadcast in Hi-Def? And again, I don't think President Bush quite understands what that means. If fact, when they told him it was Hi-Def, he said, 'Oh great. Does that mean we don't need that lady with the sign language up in the corner anymore?" --Jay Leno

"The NFL is investigating whether or not the New England Patriots cheated during last Sunday's game by videotaping opposing coaches and stealing their hand signals. This could turn out to be the worst scandal involving hand signals since Senator Larry Craig got caught in that men's room." --Jay Leno

Rudy Giuliani and Fred Thompson are now tied neck and neck in national polls. Actually, you know, if they were on the ticket together, that would be a tough team for the Democrats to beat. I mean, if they could just get all their ex-wives to vote for them" --Jay Leno

The bathroom stall at the Minneapolis airport where Larry Craig was arrested has now become a tourist attraction where people go to have their pictures taken. Not only that, for $10, Larry Craig will autograph your penis." --Conan O'Brien

"In a new book, Mexico's former president, Vicente Fox, says that President Bush's Spanish is at grade school-level. Fortunately, Bush's feelings weren't hurt, because Fox made the comments in Spanish." --Conan O'Brien

"Today, the director of National Intelligence asked Congress to expand the government's power to read people's e-mails and spy on their phone conversations. The Intelligence Director admitted he got the idea from the New England Patriots." --Conan O'Brien

A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job. "Sorry, we don’t need anyone..." they replied. "You can’t afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime!" "Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job." He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000. "How in the world did you do that?" they asked. "I told you I’m the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, anytime!" "Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him. "What’s that?" he asked. "Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples." He was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, "Here’s Mr. Jones’ and this one is Mrs. Johnson’s." "That’s good," they said, "but what’s in those two buckets?" "Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention ...... so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"

Top Ten Signs You're A Slut.....
. You become a K-Y spokesperson.
. Having two tampons in at the same time doesn't bother you.
. You go through a Sealy Mattress every week.
. Frederick of Hollywood actually comes to your door himself....just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.
. You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
. Tetracycline is your best friend.
. McDonald's calls you "The Happy Meal".
. It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.
. When you've got a "Take a Number" machine at your front door.
. Your day starts and ends by rolling over.
. When the sperm bank calls for remnant samples.
. When you're wearing more latex than spandex.
. When your ceiling mirrors fog.
. When they install a revolving door at your apartment.
. When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.
. Madonna comes to you for pointers.
. When he doesn't even have to buy you a soft drink.
. When you have a room key to every hotel in town.
. Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.
. The only place you haven't had sex is on the moon.
. When a men's prison becomes a vacation "hot spot"
. When it only takes 2 licks to get to the center of a Blow Pop.
. When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.
. When other women begin to call you "Man's Best Friend".

The owner of a golf course in Newfoundland was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from The University of Newfoundland and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?" The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers. The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings." The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."

Why can't most Mexicans be firemen? They can't tell the difference between Jose and hose B.

What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus? I don't know but it sure could pick lettuce.

What is the difference between a chick singer and a Porsche? Most musicians have never been inside a Porsche.

What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones? "Didn't wake up dis mornin'....."

I can’t believe how rampant cosmetic surgery has become! Yesterday I saw a crow who’d had his feet removed.

There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic". Some have come to light due to the success of movie. For example, most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

A Jewish father, Moisha, was paid a visit by his eldest son Yitzak... "Father, I am going to marry!" His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Nagila..."Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl?" "What is her name?" "O'Brien," replies the son... "She's Catholic..." "Oy vey!" says the father.... "But, are you happy?" "I'm very, very happy," says the son.. "OK...as long as you're happy ... my blessings to you both." But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Schlemiel and Chutzpah. Schlemiel calls on his father the next evening. "Father... I too will be married soon!" Again Moisha breaks out in a dance and sings God's praises... "So vat is her name? "Kazalopodopolous," "She's Greek Orthodox." "Oy vey," says Moisha. "Vell, are you happy?" "I'm happy, Father." "OK my son, then you, too, have my blessing. Moisha, dejected, goes to the Temple to pray. "Please God... let my remaining son, Chutzpah, marry a nice Jewish girl to raise nice Jewish children in your eyes. PLEASE," he cries out. The very next week, Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims, "Father, I am to wed in the spring!" "HER NAME? WHAT IS HER NAME?", his father immediately demands. "Goldberg!" says Chutzpah! Moisha is beside himself with joy! "Praise God! Praise the Prophets!" Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, "Is she Doctor Goldberg's daughter Shelley, from Los Angeles?" "No," says Chutzpah. "Hmmm," says Moisha... "Must be Attorney Goldberg's daughter Rachel from Beverly Hills?" "Ah... no, Father," says Chutzpah... "So vat is her first name, my youngest, truest, most handsome son?" ......................"Whoopi."

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?' Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French.'

Redneck Humour:
GENERAL BEHAVIOR
1. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
2. It's considered poor taste to take a Budweiser cooler to church even if the NASCAR races do start at noon.
3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
4. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
1. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone... Deodorant is a waste of beer money.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday."If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux.A leisure suit with cumberbund and a clean Home Depot shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks, shoes and clean underwear for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. 6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
3. Impossible to match buckshot to a shotgun!

You might be a redneck if ….
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Bikers back down from your momma.
You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
You clean your nails with a stick.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.

L'Shana Tova
May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs, and your stocks not fall.And may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise. May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist, your gastroenterologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist, your plumber, and Her Majesties Customs and Excise. May you find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere during rush hour in less than an hour, and when you get there may you find a parking space. May this Yom Tov, find you seated around the dinner table, together with your beloved family and cherished friends, ushering in the New Year ahead. May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them. May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish dinner, may your chequebook and your budget balance, and may they include generous amounts for charity. May you remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to your partner, your child, and your parent(s). You can say it to your secretary, your nurse, your butcher, your photographer, your masseuse, your seamstress, your hairdresser or your gym instructor, but not with a "twinkle" in your eye. May we live as intended, in a world at peace with the awareness of the beauty in every sunset, every flower's unfolding petals, every baby's smile and every wonderful, astonishing, miraculous part of ourselves. Bless you with every happiness, great health, peace and much love during the next year and all those that follow.